Borderline VS Narcissistic

My partner, who I'll call Big D for ease of typing has been recently diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, firstly at my suggestion about 2 months ago and secondly backed up by his psychiatrist.

BUT...the nature of the beast being as such, Big D thinks the diagnosis is wrong.

Today he put Borderline Personality Disorder in front of me and we read the list. Yes, he fits every single criteria, every single thing that is listed he's either been through, thought like, acted like, or is currently going through.

I agreed that BPD when read on the diagnostic criteria does fit with him, but it doesn't answer all of his behaviour like NPD does.

He wanted an example.

It was difficult to do as I've not researched BPD at all and don't know how it plays out in everyday living.

As BPD says "reckless driving" and he says that's what he does. I had to explain he's not exactly 'reckless', at least not while I'm with him, but he is an arrogant driver, and to a certain extent, yes, there is a reckless element. But mostly he drives as if he owns the road, all other drivers are total idiots and not worthy of turning in front of him, or worth giving way to. He's abusive towards others to the extent that they've done nothing wrong and he's giving them the finger out the window anyway. He glares at every single other driver when he drives past them. He tells me he abuses other drivers through his anger. But I think and told him that I thought it was too frequent for anger, it was arrogance, and if it is truly anger, then he shouldn't be on the road at all.

Anyway, I digress, but this was the only example I could think of at the spur of the moment.

I was wondering if anyone who is familiar with BPD and NPD would be able to cite some examples or areas where they differ. Don't worry if you don't think it would fit my circumstance, I'd be able to interpret it into Big D's actions or otherwise.

Oh, as an example, NPD is often presented with depression as well as abusive and controlling behaviour, all of which Big D have. He did attempt suicide once, apparently, but it sounds to me like a pretty weak attempt and it was back in the late 70's. He's not tried it since, although he's presented himself as recent as November last year at a public clinic for suicidal thoughts. I wasn't present when he was interviewed but I got the impression they told him he was wasting their valuable resources... Which made him quite agitated.

I've come to the conclusion that Big D is NOT going to fall into the .01% of people who are successful in modifying their overall behaviour patterns so any answers I receive are not to 'help' him see the light. But to rather give me the background knowledge to stand my ground when he questions my reasoning for suggestiong NPD. Although I guess the psych's backup of that should be enough....but anyway, any assistance is gratefully accepted.

TIA.

Thanks Rubystar,

Those links are good, especially the 2nd one, except there's 2 areas in there that definately don't fit - over talking and excessive activity. They don't fit.

But I don't understand the connection of compensatory NPD and the question about BPD Vs NPD? Can you please explain a little more. Thanks

Big D is in super drive with hypochondria these past few months. I actually had to ask him the other day if he is establishing his self-esteem on how many specialists he needs to visit.

At the present time he is suffering from
a) sore muscle in shoulder that he's going to see the Doctor about and he says he may have to undergo phsyio and x-rays etc.,
b) sore jaw coz the last time he went to the dentist the injection must have damaged something. He saw his dental hygienist the other day and she says it's likely to fix itself in 2 - 3 months but he wants to go and see a specialist about it.
c) bad back. This is ongoing, but it comes and goes, he is presently taking mersyndol and Nurofen pain killers like lollies. The pain presents itself whenever I have a need for him to pay attention within the household (like I'm away or doing something for my own entertainment).
d) nausea, again this is ongoing, due to so much medication or if Little S has an upset tummy, he's says he gets it.

Over the past month he has finished seeing:
a) Ear, nose and throat specialist. Recently been checked for snoring and sleep apnea and now is fitted with a CPAP machine. But found out his mucous membranes in his nose have had frost bite from his younger camping days in the wilds of New Zealand so he has constant problems with his nose.
b) Urologist. His private 'bit' got all bent up, painful, erectile dysfunction. Specialist says he has scar tissue there, no cure, just got to live with it
c) Psychiatrist - well, he's just 'blown' him away
d) Phsyiotherapy for a strained ankle which he insisted on having x-rayed and check, it was only a muscle strain.

The following are simply on-going problems
a) Diabetes type 2. (Due to over eating and lack of exercise)
b) Headaches, hand and wrist pains, toe hurts, foot hurts, neck muscles hurt, bad knees, bad eyes.

He takes Lexapro for depression, Diamicron for Diabetes, and is weening himself off the Epilim, coz it looks like I've convinced him he's not manic.

So yea, I guess you could call him a hypochondriac.

But if you could get back to me about the connection between compensatory NPD and BPD thanks heaps.

oh, Rubystar, you are such a dear. I could give you a big cyber hug with the amount of times you've helped me.

This Borderline Narcissism is very very close to the mark. Much of it can only be known by the actual person, due to the personal emotions it mentions.

Thanks a heap, you've saved me hours and hours of web-searching.

Rubystar, I've passed your links onto Big D. It even got him reading and we had a reasonably pleasant discussion.

He seems to think he's BPD. So I said I could accept that he has BPD with strong narcissistic traits.

In everyday life, it really doesn't matter much. He presents many of the BPD criteria, in fact all of them except 1. The suicidal and self-injury aspect, that's not him, but you only have to have 5 to be commited to the disorder anyway!!! But what you've summarised in your post, he still has NPD in my mind, and I'll continue to treat him as such.

It just saves a whole heap of disagreement if I go along with BPD, but I'm still sticking with the strong N traits, I'll never let them go, as he doesn't have issues with anxiety (only quick short term stressful situations, like doing 2 things at once, and these are always self generated). And he doesn't have true abandonment issues as he was the one who left his last relationship.

Your post has given me a very good summary.

Thanks again.

testing only, please ignore

Thanks Rubystar. Been thinking a little bit more about this, and although he does present with the clinical list of borderline symptoms, they simply don't play out in his day to day activities or emotions.

Other than being male, he certainly doesn't need or seek excessive compliments for what he does. In fact, I'm sick of giving him a compliment coz each time I do he reacts badly to it. Never with a thanks and a genuine smile.

The only other lives he'd ever gets emotionally enmeshed with are people on the TV. He spends more time worrying and thinking about what Presidents Bush and Howard are doing in Iraq. The outcome for David Hicks and whether Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise or Russell Crowe are making any sort of headlines. Real people in real circumstances that actually matter to his life aren't given much credence at all.

I think he finds BPD to be less offensive than the description given for NPD. He totally insists that he does have empathy and he's suggested that he can't attend to anyone else's feeling coz he's so overwhelmed with his own he can't deal with it. I don't think that's the case. Either which way, it still has the same end result within a relationship - his mind is only half in it - his half..... sorry, cracking myself up at my own joke there.

Anyways, sounds like he's got himself a psychologist, I give it 3 maybe 4 sessions before he declares he's 'fixed' and stops going.

I may be wrong....you never know, but I doubt it.

Who IS rubystar... and why can't I see anything that she is posting?

well, rubystar, was rubystar.

For reasons I have no knowledge of, all of her posts have disappeared. I think the Moderators removed her as a member and all her posts went as well.

This thread now looks like I've had a complete conversation with myself only....

Rubystar helped me a lot, she was very good on the NPD forum.