Newly diagnosed but not sure it's right

Hi lovely people

I have just been diagnosed with BPD, after experiencing mood swings and hallucinations, voices and delusions for 15 years. I am 24. I only just figured out that some of my voices were really voices (I thought they were my own thoughts, it was only when something so random tipped me off that I began to realize it wasn't me).

I am having trouble with my diagnosis, as while BPD fits my relationship pattern and development in childhood and fear of abandonment it doesn't seem to fit my mood swings which are my main problem that impacts my daily life. I am hoping others with BPD can help me figure this out - I read a lot about BPD but found it wasn't specific enough to answer my question and asked 4 doctors so far who could not answer my question.

My question is what are typical lengths of, and patterns of mood for BPD?

I have high moods that can last from around 4 days at the lowest to 3 weeks as the maximum so far. During these I can say horrible things to friends and family that I don't even really think or mean and then forget I ever said it, have once showed a stranger/new classmate my bare bum on impulse (in a uni classroom) and have moved to a different country for a month to come back when my money ran out and and have cheated on my boyfriend who is a wonderful, amazing man. I am actually very happy in my relationship and love my boyfriend dearly, who is really too good for me and am very ashamed I have cheated on him and I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

I have really low depressions with suicidal thoughts and hallucinations of death and corpses and voices telling me to kill myself that can last from usually 2/4 months to 6/8 months if really bad.

I used to sort of be able to time my mood swings 1 year ago from about 4 months ok/high to 4 months depressed to 4 months ok and so on.... now it is a bit more varied and erratic.

I am afraid that my diagnosis of BPD is wrong or not the whole story as my doctors have taken me off all medication in favour of therapy as they say meds won't work for BPD though I read that you can be treated with meds if you have BPD?? I used to have anti depressants which helped a tiny bit but weren't right as they made me high after a few days of taking them but better than suicidal.

I am seriously afraid if my doctors are wrong that I will have another mood so low that I will commit suicide, the last bad depression felt like thoughts that weren't mine were moving my body and making me self-harm as I wouldn't usually self-harm because I am afraid of blood and cutting. Or I will have another crazy high mood in which I will do something so odd or say something horrible and lose my boyfriend and job and friends like I have already lost 6 friends to my high moods.

I told the doctors this but they say it's def. BPD and if they're right then I'm on the right track... It's just others I know who have BPD said their moods change every day or every week. That only happens to me in periods of very high stress. But I only know two people with BPD so I'm asking you lovely people what is it like? How did you deal with your diagnosis? I am concerned with just therapy as my treatment as I have already had lots of CBT and it was helpful for mild moods but real highs and lows are like tornadoes and I'm not even aware of my behavior let alone controlling it. I'm feeling a bit helpless as I'm not convinced therapy will help me.

Sorry for long post. Thanks for reading xx

What type of therapy are you receiving? Therapy can be very helpful for BPD, if it's the right type of therapy (such as DBT, especially) with a qualified professional (which can be difficult to find for BPD).

As with most mental health problems, there are currently no solid and widespread available tests for someone to take to determine whether they have bipolar disorder, borderline PD, schizoaffective, psychotic depression, etc - or even some co-morbid combination.

Often it is the unfortunate case that the best way to figure things out is through trial and error. If you were being given different meds to try, but nothing was working, then that would lead a lot of professionals to theorizing that perhaps your problems are far more psychological than chemical in nature.

Never underestimate the power of psychology when it comes to all sorts of things. Psychological problems can cause psychosis and even death (look up "voodoo death" - it is a tongue-in-cheek term - to see an extreme example of the power of psychology).

If you are able to receive DBT treatment, I definitely recommend giving it a hard and honest try for at least a few months. Definitely ask your therapist if they are qualified to administer DBT treatment, and if they're not, try to get a better therapist who is. "Just sit and talk about it" therapy usually doesn't work for BPD.

Meds don't really help with BPD. If there is a chemical problem in the brain, some meds can help to at least somewhat correct that chemical problem. But BPD is not a matter of a chemical imbalance in the brain, so meds only wind up being used for their side effects (numbing, basically), and then even that wears off quickly. However, meds are helpful when BPD is co-morbid with a chemical sort of problem like bipolar disorder.

Hello Thanks for your response. I will be starting DBT in hopefully a couple weeks. I have heard it is helpful from my friends who have BPD so feeling more hopeful about that. I have CBT currently, have had it for about a year and I use the techniques which don't stop the mood swings and emotions I feel but have helped to stop me from lashing out at people, hide my inner turmoil from others, which has improved my life though I still feel the same emotionally as I always did. I've basically become a better actor with the skills I learnt in CBT. But I intend to give DBT a good go as I'm desperate to get better.

I've also started Quetiapine and Mirtazapine and hope they will help reduce the intensity of my moods. It's only been a few days so too early to tell. It sounds a bit pathetic but I'm not sure I can survive on my own without meds (I tried no meds for a year and it was horrible). I am depressed at the moment which may be clouding my judgement to be too negative.

I've been told that as my life got more stable and as I got older that my BPD symptoms would start to go away, but my life now is better and more stable than it's ever been, yet my moods and psychosis are the worst they've ever been and it's only got worse as I've got older. Maybe it's because I'm repressing something. I have always had a terrible relationship with my mother for example which can get me down at times. It doesn't bother me daily, but maybe I'm subconsciously sad about it which is making me depressed even though I'm not directly thinking about it. I certainly have untreated psychological issues and past trauma which I've been ignoring, drugging out or running from for years. It may be my subconscious feelings about unresolved issues taking over, which I'm really struggling to get my head round as to how this could happen... :/