perspective, please

thursday is my birthday. i hate my birthday. all the emotions creep out on my birthday. f that day.

but something happened with my sister last night and i am not sure if i am in the wrong. basically, on friday, about ten of my friends are taking me to dinner to "celebrate". my sisters were invited. my one sister is married so her husband was invited, but other than that, no partners unless they are friends with me. not as a rule, just how it played out. more intimate this way as my friends and i don't see each other all the time now that we are older.

my sister has been dating this guy for about a month. i met him once and he was super drunk, called me the wrong name a bunch of times and acted as if i wasn't there. the entire time i was out, my sister had her back to me. it pissed me off at the time, but she is happy so i said i would give him another chance. she texted me last night to see if she could invite him to my dinner on friday night and i immediately saw red. she said it was "rude if she didn't ask him. he is her boyfriend." i explained that i do not now know him, it is mainly my friends. we went back and forth. i eventually disinvited her. naturally.

1) i felt like she didn't care it was my dinner. she needed him there. she knows how tough my birthday is. it hurt my feelings. 2) he was annoying/rude when i met him. for me to even think about giving someone a second chance is huge. but not friday. it will distract me. my sister will NEVER understand that. i can't promise my best behavior on that day and i am so mad at her for putting me in that position. 3) i could be jealous. my last relationship has spiraled out of control and is in its final stages of destruction. he will not be at my dinner. i bet he won't even text me (and my retaliation for that is already making me nervous). how come she gets to have someone? it isn't fair.

but at the same time, it is my day. it is literally the one day i should get to feel okay. but i can't and it sucks.

i see how this can be construed as completely childish. i am aware of that. and i do not want any additional stress and i care for my sister very much. i just am not sure how to handle this. either i will be hateful that he is there or feel guilty that she isn't. or i cancel the whole damn thing and really make a mess of it all.

For me i would have friends and family separate as you said this is "your day" and "your" friends have arranged this for you, this isnt about your sister or her boyfriend sorry..but in my opinion you have the right to have your day how you wish..that said..cant your family do a small dinner for you another day and let you have your day with your friends as originally arranged?

the day is about you, so it needs to be what you want not your sister

Edit: Happy birthday in advance in case i forget

pteque wrote:1) i felt like she didn't care it was my dinner. she needed him there. she knows how tough my birthday is. it hurt my feelings.

Did you clearly articulate this to her? Did you practically draw her a picture in crayon and make it very clear that this is how you feel, that whether it's rational or not, it hurt your feelings? Does she know that she "should know better" so to speak, or does all she know is "well my sister can bring her husband but I can't bring my boyfriend and now I'm not invited what the hell is happening?" If you haven't already, I suggest calmly and clearly explaining how you feel to her. Do it over text, social media, something, so that if you can't stay calm, you don't have to reply back right away to something she says and you can take your time to think.

This is your day, not hers. She's a little out of line.

pteque wrote:2) he was annoying/rude when i met him. for me to even think about giving someone a second chance is huge. but not friday. it will distract me. my sister will NEVER understand that. i can't promise my best behavior on that day and i am so mad at her for putting me in that position.

This doesn't seem unreasonable. I can see a case for letting him go anyway so that your sister will be there, but I can also understand not doing so. He made a terrible first impression.

What was the context of your first introduction to him? Was it a party? If it was, and everyone was drunk, I'd let it go. If it was, like, a family dinner or something and he came over trashed, then yeah, I wouldn't invite him either. If EVERYONE was drunk and acting like idiots then I think another chance is warranted. Just...not necessarily Friday.

I don't know if your opinion of him is fair or not because I don't know how and where you met.

pteque wrote:3) i could be jealous. my last relationship has spiraled out of control and is in its final stages of destruction. he will not be at my dinner. i bet he won't even text me (and my retaliation for that is already making me nervous). how come she gets to have someone? it isn't fair.

I can understand not wanting to feel triggered or lonely or something by his presence, but jealousy isn't something you should let get between you and your sister, as I'm sure you're well aware. If you do determine most of this comes out of jealousy, consider what is more important: that he is not there, or that your sister is.

You agreed to give him a second chance, that doesn't necessarily have to be on your birthday when you're having an intimate get together with family and close friends. That said, if you're trying to stay open to compromise I can suggest one. Have them over, or go out with your sister and her boyfriend (and even a friend of yours) before Friday and see if your opinion improves. If not, your sister will have to accept it.

Either way she has to accept that it's YOUR day, not hers. It's about you, by design, and not about her. My family has a little saying, "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to" (now that song is stuck in my head). It's your day, it's all about you, that's the whole point. You've only met your sister's boyfriend once. You presumably know your other sister's husband fairly well. If your sister pulls the "but she gets to bring her husband" card remind her that your sister's husband is not analogous to her boyfriend she's had for a few weeks, you know one, you barely know the other, and the whole point of Friday night is to be surrounded by people you know, love, and trust because it's a tough day for you.

If she cannot respect that then that's her problem.

thanks so much, guys and @ech, i believe i owe you a happy belated birthday?

you are truth, @jasmer.

i am having a hard time accepting that it is okay to want to spend the day with people i know and feel safe with. it makes me feel like a wicked b### telling her boyfriend no, but again, i do not know him. what i do know is hard how that day is and i would just love for a smooth, hopefully enjoyable birthday dinner.

i tried explaining how difficult that day is for me, but she is going to see this as hurtful regardless of what i say. thing is, she knows how bad it is, so it is very frustrating. she is hurt and while i can appreciate where she is coming from, i have to do what i feel is best. but that is tough because it makes me feel like a jerk.

i am happy to give her boyfriend another chance, i met him in a bar. it is perfectly acceptable to be drunk in a bar. i just struggle with giving people other chances. especially if i tried REALLY hard to be as nice as possible. it is not his fault at all, and i realize that. that is my issue. doesn't make things any easier.

i told her i would love for her to go, but that she does not have to. and i did not mean it any other way than that: i would be okay if she missed it. we spend so much time together and me not wanting her boyfriend there is my choice. i can do something else with her. she is adamant on going, though, and is going to try to make something work.

she stated that i was not happy for her and that was hard to hear. i know i am happy for her. i can't wait to hear about her dates, i get so excited for her calls after they are out together. i know that she was just trying to hurt me because SHE felt hurt. and that is okay. i cannot make her feel unhurt, but i can still do what i think is right.

just wish i didn't feel so bad about it.

pteque wrote:@ech, i believe i owe you a happy belated birthday?

Thank you

Hmm I could be way off here, but im getting the vibe that it's your gut instinct telling you that this guy is no good. First impressions last, and if he was rude/cold towards you then it's no wonder you don't have any time for him, and your sister should respect that. Your feelings are there for a reason, and are not invalid. No matter how much people will try to make you think they are.

I think this guy needs to win you over more before you'll be comfortable having him over on your birthday. If he was a wanker when you met him, who can blame you for thinking he will be a wanker again?

I feel like i see you going through the mixed up thought processes that i do once i feel guilty for standing my ground and listening to my gut. I say stick to your guns, don't grovel to your sister. I am getting the message from your post that if this guy had have been decent towards you, things would be a lot different. So your sister needs to not be so precious.

It's tough trusting ourselves, i know after i put my foot down about things i get flooded with mixed up emotions and so much self doubt and before i know it I am taking full blame and apologizing when i shouldn't be! Then my inner madness begins and I feel like I am losing myself, again. And then the reality that i was right all along comes back later on once i am made to endure more crap. All I needed to do was trust myself from the beginning and be confident with myself, and quit letting people guilt trip me because they are all about themselves.

Has your sister even acknowledge that this guy was rude towards you? How can you be happy for her when she is dating what appears to be a jerk?

Anyhoo, just my thoughts.

that is exactly the problem: i think the guy is no good.

so they only see each other once a week. granted he works nights, but he literally makes no other time for my sister but friday nights. his other night off is spent with his friends (and this is a man much older than us - in his mid-40s). my sister pretends like she doesn't care, but the way she makes excuses leads me to believe otherwise.

he is also possessive when they are out together. i watched him make her switch seats because a man was talking to her. then he started a little fight asking her why she doesn't introduce him to people as her boyfriend. sorry, but you don't get to be a possessive #### period. especially if you are only making time for this person once a week.

but here is the problem: i can't say a damn thing about it.

people assume i hate everyone just to do it. and granted, the last word i would use to describe myself would be angel, but the truth is, despite what a monster someone could be, if it comes from me, it will fall on deaf ears. she is waiting for me to hate him just so she can flip on me.

every single slightly stable relationship (romantic) i have been in, i have sabotaged. my last relationship is more ####ed than you can ever believe. noone is taking any romantic advise from me. in fact, if i were to tell someone that i didn't think their partner was good for them, they may marry that person on the spot. but just because i am not qualified to play cupid does not mean i can't read people like a ####ing book. you can't dispute that. and the fact that i read someone as not great for me but jump in head first is on me. and here nor there.

i explained to her that when i met him she had her back to me the entire night and he didn't pretend to acknowledge me. she said they were "blacked out". whatever. the point is, i am not a fan of this dude and i don't know how long i keep that cat in the bag.