How to Stay Stable?

Feeling a lot, some of it actually good, on a cognitive level. Haven't lost interest in my instruments, or in working out.

But mourning my mother hard - getting close to the anniversary of her death - really missing the BF. Feeling alternately angry, sad, OK, understanding the break-up, being utterly perplexed by it, feeling like life can/will be better eventually; feeling completely hopeless that I'll ever have any real happiness or the kind of relationship I want. Wanting to opt out of life completely, but still wanting to pursue goals. I guess it's better than being totally depressed, but it's like being caught in a storm.

Is there a way to create some kind of stability? Anyway to arrest the process in the more neutral parts of this?

I'm really sorry for the loss of your mom and the relationship. I think it is inevitable that anyone is going to struggle and hurt when they are dealing with the things you are currently dealing with. The death of a parent can be really hard, as well as the end of a relationship, are two of life's biggest challenges for anyone. So to me, it makes total sense that you feel a bit unstable/lost. Grieving is not easy at all.

On a practical level, just being aware of those emotions and validating them is a big thing. It's easy to get lost in the emotional maelstrom when all these things are going on. Remind yourself, as many times as you need, that it's OK to grieve and you're not always going to be or feel perfect. Sometimes things just need to process and it's like watching a kettle, I find. We think and think about the things that are hurting us, feeling like we aren't making progress. but in those moments where we are least expecting to find closure and peace, it stumbles upon us as we are just living our life. And there comes a time when you realize the memories don't hurt so much, you filter out the pain more and more and you find happiness and contentment in the memories of loved ones.

As for the pull between opting out and continuing - I really like to think of those two things as being like two "parts" of me. Two pieces that I haven't been able to reconcile and allow to make peace with each other, and that's OK. There's the part that knows how much life can hurt and wants to protect me by opting out and not allowing any more pain in. There's the part that also knows there's so much happiness, beauty, love, etc to be had, and wants to keep going and making things better. I recognize the hurting part, the part that wants to quit, as sort of a hurt child who just really wants safety and for everything to be the same, to be blind to the bad things that happen in our lives. Those feelings are all coming from a place of hurt and it's up to "happier" me, "stronger" me, to always remind the little one about the good things and that everything will probably be OK if we just stick in there. Those parts of me may never be in full agreement, and that's OK.

So sorry for your loss. Grief is obviously different for everyone and I hope you're coping with it.
Are you living alone or with someone?

Isolation is not ideal, so if you are living alone you need to make supa effort to either invite people over or go out quite a bit. It's far too easy to just sit and rot by yourself. As I've been doing the past couple of days.

After saying all of that, to try answer your question, the only person you can have 100% stability and faith in is yourself. You can't ever pin your hopes, dreams or desires onto someone else.

I relate to the storm in your head. I call mine a hurricane. Spinning round gathering more and more crazy thoughts.

Mindfulness might be helpful. I listen to a lot of music. Talking on here. Sending love x

Thanks so much for the encouragement = and the suggestion that I go out, and not isolate. I am living alone - I've made it a point to call people, let them know what's going on. Heading out now to watch the Olympics with some people from my writers' group.

I have more to say about the wonderful responses, but will post those when I get back.

Thanks again, folks. It really means a lot.

witchessabbath wrote:hose feelings are all coming from a place of hurt and it's up to "happier" me, "stronger" me, to always remind the little one about the good things and that everything will probably be OK if we just stick in there. Those parts of me may never be in full agreement, and that's OK.

Very moving, very sweet, very wise. A shrink I saw once said, of intrusive thoughts, that if you think of them as 'just something your mind does' they can lose power. I suppose the same can be said about intensely negative feelings - just something the mind does, but that isn't necessarily true.

littlerbear wrote: Those parts of me may never be in full agreement, and that's OK

I'm pretty sure that for me, they won't be because they're always there. I pretty much ignore them but with the break-up, they feel a lot truer.

betweenwhat wrote: the only person you can have 100% stability and faith in is yourself. You can't ever pin your hopes, dreams or desires onto someone else.

The older I get, the more true that seems. I'm responsible for making my life worth living. What about trust, though?