How do I make him trust me?

I'm recently married and ive suspected he was BPD for a while. He has instantaneous mood swings, happy to furious in less than a second. When he's angry, he will ignore me for days or say really super cruel things.

I don't know why after all these years, he still thinks I can't be trusted. I never lie to him about anything (literally, not even surprises because it might upset him), but he thinks i do. He wont share any feelings with me because he thinks im going to use it against him. when he says sorry I know he really means it and I do believe he feels guilty.. but he rarely apologizes because he thinks im going to mock him with it later. But I am not like that, I havent done that so i dont know why he thinks i will. It hurts so much that he thinks I would do something to hurt him on purpose. Ive never loved anyone more in my life, I would die for him without a second thought and when he is upset it kills me inside. I cant stand seeing him sad. But when I tell him that, he doesnt believe me. Sometimes I think he acts like hes afraid im going to leave him, from the way he talks, but I think Im the one that should be afraid. he keeps pushing me away and i dont understand why, im not going to hurt him.

Are there any suffering here from trust issues that can tell me what to do? When he's upset I cant make him feel better, he just hides away and it hurts me to see him switch from happy to so miserable, so fast. I dont want him to be so easily upsettable or miserable for the rest of his life. He stresses out so much im afraid hes going to have a stroke or something. and its really affecting my quality of life that he doesnt trust me after all this time when ive given him no reason to distrust me. is there anything i can do to help him?

*Note: Everything I say in this post is based on the assumption that your suspicion of his having BPD is correct. This way, I won't have to write "if he does have BPD" over and over again.

You're both probably right about the abandonment issue. He's likely afraid that you'll leave him. Usually, when someone with BPD fears that, we have a habit of leaving the other person first, to minimize our own pain. So both your fear and his are understandable.

As to how to begin to rectify this trust situation, that's a little more complicated. Since you mentioned that you suspect he has BPD, I'm assuming that he either doesn't suspect it or hasn't said anything? If I'm correct in that, it'll make things even more difficult.

Normally, I'd suggest something like couples therapy, but in this case, he probably needs more work on his own than the two of you together. BPD is well beyond the range of most marriage counselors! Has he had a psychiatric assessment before? If not, my suggestion would be to talk to his GP and see if a referral can be made. This is a difficult but worthwhile first step. It can not only help him come to terms accepting his issues, but it can also help pave the way to get into therapy programs like DBT or CBT much easier. It's amazing - when a client asks to be put on the list, we're on a 6 month waiting list. When a psychiatrist puts someone on a list, they're in within a month. Go figure...

I can imagine how difficult it is, from your perspective. I know how hard it is from his. He can see what he's putting you through, and yes, his feelings of guilt are genuine. For most of us, the last thing we want is to hurt those around us; we'd much rather implode on ourselves, and often, that's how we release the emotions. That's when we start pushing people away the hardest - we want them to be safely away from us when we explode.

I hope everything works out well, for both of you.

Thankyou very much for the advice. ive tried to suggest before that he may have issues, but it hurt his feelings and he thought i was attacking him. i think he knows something is wrong but he is scared to confirm it? i will keep trying to suggest therapy.

I dont plan on leaving him if he is sick but hes told me before that is what happens when one spouse gets sick, so maybe that is what hes afraid of, i dont know. I have a very hard time convincing him that im not going to run away just because something goes wrong or plans dont work out. id really like to know how to help him handle stress better, because he gets so worried about small things that he cant concentrate well on anything else. i wasnt kidding about him having a stroke, im really afraid he is headed for real health problems if he doesnt control his anger. and that really makes me sad myself because it seems there is nothing i can do to help him calm down or feel safe.

I think you've done [and are doing] everything you can to reassure him that you're fully trustworthy - and loving, supportive, and caring. He keeps rejecting the real for his insecurities and it's a struggle for him as well, as you know. You're going to have to trick him somehow into realizing he needs therapy. I don't know how you will do that but that's one approach. He will thank you in the end.

-----TW----

if he is bpd you can't
you are not a professional
all you can do is wait out the bad times
do NOT react to bad behaviour if you do you are and will be manipulated
it works great on bpd's
done it myself a lot
there's a chance the'll break with you and there's a chance they'll actualy respect you more
but as far as i know that's the only way to handle them
(other than professional help)

I dont know madjoe, i dont want to manipulate him. that would hurt him and give him real reasons to not trust me. or anyone else ever. i dont react to the outbursts anymore because he doesnt make sense when hes paranoid and doesnt accept facts as reality. i dont see a point in arguing with things that arent true. hes scared of things that seem real to him but they arent actually real, i dont know how to respond to that so i dont

he will manipulate you

i know what i know
sometimes i get there going tue all the steps and can trace it back
sometimes i skip the steps
than i'll have to figuer out how i got there
explain that to you
than try to figure out a way to make you believe that
than trying to figure out what the blocks are
ppl are a lot of work lol

i have some missing bits
mainly empahty and emotions
those 2 make that i'm differnd
i learned to overcome that by observing ppl
i've been doing that for as long as i can remember (something like 8 when i stated reading anthropology)
and copying behaviour
i became so good i can predict and influence behaviour

madjoe wrote:he will manipulate you

There's no reason to assume this. Unless you define "manipulation" very broadly as in wanting anything at all. Then everyone is manipulating others all the time.

Sorry madjoe I didn't understand your post.

But if deliberately ignoring him just to be dominant is going to make him leave me, why would I do that? If i need to show I'm a bigger control freak than someone to earn respect then I don't need respect. I think that's an unheatlhy way to act.