How do you deal with relationships ?

I tend to feel better when I'm alone. Less worried, less anger, fewer mood swings and more focused.

But after a while the void comes back and I feel the need to be with someone because I can't stand feeling that empty. I'm quite attractive to be honest, and I come out as a fun, smart, and charming girl, so it's not that hard to find someone and initiate a relationship.

So then there's this person you "click" with and you tell yourself why the hell not. That maybe this time it'll work, and it does work for a while. Everything is great and you don't feel that hollow anymore and you start thinking that maybe this is what you've been craving all along.
Then, it triggers it. You become paranoid when you're not with them, you think they never even liked you, that they hate you, and if they don't reply to a text or a call, it feels like it's the end of the world. But not because you love THEM or even because they did something wrong. It's because you start feeling it was all an illusion and the void is still there, in fact it never even left. You don't even know if you could ever love that person or why you even want to be with them. All you seem to know is that you don't want to be left again, you don't want to feel abandoned because you know that's like being continuously stabbed to the heart and you don't ever want to feel that way again, so you find yourself making countless efforts and clinging to something that's always been dead.
So this more or less sums up my love life. It's either I feel used for sex, or I try to be with someone who cares but I end up screwing it up because I go from over idealizing them to holding to this image I've created and then detaching and even hating them and overall just never knowing what I really wanted from the start.

It's confusing, and I feel like each time it destroys me more, and I can't even picture myself trusting anyone ever again. Yet I know I can't stay by myself for too long. So I feel stuck and I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can ever be in a healthy relationship and I'm truly starting to give up

So have you guys been through similar experiences ? How do you deal with them and what do you do to try to overcome them ?

Hi and welcome
Yes to most of what you written here actually, i can relate so much
I have atm been single for 20 months now ...i never have a problem getting guys usually either, but i am actually less social now than i was before coz of my last relationship and coz i live in a very small village now so my options are a little more limited than all the other times.

honestly to me it feels like a curse to never be able to be with someone you love and loves you back. the more you want someone the worse it is.the worse the freaking out and self sabotaze.
is like a curse to only be able to be with people you do not want or alone or with people that will hurt you.
i do not even know if i have bpd or i am just cursed lmao i mean coincidence of bad luck or do i self sabotaze.i also do not think i hurt anyone that can not get over it. i think the only person who gets hurt the most is me.
when you are 18-20 you just assume is the age. but if is still the same older i start thinking something is wrong.
i am not sure about bpd but i know the more i love someone the worse it is. when i do not care is fine.for example if i do not care i might hurt you but if i do care i will get hurt.there is no escape
as you can see from my venting i do not deal.

I relate to absolutely everything you have written here and think about it a lot at the moment.
I had an intense relationship with someone only for three months and then two months on and off which completely ended around6 months ago now.

I've never felt more empty than I do over this time since the break up, I think it's because we idealised eachother so intensely and I've never felt that satisfied by someone - I'm not sure you can call it love, it was more a feeling of 'coming home at last'. The more I felt like this the more anxiety did of course trigger and it felt like standing in a building going up in flames. However it turned out he was using a dating app behind my back so who knows maybe it was intuition or maybe it was BPD. Either way it destroyed everything between us as I went too far and looked crazy and hysterical. I think every day how I've never got along with someone that well and now as a result I feel like I am doomed to feel this empty and alone forever.

One thing I will say is I truly believe from everything I've read and discovered since my diagnosis 4 months ago, and learning about BPD that we have to learn to love ourselves and maybe that is the only route to being able to let someone love us and trust someone can love us without questioning it. I've started therapy - not DBT but a good psychotherapist who has managed to somewhat 'cure' an extreme case of BPD in my friend's sister. He's told me to start talking to my inner dialogue and comforting her.

I don't know what you have been through but if it's any form of child trauma I imagine you have created some form of false self and once you learn to love / reconnect with her then you can invite love into your life you deserve. I'm hoping this goes for both of us! It's so painful feeling this empty I too want to fall into a new relationship and also find it very easy to meet men due to my looks, but for now I am trying to abstain and fill the empty feeling with self care and self love.

It's a long hard road but I have faith....

let them die out

madjoe wrote:let them die out

Thanks for all your answers.

It's scary how much I can relate to everything you said and everything I read in this forum. It's like I could have written most of the posts myself. It's somehow reassuring and it kind of makes me feel less alone to know that there are people somewhere that are going through the same things. At the same time it makes me feel sad because I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, knowing how bad it is.

I've also tried to blame it on everything I could think of really, being too young, "everyone goes through failures", that maybe I was attracted to the wrong people with bad intentions (and hell knows I've been several times). But then you realize even though those reasons may have been valid at some point, there's more. I'm not THAT young, I'm no teenager anymore. Yeah, everyone goes through chaotic and failed relationships, no doubt about that but they also have at least some successful ones. I've never had that. And yes, there were some guys that weren't any good and I knew it but not all of them were.

My last relationship was with this great guy. He was sweet and nice, and he's liked me for a long time, it was going great. And I didn't even realize how much I was messing it up until it was over.

Like, you know, when you're peacefully swimming at the beach and you start to let yourself go, and suddenly this huge wave comes without warning and flips you over and you're underwater and you're trying to get out. You think you're in control because one second ago you were floating on your back and the sun was warming every inch of your body, so how can you be drowning now? It doesn't make any sense.
And you're trying as hard as you can but the wave is the one in control, not you. There's nothing you can do about it and when you realize this, it's too late. The water's already in your lungs, and the more you try the worse it gets . You eventually get out, you don't die, but everything has changed now. Nothing seems like it was before. It was all a lie, an illusion. The water was never calm, and the sun was never warm. That wave was always there, lurking in the back. You know this because you've been there before, you've been underwater and you've suffocated countless times. Yet you keep coming back to that same beach, to feel that peace and that warmth again. And it's ephemeral but somehow it's the only way you can feel alive. And each time you come back, it's worse than the last time. The more you let yourself go, the harder it hits. The wave is bigger, but you're not any stronger. You're feeding it.
But I don't know what's better at the end. Staying in the aftermath, where you're safe but where you feel dead and hollow, and the sun is not warm, and the water is grey. Or laying on your back again.

Short Answer: Not well.

Long Answer: I find something I love about someone. Possibly even love the person themselves for how amazing and awesome they are. They are wonderful in who they are as a person. Unique in their own way. They have vast interests, they're passionate about something, they have fun hobbies. They're one of the coolest people ever, and I feel like the luckiest guy alive just to know them!

Then they slight me, and either Other Me fantasizes about hurting them for a whole week and I cry a lot and hurt myself out of the shame that Other Me wishes to hurt them, or if it's someone I want permanently gone for this "atrocity", Other Me may possibly send a long-winded e-mail about how they've hurt us deeply for this non-offense they have bestowed upon us. When really they were just being "them" and truly did nothing wrong in reality. And I will be aware of this the next day after sending it, and will hate, hate, hate Other Me.

That's when people get the cuckoo alarm and run for the hills (and this isn't something I always want to happen). Usually I don't know someone for more than a year. They vanish, mostly because I, or rather, Other Me forced them out of my life, for them not treating Other Me with enough love and caring. With people I don't have a noticeable bond with at the start of the companionship, or people that rub me the wrong way (if they tell me a story that paints them as a little bit selfish, for example), I just avoid them entirely, wait for them to contact me and don't bother making an effort to speak to them, and usually find them "annoying" and I "put up with them". It's almost never Me that speaks to those particular people, either. It's always Other Me that handles it-- and I'm aware that I am fully him when I'm doing it. And usually he's a gigantically sarcastic asswad up until they decide We're intolerable enough to abandon. Then I don't have to have that awkward "Hey, I don't like you at all, and oh, you smell" conversation. Then I feel bad and hate Other Me, and the cycle continues.

I have had long-term relationships, however, with people who do get me, and do make it known that Other Me is being a pretentious ass, but still love and accept him. I'll become very ashamed and embarrassed and profusely apologize for "him", and I'm usually forgiven. It's those people I get the least angry with over time, as they've formed a "trust bond" with me. Once I know they won't officially abandon me and Other Me, I'm comfortable and let them be them without feeling a need to try to push them away, as they realize I'm a hydra in human skin, and all of the heads need love. In fact, if I love and respect this person deeply enough, their flaws will endear me, rather than enrage me. I have to know the person for many, many years, though, but I will eventually look past things that would have bothered me at the outset.

Conclusion: I'm a jerk who hates himself for being a jerk, so continues being a jerk so that he can punish himself for being a jerk.

Wow, I love this thread.

I'm going through exactly the same feelings of hopelessness. The inability to whole-heartedly connect with someone without fear.

How do you guys find the online dating scene?

the more you want someone the worse it is.the worse the freaking out and self sabotaze

100 times THIS. My self-sabotaging cripples any attempt at happiness.

when you are 18-20 you just assume is the age. but if is still the same older i start thinking something is wrong.

Yep, I'm in my 30s now and losing hope.

I went too far and looked crazy and hysterical.

Yep. I do the same. I get swamped by fear/anger/upset and to the outside world I would appear 'crazy' for a few hours. My partner of 8 months literally told me this morning that he can't deal with the drama anymore but he'll be my 'friend'.

I think every day how I've never got along with someone that well and now as a result I feel like I am doomed to feel this empty and alone forever.

Can you remember a time when you felt this way in the past? (A past breakup?) I find it helps to remember times in the past when we were distressed and thought we'd never love again.

This too shall pass.

I didn't even realize how much I was messing it up until it was over.


Yep For me it's normally one meltdown too many.

Like, you know, when you're peacefully swimming at the beach and you start to let yourself go, and suddenly this huge wave comes without warning and flips you over and you're underwater and you're trying to get out. You think you're in control because one second ago you were floating on your back and the sun was warming every inch of your body, so how can you be drowning now? It doesn't make any sense.

What an amazing analogy. That is me in a relationship! I get too complacent.

Other Me

Can you explain this concept? Is 'other me' your BPD/anxieties?

Other Me

Can you explain this concept? Is 'other me' your BPD/anxieties?

Other Me is basically my way of explaining splintering and dissociation. When I go off on someone, I feel later like "I wouldn't say something like that about that person. Why would I do that? Why would I say those things? I should have waited before sending that letter. I should have told someone I planned on it and maybe they could stop me. I'm so sorry to that person. I wish I never did this." I will beat myself up about this for many weeks afterward. It feels like I temporarily turn into a raging beast that is so separate from my usual self. He's basically my abused childhood looking for constant love and approval and throws a dangerous tantrum when he doesn't get it, all to protect me from being hurt again. Even if those emotional injuries are imagined. He will make stuff up to be mad about, and make up reasons to push people away.

I'm aware that there are "two versions" of me, as I've been both, but never at the same time. I could love someone deeply and sincerely one day and think they're amazing and fascinating and wonderful, and hate the same person the next day if they criticize me. Deep inside, I don't really hate them, and deep inside, I know I can forgive such meaningless strikes to my ego, because they are just that-- meaningless. And I'm aware that it's pointless to get so upset over such small things. Other Me isn't as forgiving, and remembers forever very specific scenarios in which he was offended, even if they're many years old. I then constantly fight with this part of myself in my head and argue with myself over whether or not pushing people away was a good idea, as I knew they were good, kind people even before they slighted me. By then, it's too late to apologize, because I may have handed over a basket full of insults to the person, and they're usually the sort of things I can't take back. No matter how horrible and guilty I feel for doing it.

I've seen other people explain their BPD as "two people fighting inside me" and that's exactly what I go through, and think it's a perfect example. A Me and an Other Me, at war, never satisfied with the outcome. I also have frequent nightmares about this Other Me, where he and I are at odds and he does many horrible things to my closest friends and loved ones, and I try like hell to stop him, but never can.