What if he is suddenly detached from you?

Echinacea wrote:i do think that you need to set some healthy boundaries for you and for her because i see her getting "false hope" kind of, and i feel that that will be devastating for her when she attaches more to this family illusion as you pull more and more away.

It's not really an illusion. The outcome depends on her. If she gets motivation enough to improve her behavior/attitude, she might succeed in not pushing us further away. I'm trying not to use words with her, just gestures. Because words are fuel for arguing.

Yes I know a gesture like this (to sleep 40 minutes together) sends a different message, but I'm actually in internal conflict, thus I'm being a terrible "detacher". I have been kissing her every day, for instance. So I continue to put myself in risk. And sometimes it seems like I pay a price, right after, when she follows me again through the house trying to force me to listen to her endless complaints and demands.

But at least I'm doing some progress on this weakness I have. There is this dreadful feeling I get when I disconnect too much from her and now with the help of people from the Nons board, I'm trying to make some progress on comprehending this.

This weekend I invited her to try to sleep with me for the entire weekend (my kids are always with me during weekends). And if she succeeds in doing it without complaining too much, we can then continue our plans of having the bigger room for us and the baby. She is motivated to try, but said she doesn't feel prepared yet. And I'm indifferent about her choice. Before, when I keep maximally attached, she felt too comfortable and without any motivation to change. But now because I'm offering her a choice and not displaying attachment discomfort, she is able to notice her own attachment difficulty.

I must confess I made a much deeper invitation, for us to move to another country and start a more financially promising life. She said she is attached to her family here and doesn't feel our relationship is solid. I didn't argue against that, just reminded her that her family now is me and the baby, with the kids too of course. She appreciated this comment.

This at least gave her the motivation to take the supplements she needs, like the big Omega-3 softgels that she hates to swallow or the uncomfortable magnesium oil on her skin. I also did a kind of "good willed blackmail". I told her that if she didn't use the magnesium oil I would not try to reconnect to her. Then she gave me her arms for me to spray it. So I gave her a kiss and made a joke during the kiss like "hmm magnesium is delicious isn't it?". Next day she woke up in a so much better mood...

Echinacea wrote:Lovely to hear that she has bonded with your daughter, great news

Yes, taking care of the baby has been easy. The baby gives her a sense of importance and responsibility (finally, I see a more responsible behavior).

Echinacea wrote:In regards to the zinc supplements, i feel for myself that many supplements can help the body to replace lost nutriments throughout pregnancy and with other ailments in life, but as you know (site policy) personal experiences only . im glad you seen a different outcome with this lady.

It depends widely on who is pregnant. I mean pregnancy and breastfeeding may deplete the stores of a lot of nutrients, but it's not just because of pregnancy, it depends more on the individual's biology. For instance, the zinc requirements of each individual vary greatly. According to William Walsh, among the mental health population there are rare cases of people already high in zinc, while 90% are deficient. Due to pyrroluria, she is among the 90%, so she needs zinc supplementation regardless of being pregnant or not.

Echinacea wrote:Enjoy your new daughter and enjoy your new found (peace)

Yeah, I just hope I can really enjoy it for at least one week. Kids are here now, so let's see if tomorrow will be a nice day or one more day in hell (more likely it will).