Are you scared to have kids?

My lifelong (seriously, since I was about 6) dream has been to start my family young. I'm turning 21 in a few weeks, and my boyfriend and I fully intend on starting our future sooner rather than later (marriage and children.) I know this might seem a little too soon, but I'm pretty ready for it, and have been for about a year.

My fear, though, is that my child is going to grow up being invalidated. I'm scared I'm going to inadvertently invalidate, and s/he will grow up with BPD. Even without invalidation/BPD, I'm terrified that depression and anxiety will be passed down, as I know that it's possible to be passed down genetically. I don't want to not live out my dream because of these fears, but I also don't want to bring a child into the world just to have him/her be sad all the time and feel like an outsider. I guess that as a person with BPD, depression, and anxiety, I'd be the best mom for the job, but still my fear remains.

Does anyone else ever think this?

I never feared having my children no (unconditional love and all that) BUT...
For me, both my sons have ADHD One Dx and one just under the Dx

I would be lying if i said it wasnt hard But the one thing you must remember is "everyone is different" and you should chose for yourself and your partner, no one has a crystal ball,

You have probably seen/read a lot of posts on "parent blame" narc parents etc on the forum and yes in my childhood there was blame (for whatever reason)
over 40 years things has changed a bit ..people are more aware of their own behaviors and i feel that if you are self aware then you have every chance of becoming a great mother.

My mother wasnt aware 40+ years ago, but i was 20 years ago ..times change/knowledge changes

Understanding, knowledge = a great chance IMO
knowledge is more available than ever before so its a good thing right?

hope this helps

Never been in a situation where I ever had to consider having kids yet, but I neither plan to ever think about it. For me it's clear that I don't ever want kids. Having younger siblings I know how annoying babies can be. Crying for the first 2 years every night almost every hour and needing all your attention and energy. Besides I don't find it resonable to risk raising a child in our society today and it would make it even harder for me personally.

Earlier on in my therapy I started seeing a psychiatrist and I remember she told me having kids would be one of the biggest mistakes I could ever make.

God dammit she was right.

I love my daughter, but due to my general lack of empathy I didn't even develop that mother/daughter bond with her until she was like 3, which has probably irreparably damaged our relationship from the start. On top of that I tend to be a very critical person and expect more responsibility and maturity from her than is age appropriate, and I always have. I'm getting better about it, and can go longer stretches just letting it go, but I always "relapse" and become very irritable and kind of mean again for a while. I'm afraid that I've already set her up for some kind of personality disorder.

That said, knowing what it was like for me growing up, that I was very troubled and needed help (I don't know if my behavior qualifies as childhood conduct disorder but if not it was pretty close) and never got it, I won't repeat the same unforgivably stupid, negligent mistake my indisputably incompetent family made with me. If my daughter and I can't figure this out, we will go to therapy and she will get one on one therapy of her own and by damn I will resist the urge to pry or intrude.

Recently we thought about having more kids, or fostering or adopting. I thought long and hard about it, though, and have accepted that it's probably a terrible, terrible idea. I'm half afraid of just being a butthole to another kid like I can be with my daughter, and the other half I'm afraid of introducing a golden child/scapegoat dynamic because I wouldn't put it past me, despite the fact that I am violently critical of other parents who do it.

By all accounts I'm a good mother on the whole, and very high functioning despite my cluster B-ness, but I'm acutely aware of all my failures. I set out, like most parents do I suspect, to be the perfect mom. I promised my daughter the day she was born I would never make her cry. That inevitably backfired. I feel like I have failed spectacularly at motherhood and do not want to attempt it again now. Honestly I wish I had never had a child. I don't tell my husband that, I will never tell my daughter that, but it's true, I wish I'd never had a kid.

I'm legitimately afraid of a relationship with her that's like my relationship with my own mother. I don't like my mother. We aren't close, and we never have been. I have never trusted her enough to confide even the smallest things. I don't want that for my daughter, but I'm afraid that I'm pushing her right down that same road.

I'm not normally nearly this honest about my parenting. Usually I lie and paint myself up as some kind of Martha Stewart soccer mom or something who might occasionally raise my voice at my child. In reality I often second guess myself, my husband frequently has to remind me to back off and let something go, or that I've been getting on her too much lately, etc. I legitimately never should have had kids, and to be quite honest I don't think ANYONE with a PD should. NONE of us are qualified to be parents, we will probably only screw them up.

Before I had my daughter, no, I wasn't. But once I did have her, it was like a huge ton of bricks fell on my head. I felt utterly incompetent and was suffering from PPD on top of it all. I remember starting to worry that I would give her a PD too, like BPD. So I got support and had a child worker come over every week to teach me parenting skills, and also enrolled in personal therapy for myself.

I remember telling my therapist I was scared that I would pass BPD onto my daughter. She said, "if you don't invalidate her she won't" and taught me a lot of validation skills that I've been using more and more lately.

I felt hopeless, scared, fearful. Now I feel a lot more competent, and my therapist says it looks like I have a secure attachment to my daughter. So, it CAN be done.

I've been considering this a lot lately, and I am terrified of the idea of doing that to one of my children - passing down BPD or worse, unintentionally abusing them by the way that I invalidate them. I want a normal life with a wife and children, but if I do get married, I think it would be best to adopt if I ever do decide to have children with her. Even then, it's a scary thought; I realise that a lot of BPD symptoms make me inherently abusive towards the people I love. When growing up, my mother and father had a strained relationship, and almost always, my sister and I could feel the undertones of it. I never want my child to experience that.

Overall, yes, I am. I hope one day I'm okay enough to, but for now I think it would be best to wait for a long, long time and see if I can manage to get married first lol.

@Echinacea I think you're right. I think that even just having this awareness is probably a good sign that I won't let that happen, or at least that I'll recognize it if/when it happens. Thank you, that made me feel a lot better.

@Jasmer I'm really sorry you've dealt with all that. I guess my only hope is staying in therapy, and when I find out I'm pregnant, my DBT sessions will begin to be based completely around how not to invalidate, how to handle the pressure and stress, and how to be a good mother to the child the best way I can; mostly how not to replicate my mother's actions towards me. If there's one thing my therapist has taught me, it's that even while difficult sometimes, we have the power to choose our actions and fix them and even prevent some. I'm sure not a lot of moms or dads went through nine months of therapy solely based on how to be a good parent - maybe some have! But I think that's the only way I'll be able to do it. Even then, who knows. It's a scary, scary thought. The empathy aspect definitely terrifies me the most - I'm awful with that.

@NimplyDinply wow, seriously good on you for doing all of that. I can imagine most pwBPD would let it consume them. Really awesome of you to stop it before it got any worse, that takes a strong woman! Learning parenting skills and going to therapy will undoubtedly be key for me, I can already tell. I'm really glad you feel better now, hopefully I can feel that way someday!

@FellowinWhite I've considered adoption. The only thing for me is that I can hardly connect and attach myself to people as it is...I don't know if I would be able to love another child like it's my own unless I actually carried him/her for nine months and felt a deep connection. I'm glad you can recognize that you don't want your child to experience the traumatic and stressful things you did. I think you'll be just fine, and a great dad! And yes, definitely try taking on marriage first. I have to remind myself of the same. There's a lot more to come before kids.

I would have loved to have kids. My former neighbour's youngest girls sort of adopted me: they'd call me over to tuck them in, we'd play together (yes, tea parties and everything), I'd give the 7 year old rides to soccer practice on the motorcycle (she loved it; the 4 year old was just a *little* too small!) Heck, the girls even gave me a framed picture of them for my birthday, which I still have on my desk at work. Half of their friends thought I was their real father! (Their true father was a POS who, when he did live with them, spent as little time with his kids as possible.)

So no, it's not about having a fear of having kids. The problems is that I'm too much of an Avoidant. I don't have enough self-worth to find a girl and get married. Besides, I'm creeping up on 40; I'm too old to be starting a family. Fifteen years ago, sure. Eight years ago, maybe, but not now.

I will not be having kids. That issue is for me an open and shut case, and a flat out no. I wanted a child once, heck I love other people's. Kids are great, cute, funny, creative, some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths just amazes me or cracks me up. They are little piles of walking potential... Which brings me to my chose to never risk creating one. It's not so much the BPD. I have heard of enough great borderline mothers to think it's completely possible with the right support system.

My reasons have far more to do with my avoidant traits. As I mother I would risk being unable to fight the school system if needed, to stand up to judgemental bullies, defend a child against the opinions of my own family (many of which happen to conflict with my own) and in a worst case, protect a child against an abuser. Not saying I couldn't, just that it's unknown if I could or not. And I personally believe that to doom a person to 80 some years in a lifetime, faced with the result of a mother that couldn't and needed to have would be wrong and selfish. I grew up with a mother who would not or could not defend me against many of the things I mentioned and I can say based on that, it's just not worth the risk.

@Casper
Brought a tear ..thanks for that (i was doing so well today too) not a trigger tear just a "aww what a lovely thing they did for you"

my empathy in overdrive
Huge hugs and thanks for sharing that