How do you deal with relationships ?

NathanR : "I've seen other people explain their BPD as "two people fighting inside me" and that's exactly what I go through, and think it's a perfect example."

I get that. I don't think I feel as much "dissociation" as you do though, but I understand that feeling of "how could I have acted that way? I would never have done that if I were thinking like I am now, that's not me.".
To me it's more part of the whole identity issue in BPD. I don't feel like I'm two different people but I do feel like I don't really know who I am sometimes or why I act in such ways. It's the hardest part to explain with words in my opinion, it's confusing even for me. What I can say is that it feels like I'm so overwhelmed by my emotions and I do things and then when the emotions are gone I'm left wondering wtf was I thinking. So it's not like in a dissociative disorder when you have these two separate identities, it's more like losing control to your emotions and getting fooled into thinking that's you doing all that. So yes, you can somehow compare it to a conflict between two selves but it feels more like not really knowing who you are. I don't know if that makes sense lol.

UKGeordieLass How do you guys find the online dating scene?


Never tried/needed it. To me the whole online thing seems pretty shallow tbh, but i guess it could work for some people...

"Yep. I do the same. I get swamped by fear/anger/upset and to the outside world I would appear 'crazy' for a few hours. My partner of 8 months literally told me this morning that he can't deal with the drama anymore but he'll be my 'friend'."

I feel that way too. I usually never show it in front of people though cause I'm so ashamed of looking like a crazy person Well I sometimes show it through texts and stuff but I guess even if you don't have a meltdown in front of someone they can somehow feel it and it drives them away.
I'm sorry to hear about your partner, we can be overwhelming and hard to keep up with and I can understand that most people can't handle that, but keep hope that someday you'll stumble on someone that will try to understand. If he calls it "drama", it means he doesn't understand $#%^. Drama means you're doing it on purpose somehow and trust me, if for ONE day he felt all that we feel and all that goes through our head and how much effort we put in trying to make it better, if he knew just a tenth of how much it feels like HELL almost DAILY, he wouldn't call that "drama" for one second.
(Sorry for the burst of anger )

Honestly I've gotten to the point where I realize that as much as I fear abandonment, I actually can't control what they think, do, feel. I could use maladaptive behaviours to guilt/oblige them into staying a little longer, but if that's the reason they are sticking around they may as well already be gone.

So I just...take it day by day sometimes. Like, ok, we are together now so I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest rather than worrying. It helps often, though not always. We can't predict the future. It's a bit of a dismal outlook I suppose but it's too hard to fight away or convince myself out of the idea I am going to be abandoned so I just manage it for now.

What I can say is that it feels like I'm so overwhelmed by my emotions and I do things and then when the emotions are gone I'm left wondering wtf was I thinking. So it's not like in a dissociative disorder when you have these two separate identities, it's more like losing control to your emotions and getting fooled into thinking that's you doing all that. So yes, you can somehow compare it to a conflict between two selves but it feels more like not really knowing who you are. I don't know if that makes sense lol.

It makes perfect sense. That is very much like what I also go through, but I've come to associate my "loss of control" and my scrambled emotions to "another me", because it doesn't feel like "me" when I'm stable and calm. It's a whole different me-- a more emotional me. A me that does and says really ridiculous things that seem and feel really ridiculous hours after it's occurred.

And yes, because of this, I also feel a sense of "not knowing the real me". Sometimes it's tough to tell which is me and which is Other Me. All I know is when it happens, and when he overreacts and I'm on the sidelines.

I know that Other Me is not another personality, but it feels very much like one. Calling this emotional self "Other Me" is the best way I can describe how it's like when I go into an overemotional state and/or react childishly. I also have PTSD, which can make things worse in stressful moments and worsens this Depersonalization in me.

i do feel like too different people.the one who loves and the one who hates.only that i do not prefer the one who loves.i am indicisive.
like mood swings they change.
it seems so normal in my head like this is not a bpd thing.maybe nons have it too?but less.
if i do have that i am very high functioning meaning i hide the one who hates although sometimes i do not want to hide it at all.

i am so jealous of such a love that the other wouldn’t leave you.why would someone leave because you got angry.he never loved you.
i think nons are shallow.
i appear shallow too though.but i think the reason i leave is different than nons reason.
if i do not have a bond i stop wanting the other and i do not know why , very soon.
if i do want someone,the more i want him the more i am terrified he is. going to leave and i do not deserve him.
with friendships is better.the worse is with relationships.
the anger of bpd doesn’t scare me to leave someone because i understand it.(do not hate me but sometines i take it as validation that the other cares)sometimes i want someone with bpd so we could live for eachother.but i am afraid they are unstable and would leave me.and nons wouldn’t want such attachment so would leave me too.
sometimes i feel like i can only be with someone i do not want.but i do not like that.

(edit:in parents though is terrible torture if they are needy.but in relationships you just feel more safe.maybe.not sure.
i would hate a parent with such reaction but bf i find it more ok because i want to be attached.you see the irony.)

julllia wrote:i am so jealous of such a love that the other wouldn’t leave you.why would someone leave because you got angry.he never loved you.
i think nons are shallow.
i appear shallow too though.but i think the reason i leave is different than nons reason.
if i do not have a bond i stop wanting the other and i do not know why , very soon.
if i do want someone,the more i want him the more i am terrified he is. going to leave and i do not deserve him.
with friendships is better.the worse is with relationships.
the anger of bpd doesn’t scare me to leave someone because i understand it.(do not hate me but sometines i take it as validation that the other cares)sometimes i want someone with bpd so we could live for eachother.but i am afraid they are unstable and would leave me.and nons wouldn’t want such attachment so would leave me too.
sometimes i feel like i can only be with someone i do not want.but i do not like that.

Yup. When I don't really want someone it's fine, I mean, I'm fine. I get that slight validation feeling but I don't really feel fulfilled, and it ends up irritating me . When it's someone I do want, well, I start freaking out and the fear of abandonment comes back and it all goes downwards from there... I also feel like I could only be with someone that I don't want because I can't manage myself when I'm with someone I want. It's a curse

How do I deal with relationships?
Exactly as you described.

I have no idea how to avoid it. Do you talk to somebody about it beforehand? Do you talk after? I ended up a little psychotic after the last one because I felt like I couldn't get the simplest loving gesture. I probably wasn't giving it.
But I end up being extremely careful about how things play out so that there are ways out of dilemmas with no answer (such as not being forced to pry an issue out of somebody - having them act in good faith about things so that there is a basis for trust in the future)
If I give somebody opportunities to act in good faith and they don't take them I flip out completely.
Sounds a lot like making traps, who knows they probably sense something that they don't understand and have fear

TW

nearly half the mariages fail (46% in Belgium)
75% of all devorces are initiated my women
kids grow in in broken homes and know the score
relationships are supply and demand

Usually my relationships get worse and worse the longer I get to know somebody, I feel more vulnerable and insecure. I end up holding people to unrealistic standards and am pretty disgusted by them for messing up, which everyone does. I would like to be able to have a healthy relationship but I have never been able to have one and the ones that I have had were usually toxic. I just freak out and panic so much and people always remind me of stuff I went through in the past. Even with my husband, I see him for who other people were and sometimes feel like I don't really know him. It's really weird.