Looking for some advice to help my BPD ex.. Need help.

I broke up with my BPD girlfriend of about 3 1/2 years in March. We had been living together for a year, and not long before our lease was up, I was at my wits end with her behavior and broke up with her while she was in inpatient mental health.

I won't go into the details of her behavior, because you all know how these people are and I don't need to reiterate and explain what she put me through..

I am not a needy person and tend to not be very emotional, which is why I think our relationship had so much balance compared to others from her past.

We started speaking again in June, and had a long talk about everything from the breakup to all of our problems. We began dating again.

However, it was clear that the breakup caused a lot of harm to her (more than I ever imagined it could) and she was almost a completely different person as a result of it..

All summer she went back and forth between hot and cold with me. Very conflicted feelings. I don't blame her for being this way toward me since I broke up with her, and I understand why she is being this way..

She broke up with me multiple times over the summer and the most recent was at the end of September. She says that because of the breakup in March, she feels as though she can't trust anybody anymore and that she feels heartless and angry with the whole world. She has become aggressive with mostly all people and has gone cold to the world.

Even though we are broken up and she does have cold feelings towards me and lacks trust for me or anyone else, we are still speaking sometimes and I am trying to help break her out of this state of mind.

So, does anyone have any advice on what someone with this disorder should do after they feel betrayed from a breakup and go cold, heartless, aggressive and lose all trust? Are there any solutions to this?

Hey there

I realize how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone with BPD at times. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and it all makes sense in terms of the way I acted towards my partner.
I know that a big part of my relationship failing with my most recent partner was in part my disorder but also him having mental issues that went unnoticed for quite some time. He was also not willing to accept what I was going through, or be supportive.

I think really when it comes down to it is a trying process, but can be quite rewarding if you are willing to work with her through it. Maybe doing things with her (if she attends therapy for instance) would be handy. This way you can be supportive of her and maybe in a sense build more trust with her. Also if possible, being patient is also helpful. I know when I lash out, I feel very terrible and guilty. I don't know if this is the case for her.

I hope that was a little bit helpful.. Keep me posted, hope you guys are doing okay!

-- Fri Oct 14, 2016 11:13 am --

iconoclast12 wrote:Even though we are broken up and she does have cold feelings towards me and lacks trust for me or anyone else, we are still speaking sometimes and I am trying to help break her out of this state of mind.

Sorry I seem to have not noticed this part lol. But yea I would still suggest if you are friends trying to be supportive of her and patient, helping her with the trust aspect of things.

And you're confident that being patient and supportive will be enough to bring back her trust and not feel betrayed anymore from a breakup?

That is just my personal opinion in terms of how to help her. I don't know if it will fix things. It may HELP to build the trust. If she isn't already getting therapy (DBT) then I would suggest it for her, if she is open to the idea. And if she is comfortable with it, you could attend some sessions if that is possible. I hope that's helpful.

She's been getting therapy for years and has a strict regime of medication. I've offered to attend her appointments with her in the past, but we just never got around to doing it.. But I'm very willing.. My main concern is right now she's resorted to self-destructive behavior (mostly drinking and taking a lot of meds) but says that she feels numb and unable to trust anyone..

-- Mon Oct 17, 2016 2:18 pm --

The fact that she is talking to me is a good sign, right? She says she still loves me but feels like she can't trust anyone.. Which as far as I can tell, was caused by my breaking up with her. It seems the breakup threw her into some kind of downward spiral that has just been getting worse ever since. I just want to help her however I can..

Being broken up with is hard for normal people, but it can be devastating for someone with BPD. I wanted badly to get back together with my ex boyfriend who left me, but I couldn't trust that he wouldn't leave me again. Eventually we went our separate ways, as I thought it was for the best, at the time. It turned out to be a good learning experience for me, either way.

I'm not saying that you'll be unable to win her back, but you broke up with her for a reason. She is still going to have BPD at the end of the day.

My advice to someone who goes cold, distrusting, and angry from this disorder is to slow down with everyone as much as you can. Forget about romantic relationships for a while. Maybe, write or find some other outlet for it. Try to meditate and spend time outside. Deal with any addiction asap and focus all that energy on healing!

My ex left me while in was in the mental hospital. He packed up my car while I was hospitalized and he signed over his rights to our children, to his mother. And disappeared. To say that it affected me dramatically would be an understatement. Her behavior you're talking about is most likely a result of emotional trauma from her past that you can't inerrant. So you'll see her behavior as "bad" when really she's most likely constantly terrified of having the rug ripped out from underneath her feet. Which you did by leaving her 3 years ago while she was in a mental institution. So, yeah as someone with bpd there's not a chance in hell I could trust you. My guess is you're the wrong person to try to"help" her. She's got to want to get better, and let me tell you it was 4 years from the time I was diagnosed until I actually saw tiny improvement in my disorder, people always want to help. Wanting to help, and being able time help are very different. Self awareness is key with borderline because if we can't realize how we're reacting, if we don't know that we have comorbid issues, if we can't"see" the pattern of our cognitive thought, we can't change. I'm just realizing that a lot of reactions that protected me in childhood are threatening to my ability to exist as an adult. One thing you do need to realize is that you aren't responsible for her feelingso or reasons. They're probably deeply ingrained within her psyche. The most you really need to do is respect her boundaries no matter how you feel about them and if she comes to you for support, validate her feelings no matter how much you don't agree. (You can validate without agreeing..."I can understand why you would feel that way") that's what my fiancé does with me. I can say some really crazy things when my anxiety is high or I'm having a rough bpd day. I'm also in super intense dbt (dialectall behavioral therapy) I have a psychiatrist, and a really great support system of people in my community. That's how I started to get help.