"The one and only"

Hi guys,
I wanted too make this thread as i had a epiphany 5 mins ago
(reading someones reply) on a different part of the site

So, anyway
For me i have always been the happiness when its just me and one other person,

1. Me and a guy
2. Me and 1 best friend
3. No mother in laws
4. No boyfriends kids (from a different relationship)
5. Boyfriend with not any friends

All comes down to no competition right?
Well thats the epiphany i just had, as i said after reading the reply from an OP it was worded so perfectly that i could relate so much with what they worded for them.

Anyway i was just wondering if anyone else has that feeling to be "the one and only" ?
i don't mean like the attention needy behavior we sometimes have, that's not the part i mean.

I know i like attention but i dont "need" it. like i said as long as there isnt anyone to compete with im happy and un-triggered...

Is it selfish too want that?
is it a human or personality trait?


Any thoughts would be helpful
thanks

I know what you mean. I put a lot of it down to social anxiety and being a sad social leper. That's just me personally - not suggesting you're a sad social leper, Echinacea!

For me

1. Me and a guy -
True. Also, who else would be OK with me sitting about in my undercrackers?
2. Me and 1 best friend.
Also true. I get nervous in groups of people and am an introvert. The social hangover isn't as bad with a 1-2-1.
3. No mother in laws.
Ha ha! Need I elaborate!
4. No boyfriends kids (from a different relationship).
Many of the parents I've known have said that they love their kids, but other people's are annoying!
5. Boyfriend with not any friends.
Boyfriend's friends can be a challenge. I like to get around it by encouraging 'bloke time' and then suck it up when I have to socialise with them.

I think a lot of people like the one-to-one and others are more sociable. There are so many reasons why people are like this. It's probably selfish if you never try and challenge your own behaviour some of the time.

I completely understand the mother in law thing!

if i'm with a friend, i get disappointed when a third person joins the group. i go silent n wait for the person to leave or rather i only leave the group.

CloudShark wrote:I know what you mean. I put a lot of it down to social anxiety and being a sad social leper. That's just me personally - not suggesting you're a sad social leper, Echinacea!

Ha ha ha this made me giggle (i didnt see it as you insinuated i was) dont worry
i love groups but not if im left out ..i love socializing as long as im planning the party/ hosting the party/ or its my party. i loved working the bar
, because people came to see me talk to me while having a drink, im a good listener and very honest so guys liked to rant about their naggy wives
So theraputic for both, they get things off their chest and i got attention i needed to remain in happy mode (win win) right?

CloudShark wrote:I think a lot of people like the one-to-one and others are more sociable. There are so many reasons why people are like this. It's probably selfish if you never try and challenge your own behaviour some of the time.

I completely understand the mother in law thing!

i was out helping/hosting a birthday party in a Barn on saturday, (im up in the mountains remember) make up, hair down nice clothes high healed boots, i felt and looked great , ha ha every one was shocked, they have only ever seen my in "washawoman mode" ha ha eye candy was ######6 amazing even got hugs lol...i had the best time, the first good night out in 4.5 years, 12 hour party ..i was wrecked but could still walk ...i surprised myself. i felt like i did working behind the bar 10 years ago. was a nice feeling ...

yea , dont have to tell you about the mother in law ha ha ...i know cloudshark

jaus tail wrote:if i'm with a friend, i get disappointed when a third person joins the group. i go silent n wait for the person to leave or rather i only leave the group.

Yea exactly jaus,
3 people doesnt work really for me ....though i did manage on Saturday to be a group of girls and it was quite nice ..both asking me questions rather than them talk among themselves and leaving me out. so it worked.

i do not think i have bpd because the things i do in real life do not seem like something a non wouldn’t do.i can’t understand.
i want the one and only.i am only satisfied with that feeling.mediocore middle friends seem like no friends at all.and i feel alone.
in the past before i read about pds etc.
i have a best friend for example and revolve my life around them.i like when they are social and i have their friends too.
i used to have a best friend who was incredibly social and i enjoyed it too much.meeting new people throught her.
now i think maybe i would like also someone not social but wanting to be always with me.
i used to be everyday all day with her and i remember her saying to me:
"you know you can be friends with someone without being everyday together."
i didn’t undertand that because to me it isn’t enough. like i feel detached and lonely if i do not have a deep connection.
i had very Close best friends every few years,nothing last forever .i do not know where they are now most of them.at all.
and we used to be incredibly close.
that was before i read about pds.
now i do not know maybe i would try to not loose contact.but then i didn’t care. they felt like strangers at some point.i think it was their fault too ,not only mine.
i think relationships are even more triggering to me than friendships.
now something bad happened to me and i just feel lost in general.and detached.
could this be bpd.i do not know.it seems so normal everyone does

I don't have BPD, but was asked to respond to this thread.

Echinacea wrote:as long as there isnt anyone to compete with im happy and un-triggered...

Is it selfish too want that?
is it a human or personality trait?

When people feel loved, they feel as if they are the only person in the world or that they've been welcomed fully into a group. It is human nature to seek feelings of acceptance and security with other people. That's just how we are built.

When one feels as if others are competition, that is a sense of scarcity, that there is only a specific amount of something, like love, and it must be doled out and divvied up. That's usually a misunderstanding brought about by past experiences, where someone offered only conditional love (which isn't actually love at all) or someone was not equipped to handle the level of intensity of the other person (which is just an unfortunate mismatch of personalities.)

Is it selfish to want to feel like you are the other person's one and only - no, I don't think so, I think that's a sign of secure attachment.

Is it selfish to want to be the other person's one and only - I don't think selfish is the right word to describe it. I think it means that's all you're capable of at the moment, and if you work on it, you build the confidence to not have to expect that.

I don't think it's selfish to expect in a relationship to be someone's 'number one' but it's almost impossible to be their 'one and only.' The only way that could happen would be if you locked them in a cage or they were so emotionally damaged they were incapable of interacting with others. Do those people exist? Yes they do, but it would be more helpful in the long run, rather than spending your energy searching for someone who will make you their one and only, instead to work on your confidence so you don't always see other people as competition.

Do I think it's a human trait - yes, like I said, to feel that way but not to actually be that way.

Do I think it's a personality trait - I'm not sure it's at that level. I think it's more a life outlook (that there is a limited amount of love) and a lack of confidence. Which is great news, because it means you can challenge it and over time change it if you want to.

@inverse
Thank you for responding i appreciate it,
Yes i understand where your coming from in regards to changing the way i think about competition of others and yes your right it is possible to change if i put the effort in, just because im in a situation ive never been in before doesnt mean i cant learn to work around these things right?

This is why i needed to ask about the human side vs personally side, sometimes its hard to know
ive never had a mother in law in any of my relationships...so she triggered me all the time. she was the competition i had every day for 3 years. so hopefully i never am in that situation again but at least if i am i'll see it early and put my foot down

Thanks again inverse

Good reply, inverse.

You mentioned that one reason why we feel others as competition is the sense of scarcity of something, such as love, which must be "doled out and divvied up". I'd like to add that there is also the sense of detachment from the third parity. For instance a step-mother (the third parity) is likely to be perceived as competition but your own mother, if you have a good bond with her, won't be. Likewise, step-kids are much more likely to be perceived as competition than your own kids, because your attachment to your own kids is usually much stronger.

In a more philosophical way to describe competition, even when your blood flow is scarce, you don't feel like your leg is in competition against your head, because they are both integral parts of you. The same sense Jesus Christ showed us that we are all brothers, sons of the lord, leading humans to accept each other as part of themselves. What for? To reduce competition in the world.

Now, there is still healthy and unhealthy competition. Some people are biologically programmed for a greater level of competitiveness. For instance, undermethylation, which affects 30% of population, is a factor for increased competitiveness, and is seen in top CEOs and olympic athletes. They are competitive, but they do not necessarily have relationship difficulties. The unhealthy competition tendency in personal relations depends more on rather we are nurtured with solid and healthy attachment or not. Someone with a strong inborn tendency for competition AND who is raised with attachment issues, may develop hypercompetitiveness, which is an unhealthy trait that may be accompanied with narcissistic traits.

So the way to get rid from unhealthy competition might be to overcome our attachment issues and learn how to perceive others as, in some way, an integrate part of us.

@PsyHealer
Thank you for your thoughts and yes i see how unhealthy competition is now,
i loved your analogies and yes i see what i must work on

I love how you guys have different ways of wording things and i really appreciate your advice and experiences ...i learn more and more about myself everyday and it is inspiring, it makes me "want" to change how ive seen things my whole life, being jealous of my ex's loving their mothers (i dont know real love) only sexual attraction and the love i feel for family is totally different (i know)

I realize while typing it sounds/reads so odd but its the only way i can word it, jealousy is high when someone else needs someone i have (even if we are not doing anything at that moment) i still "felt" they were taking from me. its almost like i never learnt to share...Hmm

Hmm, thank you
i have much too process