Just had enough TRIGGERING

I've just got to that point where I've had enough. I suffer with BPD. I have been in intensive psychotherapy for two years and I finish in three weeks. I have done this for two years and it's been a massive part of my life and i really don't want it to end but it has to. I'm scared that I'm going to be abandoned. I also have a CPN which I'm finding hard to trust and connect with.

My 3 year old daughter has lived with my parents for two years and I travel up and down every weekend to see her as I live 70 miles away. She is coming back to live with me as soon after the therapy has finished. Obviously I feel I will find this hard as I've been alone and that for so long. I am excited that my daughters coming back and I know I'm going to be ok but I'm not gonna also say I won't find it strange and maybe hard.

I've had my pip and ESA form come through and I'm finding this really stressful as I might have to go for assessments which i don't think I'll cope with. I plan to work in the next year or so it's s goal I want to work up to as I don't want to live off the government but right now I just can't.

I had a blood test a few weeks ago as I've been feeling unwell lately and my full blood count came back "borderline" so the doc wants to check it again in 6 weeks. This is nothing to the average person but to me I go to extremes "I'm dying", "is it the worst". When I rang up the docs they reassured me I'm fine Im not gonna die or anything life threatening it might just be I was dehydrated that day or I hadn't eaten or anything. But it's still on my mind and can't wait til these 6 weeks are up. I even laugh at myself at how irrational I am about it but my mind just don't get a grip lol

I'm still grieving over my ex partner. (Daughters dad) every day's a struggle. He took his own life. I have nightmares. I seen him in the chapel of rest. I seen him in hospital. I won't go into what happened or but there's a whole story on top of taking his life and it just goes over and over in my mind everyday. We weren't together but I loved him with all my heart. He was a very good person. I'm just finding it so hard. I just wish it was me that died. I get paranoid his gonna appear in my flat and I have to sleep with the light on. I feel so stupid thinking this and I've had enough living this way.

Lately I've been suffering with panic attacks and they are new for me. I've suffered from anxiety nearly all my life but not an actual attack the first time I had one I stupidly called an ambulance and they were very rude. I already felt so vulnerable but hey I wasted there time so maybe I couldn't blame them. I felt like I was going to die I know it sounds dramatic but yeah.

I know this all sounds "oh feel sorry for me" etc.. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything I just wanted somewhere to vent. So thanks to anyone that took the time to read it.

I just seriously want to end my life. People think I'm ok now I have all these tools behind me I'm cured. But the temptation to do something drastic to show everyone how much pain I'm really in consumes me everyday. I try so hard to be as positive and optimistic as I can but those thoughts are so appealing. I want to be where he is. No more $#%^, just peace.

Hey there,

First, I'm really sorry about the loss of your daughter's dad. What an awful situation to be in. It's completely understandable that you'd still be thinking about it to this day, ruminating about it, I'm sure he meant a lot to you. Sometimes we get "stuck" with our grief and need additional help moving past all the stages, but at the same time, everyone moves at their own pace. You never really get over the ones you love, even after they're long gone.

It sounds like you're still having some BPD-type issues. You feel unheard, like you're not being understood, and you want to act out to get your point across? I have to commend you for having so much self-control, even though it feels like you're losing control inwardly, because that takes a lot of strength.

Have you mentioned any of this to your therapist? You said it's limited and it's ending, but perhaps he or she doesn't understand that you feel you cannot quite cope outside of therapy just yet on your own? The fact that you're having these thoughts and intensely fearing abandonment seems that you have self-control now, and your BPD has gotten milder, but it hasn't gone away completely yet. I would try being completely honest with your therapist. Include everything you've said here.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

octopuslol wrote:Hey there,

First, I'm really sorry about the loss of your daughter's dad. What an awful situation to be in. It's completely understandable that you'd still be thinking about it to this day, ruminating about it, I'm sure he meant a lot to you. Sometimes we get "stuck" with our grief and need additional help moving past all the stages, but at the same time, everyone moves at their own pace. You never really get over the ones you love, even after they're long gone.

It sounds like you're still having some BPD-type issues. You feel unheard, like you're not being understood, and you want to act out to get your point across? I have to commend you for having so much self-control, even though it feels like you're losing control inwardly, because that takes a lot of strength.

Have you mentioned any of this to your therapist? You said it's limited and it's ending, but perhaps he or she doesn't understand that you feel you cannot quite cope outside of therapy just yet on your own? The fact that you're having these thoughts and intensely fearing abandonment seems that you have self-control now, and your BPD has gotten milder, but it hasn't gone away completely yet. I would try being completely honest with your therapist. Include everything you've said here.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Thank you for your understanding. I cannot space this out as my enter button doesn't work lol I really do not want to act out, i feel therapy has learnt me not to and i do have self control now but the last few days i feel like i'm in an episode, i know i'm in an episode and I've been paralysed on my sofa, non stop crying not knowing weather to ring an ambulance to get some help or take an overdose and drink alcohol. I've emailed all the right people like Smartains but i am in so much pain. Its like my emotions have shut down due to all the stress to protect themselves. I feel like when i am honest with my therapis he is a good therapist but i feel i don't get taken seriously.