Please someone help me. My mom really doesn't understand

I'm not sure where to start. Let me start by being clear that I have no diagnosis (any mentioning of BPD is simply a name for my problems as a whole, even thought i'm positive this is what's happening to me, i recognize i COULD be wrong). This is what i'm 99% sure I have though so let me begin. I'm 18 years old. My earliest memories in life are of my dad screaming at my mother, baby sitter beating me, and overall growing up with a "thought micro managing" somewhat covert narcissist stepfather. I have a deep and unceasing fear of abandonment that it seems nobody could fathom unless feeling it themselves. I have a distorted self image and always back out of getting help last second as soon as I see any progress. I have always been extremely intelligent (in a wisdom kind of way), but have an extremely low processing power, leading to internalized genius (or so i think lol). Anyways, my mother doesnt understand (i'm desperate for her to understand.. dreadfully desperate). She can't see it. She sees everything I do as normal kid stuff (hence nobody getting diagnosed with it til early 20s). IS it even possible to get her to interpret the painful thought processes, the obsession, the fear of abandonment, the constant debilitating anxiety, or simply the feeling of being invisible when nobody is around, but being extremely introverted at the same time? I go to frantic efforts to avoid these fears and problems. It all happens sub-conciously. But my mother doesn't see my out of the normal thinking and behavior. She claims it's all a part of growing as a person, and that sometimes kids are just lazy(don't get me wrong she's aware that something is wrong, but doesn't understand the depth). She's a loving and caring mother. She really is. But she's wrong on this and it takes so much effort to believe in myself when she puts up a fine ass argument. Why is she so blind to it? Is it because she's caring and loving and i know she wont abandon me? Without the fear of abandonment which seems to be the driving force of this entire thing, I feel there is no disorder to be seen. Or is it the natural passive aggressive behavior of a BPD (not to say i don't attack her with blame attacks, i don't know where this hatred for her comes from because logically i know she loves me and isn't to blame)? Or is it that I am so self aware but so barely in control at the same time that i sub conciously demonstrate these painful and destructive behavior patterns, BUT ALSO sub conciously fight this disorder AT THE SAME TIME? It drives me absolutely insane and gives off the impression that im trying to manipulate and convince those I wish to understand me (which makes me feel absolutely 100% condemned to feeling this way). I dive in and pull back constantly and i am always thinking about 10 different angles someone could perceive what im trying to say and end up making no sense to them at all. Ugh this is just so debilitating. I'm a class A burnout that is at this point going nowhere in life. Of course horribly powerful depressive episodes and of course extreme anxiety ride right along with this core problem. I have an obsessive need to control and micromanage the thoughts around me. I'm sick of the need for control. I'm sick of all of it. I'm just so tired of the pain. Please someone help me make some sense of this. I have a professional help plan in place that doesn't start for 2 months so please do not tell me i need to go get real help (telling me to won't help, only make me irrationally mad as i've lost control once you do that, please respect this). To anyone who took the time to read this, you mean a lot to me. People like that, mean a lot to me. More than a non bpd could ever understand. Please help me.. i'm so confused and frustrated and most of all i'm hurting so much. I fear i'm bleeding out and need some insight to make it to my intake appointment which is just too far away.

PS: I'm aware I should still seek a professional opinion yes I know. But in your OPINIONS does this sound like BPD?

One more thing to add. My subcategory is transparent low functioning BPD with introverted qualities. Thank you anyone who replies.

[Mod edit]

I joined this forum because the study of mental disorders is my hobby and I wanted to be of help to sufferers. I have been helping people with OCD, BD and Schizophrenia to cope with their illnesses. You are the first BPD case I have stumbled across.

The most distinguishing symptoms of BPD are

1. Markedly disturbed sense of identity, feeling unsure of one's personal identity, morals, and values ("I have a distorted self image");
2. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, marked sensitivity to rejection or criticism, ("I have a deep and unceasing fear of abandonment, I go to frantic efforts to avoid these fears and problems, Without the fear of abandonment which seems to be the driving force of this entire thing, I feel there is no disorder to be seen.").
3. Splitting or black and white thinking ("i am always thinking about 10 different angles someone could perceive what im trying to say"),
4. Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation (" ...Only make me irrationally mad as i've lost control once you do that,")
5. Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage. ("Of course horribly powerful depressive episodes and of course extreme anxiety ride right along with this core problem, the constant debilitating anxiety, ..... not to say i don't attack her with blame attacks, i don't know where this hatred for her comes from because logically i know she loves me and isn't to blame.")
6. Unusually intense sensitivity in relationships with others, ("She's a loving and caring mother. She really is. But she's wrong on this and it takes so much effort to believe in myself when she puts up a fine ass argument. Why is she so blind to it? Is it because she's caring and loving and i know she wont abandon me? ")
7. Difficulty regulating emotions, (" It drives me absolutely insane and gives off the impression that im trying to manipulate and convince those I wish to understand me (which makes me feel absolutely 100% condemned to feeling this way). Ugh this is just so debilitating. I'm sick of all of it. I'm just so tired of the pain. i'm so confused and frustrated and most of all i'm hurting so much. I fear i'm bleeding out")
8. Self-damaging behavior ("I have an obsessive need to control and micromanage the thoughts around me. I'm sick of the need for control. Or is it that I am so self aware but so barely in control at the same time that i sub conciously demonstrate these painful and destructive behavior patterns, BUT ALSO sub conciously fight this?")
9. Dissociation and depersonalization ("... or simply the feeling of being invisible when nobody is around, but being extremely introverted at the same time?")
10.Having paranoid thoughts when feeling stressed; (Luckily, no evidence so far)
11.in moderate to severe cases, stress-induced breaks with reality or psychotic episodes. (Luckily, no evidence so far).

I don't even know what to say. Thank you so much for organizing my messy write as for the last two symptoms, yes I suffer from those too. I started shortng out towards the end tho. A couple things to clarify. Im a male but have a girly personality by nature so that may be irrelevant. Okay that was all I had to clarify. Thank you so much idk if you realize how much it means to a BPD

Hi Stakeland and welcome

I know you want to know if you have or haven't got BPD but the best way is to start with your GP/healthcare and they will put you in in touch with the right people

No one from this site is a professional, we are a peer support site, so we cant give you a diagnosis unfortunately

PS: I'm aware I should still seek a professional opinion yes I know. But in your OPINIONS does this sound like BPD?

You gave your self the best advice IMO

All you did in your first post was listing the diagnostic criteria for BPD without any examples to support them. [mod edit]

How could you even post that with the slightest chance that I am BPD because that is the most painful thing you can do to someone with bPD. Perhaps you didn't read the "or so I think" part meaning im aware its a delusion. You should delete your account,being so insensitive.[Mod edit] I have psychotic breakdowns. This page was describing my thought processes not material evidence. Now you've recreated whats happening with my mother. You shouldn't be on this forum.

-- Thu Nov 03, 2016 1:28 am --

In fact let me state how incredibly slow I am.

I am so sorry to have offended you
[mod edit]

YOU WANT A ######6 EXAMPLE? My current,best friend "S". When we met she demonstrated kindness. I idealized her,immedietely. She was a saint. A ######6 saint. Until I got deeper and saw her as she was, a human being. At this point my perspective of this person is changing rapidly until I came to,the conclusion she is just like me, a manipulative ###$ that doesn't think before they talk but chooses every word carefully (which of course I've acknowledged as a delusion) my mind spins in,loops of contradictions how could you tell me im a spoiled brat. You don't know me or the upbringing I had. ###$ you you literally ruined my day and,all hope I had of needing to be validated (one of a borderlines strongest,needs). A borderline can always appear to be lying especially the internalized ones. In my head I have a genius delusion because in my world im right and,correct, because its MY delusional world. I don't even know anymore I have a headache now

There's one thing in your post that made me confused. How can a person not think before they speak, yet choose their words carefully? That just doesn't make any sense.