Bottomless abyss that needs to be filled

The title says it all. I wasn't diagnosed with BPD, but I've been thinking I show some traits. I wouldn't want a formal diagnosis, there's too much stigma surrounding this disorder. Even if I'm not BPD, I still relate to things people with BPD do and say. Here, I want to talk about that constant feeling of needing something to stimulate me, because my life seems empty otherwise. I also have issues with women, which means that even though I have an amazing girlfriend, I still feel like I need other women's approval, praise and attention. I don't seek attention, normally. Attention scares me most of the time, yet sometimes I have cravings for it. I contradict myself this way, a lot. Self-esteem is not stable: sometimes it's there, sometimes I lack it. Substance abuse? I occasionally abused prescripted benzodiazepines. It's a old habit, to be honest, I used to do it in high school too, before I stopped.
I used to self harm not so long ago, too. Substance abuse is something that reoccurs because of that emptiness feeling, but also because of too much emotional pain to handle. Sometimes I do well, other times I don't feel good. I don't show my emotions, usually, but aggressiveness is what always comes out, it's the easiest one to show for me. I don't like people and suck at making friends or communicating, so I tend to stay away. In this sense, I don't feel like I have intense and unstable relationships with others.

I feel like I'm stuck in this bottomless abyss, an empty space in my life that needs to be filled but nothing really can. I've read, a lot of times, that it's common among people with BPD, but it can be depression too (I was diagnosed bipolar and I'm on meds for that). Not asking about the diagnosis, though. Does it really matter, after all? You'll see me write here, I guess, because when I feel depressed it seems like those BPD traits get evident.

no it doesn't
that's like saying life needs to make sens

I know what you're saying.

I don't know if you wrote this hoping someone will tell you its curable and it goes away. I'd like that too. But I think the emptiness always comes back, in fact, it's always there even when it bothers me less. Maybe you just wrote it without hoping for anything, just to fill the time and boredom.

So far, I've only found "stuff" that make it feel like the hole, the emptiness, isn't there, short term solutions. Like alcohol, or alcohol and video games, or alcohol and writing. And I used to cut myself a lot and often long time ago but that doesn't work anymore, that is stupid and childish and wouldn't even feed my emptiness anymore, but it used to be my cure, long ago.
Shoplifting was like that as well, would make me euphoric and happy - but I don't do it, I became too old for that. Sex - used to fill me up emotionally, or sometimes it would make me feel more empty. But even when it would make me feel more empty, sometimes I've enjoyed not enjoying sex - in masochisting way...
Actually, masochistic stuff, made me feel better, it's so weird. I like being sick, I like feeling bad and ill - maybe because part of me hates myself so much, maybe because even fever is better than chronic nothingness and boredom.
Being in love made me hiperactive and overly happy, but it's like a drug - effect just fades with time, leaving me empty and hungry again. I'd like to think there must be more healthy ways to fill myself, like psychotherapy, or hobby I'm really passionate about, or sport. But nothing is long term solution, that's my opinion for now.



I feel like describing what this emptiness feels like to me. It feels like this:
When I used to cut myself, I didn't just cut. I butchered myself. I had razorblade, I'd press it very deep in my skin, and just pull it very quickly. This wouldn't make a cut, it would make a hole, completely removing centimeters of my flesh. So, I used to make this big wounds.
And the pain - I wouldn't feel it until later. First wave of pain was maybe a minute after opening a hole in my flesh. it was sharp and felt strong, wasn't really pain, just felt like very sharp pressure.

And after that, entire area of my body around the wound would feel sensitive and painful, itchy, burning, and I had to be very careful not to excidentally touch it. It would heal for weeks, so for weeks if the cut was on my arm, I wouldn't have fully functional arm, couldnt sleep on that side and other stuff...
And with time it would just heal completely, replacing the hole with new skin and scar.

The emtiness, the empty gaping hole I have inside me feels like I have a really big wide open cut, very deep too. and everything surrounding it is red and painful and so uncomfortable.
And I feel like I'm always kinda waiting for it to start healing and the hole, lack of flesh, to start closing, but it doesn't. Its not that it really hurts. It just kind of annoys and bothers, burns, itches... and if you make one wrong move, if you forget you have open wound on your arm (example), suddenly you're reminded and have to adjust your entire movement so you don't hurt it more.

It really feels like infected painful red open wound that won't heal and just bothers me, annoys me, doesn't hurt all the time, but punishes me with pain when I forget for a short time that it's there. I have the want, need, urge, for it to close up finally and become scar but even after over 10 years it still a fresh open wound which is a big burden.

I also have issues with women, which means that even though I have an amazing girlfriend, I still feel like I need other women's approval, praise and attention

This is me.

I wish I could understand it. I think it may be fueled by the fear of abandonment. The fear of putting all our eggs in one basket.

I get the bottomless pit thing, too. It isn't that intense very often, but it's always kind of lurking in the background. For me it isn't an "empty life" so much as it is a very literal, tangible emptiness. I've described it as feeling like one of those hollow chocolate easter bunnies, just a thin veneer over literally nothing. When it gets really bad it feels like I literally have no insides, no organs, no muscle, bones, blood, nothing.

It's most noticeable when I've been bored and lacking stimulation for too long. It feels all-consuming at that point, like more of a black hole trying to suck everything in. I've tried filling it with things like work, alcohol, a family, religion, etc, but it just can't be done.

My impulsive behaviours always came about in an effort to fill that bottomless pit, the chronic emptiness in my soul. Spending, sex, speeding, video games, etc etc.