I hate my family. (venting but possible triggers, not sure)

My mother and my older sister are the only immediate family I have left (not counting my two grown daughters).

I lost three grandparents between the years 2000 and 2006 then lost my step-mother and father in 2014 with in 70 days of each other.

Now I'm left with a 52 year old conspiracy believing, satanic music loving druggie sister and a 73 year old narcissistic hoarding mother. We all live in separate cities (too far apart to visit). We are all three borderline. I have been diagnosed but they do not seek psychological help. They make me so angry because they just don't care about anything. They bitch and whine and complain about everything. I say they are stupid and ignorant not because they just don't have information but because they don't care to learn or better themselves. I have spent the last eighteen years in therapy trying to get better.

I'm torn between my feelings of disgust with the way they both treated me as a child and they're contributions to my condition and wanting to be a better person and be helpful to them. Everytime I end up having to talk to them or spend time with them I feel like my head will explode. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just torturing myself by revisiting such a painful past.

I am sick, I fight with this disorder everyday. I am not strong enough to hold them up emotionally and they keep turning to me. Now when they say something really stupid, I just ignore it. There is absolutely no reason to explain science, logic or rationality to them, they don't want to hear it. I really feel it is time to break the connection but as a neglected, ignored child I'm not sure I can live with the guilt I will feel if I abandon them.

Thanks for being here.

Meli

Although I don't hate my mother, she refuses to seek therapy to whatever disorder she has because she definitely has one, and she is really manipulative with me. The situation is quite similar and I've been tempted to break contact a thousand times but then I get terrified about the guilt as well. And I also wonder if I am a bad person if I do, then I ditch the idea and next day on the phone she says something that triggers all my bad emotions, and I am angry and wanting to break contact again. I don't have an answer for you but I wanted to point out I know exactly what you feel and feel unable to find a solution as well. Anyway, you are not alone.

Set limits of some sort. While trying to be as kind and compassionate as possible, I refuse to be left alone with one individual in the family. Nor will I any more mince words...

Hi Meli Kuchelly,
I want to echo Angel here
You need to set some boundaries with them, that way they know what you will and will not stand for. ofc here we understand about the abandonment issues so you can feel comfort in knowing we understand your dilemma,

Of course you want to help them, but you cant be responsible for their actions/reactions thats up to them to control and sort out (but if they don't have the knowledge, tools from therapy) its going to be hard for them to understand "your boundaries" so its not going to be easy.

I do think its important for you though, so maybe speak with your therapist and ask "how" you enforce safe boundaries for yourself so that they know that your there for them and not abandoning them, but at the same time protecting yourself.

Thank you Shiloh_Wallace , angelinbluejeans and Echinacea for you kind words. It really helps more than you know.