Materialistic Tendencies

I figure this isn't something unique to or directly related to Cluster B dysfunctions, but maybe sometimes, for some people, in some ways, it might be. Not sure, let me know if you can relate, if you feel inclined.

Something I started to notice about myself not that long ago is that I'm pretty much never on the lookout for emotional sorts of things that people might offer me. I guess I just don't expect it, and also don't perceive much value on it, when it comes to like a base approach sort of thing.

I never received emotional nurturing and support growing up, and actually I experienced a lot of mental and emotional abuse. However my physical needs were pretty much always met. Well, minus safety, since sometimes my father would get violent or sexually abusive and nobody cared.

But like I always received gifts on the holidays, and it was usually what I wanted, within affordable reason. When my mother started her extreme flip-flopping with me in my mid-teens, as far as how I would be switched between roles of golden and scapegoat seemingly at random and on a regular basis, but really often depending on whether or not she was pleased with my brother at any given time, whenever I was briefly in the "golden" role, she would buy me things. Random things, but often nice things.

All these years later, and there is still the same sort of dynamic. My family is severely dysfunctional, and my mother still engages in all of the usual stuff.. invalidation, gaslighting, silent treatments, etc. I'm still expected to be completely emotionally suppressed and selfless, or else. But then my mother will do random things out of the blue, like buy me a pricy bundle of lavender oil products because she knows I like aromatherapy.

I guess it's like the way things work in this family, is that people can treat you like garbage emotionally and mentally, including smear campaigns and the whole nine yards, but then they will buy you something, and that's supposed to smooth things over.

And I just noticed not long ago that at some point I must have stopped caring, at least consciously, very much if at all about emotional things. Instead I focus very much on material things. I don't think I would want genuine emotional bonding with my mother at this point even if she offered, but I do want her to buy me a car, so I can get a job and gtfo of here. She will want to spend a day with me 'bonding' and I have no interest, it's a drag that I endure just to keep her from being bitchy. I feel that if she really cared about me and wanted to help me gain my independence, she would get me a damned car. She is very wealthy so it's not like it would break her bank in the least.

But then this also seems to bleed over into other interactions a bit. Like for example I have 0 work ethic, and I mean 0, seriously. I only care about, "What do I get out of this?" and don't feel any loyalty or respect to companies or superiors, ever. If I don't get something from going the extra mile, then I don't go the extra mile. When I am ready to leave a job, I just quit without notice, no ###$ given.

And I don't make friends anymore, it has been years. I see no value or purpose in it. I only interact with people if we are essentially exchanging goods/services. Like, "Here is $20 for gas, thanks for the weed," and then I am done.

Now I am the opposite to that. I am so not materialistic. I hate people giving me presents. I usually disappear around the time of things like birthdays or Xmas because I do not want any of it. I don't really buy stuff. Stuff for me is just meaningless.

As a child I would maybe pass an exam. Instead of telling me they were proud of me or stuff like that some gift would suddenly appear in my bedroom. Or they'd give me money. I hated it. I didn't want whatever it was they gave me. I never take money or borrow money off anyone, ever. Not since I was a teenager and even then I worked at weekends for my own money.

If people give me stuff it feels like they're trying to buy my affections or it makes me somehow obligated in some way. What I want is the emotional stuff, not the stuff you can buy.

my parents were materialistic too and very impulsive .they only lived for the moment . plans for safety in future never cared about.
although my father could easily seem like idealist because he was educated. but his actions were materialistic.
everytime he gained anything, he spent it very quick by luxury. when they had money they buy me things too and give me money. when they didn't have money i didn't have a home and not even to eat. but yeah the gifts.
it is strange because they would always justify my pain with the logic: i gave you money and expensive gifts so you are spoiled. forgetting the times i didn't have to eat or anything bad they did.

i end up to act opposite of them. that baffled every person that knew my parents. because most people always said to me , how is it possible to not be impulsive like your father. why aren't you like him?
i also blame the fact that i was very idealistic and that got me hurt more. and now i am not anymore.and i am way more cynic and do not trust anyone,and care more about materials.
if you see people as threat and that are going to hurt you, you start being incredibly cynic yourself.
i change to be more materialist and cynic and egotistic. but i used to be so innocent in comparison.
still now i value emotions more than materials. but i always feel that i am stupid for doing that. and i should just seek money.i can't be satisfied without emotions.i often think that i would be more happy if i just wanted money and chase that.but without feelings i don't feel happiness. feelings motivate me more than money maybe my life would be easier if i was motivated just by money.