*TW* Desperate

Hi, I'm new to this forum. But desperately looking for advice and answers to my situation.

One of my children (adult) was diagnosed with BPD some years ago. Therapy was offered, but that was all. Nobody offered to sit down and explain the condition.
Now the situation is horrendous.

Extreme Behaviour is very highly apparent. Obsessive Behaviour too. He dominates my life. He blames me for everything wrong in his life.. Though now has scarcely any friends, siblings walked away a long time ago (and in many ways I can't blame anyone for that) so he's constantly on at me as he has no one else... His behaviour is horrific towards me when he crashes, and bad periods are far out weighing good days now, I can't actually remember the last good spell..

Filthy name calling, foul language, terrific temper that can go on for days...
During that time I dare not visit him, fear keeps me away. He makes horrible threats to me, as I'm now, more or less, the only one in contact with him. He does make appointments to see doctors, but then crashes and won't leave the house, and cancels all appointments.

A couple of friends keep in touch, but regularly have to stop contact because of the extreme behaviour and threats, and the threats of suicide which are almost daily... He's taken overdoses for years, never enough to kill. More to get people there to 'save' him... It's a heartbreaking situation for me.


Our local mental health team haven't been much help at all... he was discharged from their books due to non-cooperation and missed appointments etc. I can understand their frustration, but all that is part of the illness surely? Short of having him sectioned, I don't know what else to do.


Is it common for people with BPD to be totally obsessed with their condition?? It's all he seems to talk about! He's constantly shoving the illness down my throat, and anyone else how makes contact with him... If I say something to him, he'll come back with remarks like 'you shouldn't talk to someone with BPD like THAT'!! He constantly refers to the BPD in any conversations we have. 'You can't talk to me like that' 'that's not how to treat people with BPD' 'I have a mental health illness' etc and it's all the time, no let up.... But often those remarks are over something simple.. Nothing of any great impact. He's constantly putting me down, all my failings as a mother etc. He can't seem to just get out of this obsession with the illness, he reads up everything he can find on it, then dictates it all to anyone who'll listen.


He has raging tempers that can last for days/weeks... He's constantly alone, which he hates, but people don't want to go near him. And he expects me to be at his beck and call 24/7. I can't do that. I'm 60 and not well myself...


Is all this sort of behaviour normal for BPD??? I've read up a good bit on it, but can't find any references to this sort of foul language, furious temper and threats, obsession with their own condition, emotional blackmail as well, on a regular basis... I'm thinking there must surely be some other underlying illness causing all this...


There may be some threads on here that refer to this sort of behaviour, but I've not had time to read through the lists of topics yet. Any confirmation of this behaviour and any tips/advice would be welcome.

XX

Sorry you've been having such a difficult time of things. You might find more support here family-support/ from people who have loved ones with things like BPD.

I am diagnosed with BPD and I have never behaved like your son. I have never spoken to people outside this forum about my diagnosis (other than doctors of course). As I read your post though it sounded less like being obsessed with the diagnosis and more just an excuse to behave really badly. But BPD effects everyone differently. It sounds to me like you need to lay down some ground rules and to encourage him to seek professional help. Yes, he has BPD but that's no excuse for abusing you.

Keeko,

When he keeps researching about the disorder and says "you should not talk like that to someone that has BPD!" I think he is being intelligent and doing his best. He tries to blame the disorder instead of blaming you or himself and desperately tries to learn about anything that could help him out of it.

We both know his behavior is "inappropriate", but also that as parents our sense of responsibility may grow stronger than our sense of our own needs, which is normal. Try not feeling any guilt for it and just focus on what is effective and what's not effective.

Yes he might have other diagnosable labels which I could list, but it's not my job here to help you on diagnosing him and I don't think that will help you further since the diagnostic you presented (BPD) already fits your description and seems indeed to be the main issue he has.

What I can do to help you it to send a link and hope that you find up encouragement from this 3 minute video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo6pEhg61z8

KeekoKeeko wrote:Is it common for people with BPD to be totally obsessed with their condition?? It's all he seems to talk about! He's constantly shoving the illness down my throat, and anyone else how makes contact with him... If I say something to him, he'll come back with remarks like 'you shouldn't talk to someone with BPD like THAT'!! He constantly refers to the BPD in any conversations we have. 'You can't talk to me like that' 'that's not how to treat people with BPD' 'I have a mental health illness' etc and it's all the time, no let up.... But often those remarks are over something simple.. Nothing of any great impact. He's constantly putting me down, all my failings as a mother etc. He can't seem to just get out of this obsession with the illness, he reads up everything he can find on it, then dictates it all to anyone who'll listen.

He has raging tempers that can last for days/weeks... He's constantly alone, which he hates, but people don't want to go near him. And he expects me to be at his beck and call 24/7. I can't do that. I'm 60 and not well myself...

Is all this sort of behaviour normal for BPD??? I've read up a good bit on it, but can't find any references to this sort of foul language, furious temper and threats, obsession with their own condition, emotional blackmail as well, on a regular basis... I'm thinking there must surely be some other underlying illness causing all this...

I can imagine it's horrible to be on the receiving end of this. I don't think you necessarily need to pathologize his behavior ("is there another illness that causes this?") to try to understand it. First, it will take a lot of patience on your part and you should NOT take the things he throws at you personally. I think he is just trying to feel heard, perhaps he is has adopted "I have BPD" as a defense for any perceived mistreatment. I am sure you or anyone else didn't mean to. He won't understand the pain he causes you because he is not aware of it right now, he is in too much pain himself. He isn't ignoring your pain or trying to cause it because he can't deal with his own right now, let alone someone else's. So it's not your fault, but he probably has some severe issues with misperception of reality - assuming he is in fact being treated reasonably and kindly. And I can totally understand some moments where you just don't feel like you can make him feel loved, and it's too much. And in those cases it's not your fault but it isn't his either when he reacts to feeling hurt.

Our local mental health team haven't been much help at all... he was discharged from their books due to non-cooperation and missed appointments etc. I can understand their frustration, but all that is part of the illness surely? Short of having him sectioned, I don't know what else to do.

Okay, the first thing to do here is to tell him to take his treatment seriously, and tell him that he is hurting you by his behavior. He will react I am sure, and he will be hurt, but he doesn't need live in a hell like this and neither do you.

trigger warning...not intended to offend the parents, just putting my perspective

i blame my caretaker for my mental condition. i often raged at her, have banged the doors of the house and thrown utensils around for the way she treated me as a child.

what helped me realize is:

my caretaker's childhood wasnt easy. i found out that her parents were toxic n it sort of passed on
the world isnt an easy place. its dangerous n if your alone, the world can crush you, and its a tortured soul that tortures others. my caretaker was an unhappy person n her unhappiness manifested into rage.

i dont know how you were as a parent to your child, nor am i judging any of you in any way. but maybe write a letter to him explaining your perspective. my issues came from invalidating childhood. had i not learnt stuff about my caretaker's past i would've continued raging at her.

Hi, thank you very much for your input...

I (and others) have often wondered if he's blaming his illness for bad behaviour?

He says we're supposed to let all the foul language, name calling and accusations just pass over our heads and take no notice of them, is that correct? I try hard to ignore it all, but it really does get to me at times... Other people don't ignore it obviously... They get very angry and offended, hence no friends or family support from the other family members.

I did speak to a therapist who seems to think HE needs to make the effort first and get help, so that other family members would be more prepared to help and support.. But he says no. That they have to put more effort into helping and supporting him first, so that he can get better. The family won't hear of it. They think it's wrong and why should they bother if they're going to get mountains of abuse from him at the first hurdle? Which I can see happening, easily.

He's very lonely. That grieves me a lot. It didn't used to be this bad. But it's getting worse with lots of threats of suicide. Sadly, nobody takes any notice of that, because he's overdosed dozens of times, possibly a 3 figure number over the years, but never enough to kill himself. Then he wonders why none of us rush to his house to 'save' him. Crying wolf? It's so sad. But also, my husband won't have me chasing up and down after him... it does wear me out, makes me ill, but I feel so bad for not doing it. My son says I should be there, staying with him (my hubby won't hear of it) or that he should move back in with us........!!! I really hate to say it, but I wouldn't be able to cope with that, he's so overbearing, to the point of bullying. My hubby certainly doesn't want it either. I'm just so stuck for what to do.
He thinks I should drop everything and run to him when he shouts 'suicide'. I get waves of abuse if I don't. In times gone by I have gone and sat with him for hours, days even, but it made no difference, he would still be threatening suicide the next day... A waste of time really.

The video is very interesting. Well worth having a look at. His diet now is very bad, days without eating hardly anything. He's so skinny, and white. But that's worth looking at, if I can get him to eat?

I'm just at a total loss. Setting ground rules will only anger him, I know. Criticize his behaviour in any way or say he shouldn't do things, and he flies into rages.

My head is a mess. I don't know what to do anymore. Others have said he should be sectioned. He would never forgive me for that, and I am a bit afraid to do it....

can you maybe suggest him moving to a new place away from family?

i am most peaceful when i am away from people of my past, including my caretaker.
i didnt get any idea of his age. but if he can move to a relative's place or to some place where he could start his life fresh, that'd be helpful i guess.

KeekoKeeko wrote:The video is very interesting. Well worth having a look at. His diet now is very bad, days without eating hardly anything. He's so skinny, and white. But that's worth looking at, if I can get him to eat?

The book from Walsh is not about what we eat. It is about making lab exams and swallowing stuff that comes in bottles Stuff that already exists in our bodies and that we already eat, but in a much higher concentration and dosage than you could have in a single lunch.

I think Walsh should rename his book because everyone gets it wrong at the first moment. The book is about treating mental disorders, based on most recent orthomolecular discoveries on this field, through supplements that are specific for the biochemistry of YOUR brain.

Not eating well is certainly debilitating and makes the recovery harder, but even the best diet in the world would NOT regulate the biochemistry of someone who has a severe chemical imbalance, because those imbalances are INDIVIDUAL. That means they are linked to our genes (and sometimes to epigenetic changes in our genes). And mental health population has an incredibly higher incidence of biochemical imbalances compared to the remaining population.

Unfortunately Walsh hasn't published results that are specific for BPD patients, but with his team of hundreds of volunteers, he treated over 10 thousand patients with mental disorders, mostly in mental hospitals and prison. Overall percentage of BPD patients among mental hospitals internals is usually high, like 25%.

If you are lucky enough to live in US, you can do consultation with a doctor that follows Walsh's and Pfeiffer doctrin and research results. Then do the prescribed exams in the special labs meant for this purpose. I wouldn't expect a cure for BPD, but I would guess that the chances that your son would have significant improvement from this treatment are very high. I'm making this statement based not on the BPD label, but on everything else you wrote, especially his apparent inability to control his own behavior.

If you don't live in US, there are alternatives too...

Link for further reading: http://www.walshinstitute.org/biochemic ... ition.html

KeekoKeeko wrote:He says we're supposed to let all the foul language, name calling and accusations just pass over our heads and take no notice of them, is that correct? I try hard to ignore it all, but it really does get to me at times... Other people don't ignore it obviously... They get very angry and offended, hence no friends or family support from the other family members.

No, of course not. Tell him it's not okay. Sorry I should also explain my last reply where I said that "it's not his fault if he feels bad and reacts [to a certain situation]." You shouldn't have to take ANYTHING that hurts you - that's true both for you and him. You shouldn't have to deal with it. And I honestly don't think you NEED to deal with it because there's definitely a way out of this, and he needs to take his treatment seriously. If he reacts with rage, be strong anyways about what you need from him and tell him he needs to get better and cannot keep treating people like that.

KeekoKeeko wrote:
Is it common for people with BPD to be totally obsessed with their condition?? It's all he seems to talk about! He's constantly shoving the illness down my throat, and anyone else how makes contact with him... If I say something to him, he'll come back with remarks like 'you shouldn't talk to someone with BPD like THAT'!! He constantly refers to the BPD in any conversations we have. 'You can't talk to me like that' 'that's not how to treat people with BPD' 'I have a mental health illness' etc and it's all the time, no let up.... But often those remarks are over something simple.. Nothing of any great impact. He's constantly putting me down, all my failings as a mother etc. He can't seem to just get out of this obsession with the illness, he reads up everything he can find on it, then dictates it all to anyone who'll listen.

So how about you tell us the things YOU are saying to HIM which cause for him to stand up for himself and set such boundaries. Because that's what it sounds like he is doing with you, setting boundaries and telling you that it's not ok to speak to him in certain manners. But you seem offended and put out by this. I hardly doubt he would say those things to you after you simply asked him how his day was. Come on, if you want genuine help here then start taking acknowledgment with the part you have played in this guy developing this disorder.

I am sure my womb donor goes around telling anyone and everyone that I am a horrible person that calls her the most terrible things. And of course she neglects to mention what she has done to me since I was a young kid to cause me to start to lash out. She still harshly competed with me and resented me to this day, which would cause me to literally lose my mind. Cutting off the whole lot of my extended family is what finally gave me the freedom to function better. If his siblings have all turned on him and abandoned him, of which you seem to encourage by the sounds of it, and you're hell bent on laying all of the blame on him all the time then I think he'd be better off moving away from you all and starting a fresh. It may be the guy's only chance at having a decent crack at life.

Does he ever call you? Or are you the one instigating all of the contact?