not suicideal but tired of living - Triggering warning

I think I've finally figured that I've never really ever been as people state it 'suicidal', i do want to die and do put up with the bleak thoughts every single day and have done since gawd knows how long since i can remember. When I've been in those bad times and I've been carted to A&E ive still thought rationally though to most i'm thinking 'disorderly' beause i never act out like most people suicidal do and its not that i do it for attention, i would mostly, gladly not have the attention bu get frightened with police coming to my door if i don't do as they say so just get on with it. I know I'm diagnosed with BPD, i know I'm depressed and i'm not in denial what so ever, i'm not actually ashamed of it.

I've just got to a point now where I'm just tired of living, I'm burnt out, living with this disorder is just as much burden as living with a physical disorder that causes never ending pain. I've thought about taking something bad but ringing up A&E and taking a living will to tell them not to save me but i just don't want to die alone because no one freakin does. I've tried 10000s of therapies, meds, been in hospitals etc. somethings got to give. I don't wanna waste NHS money anymore or anyones time or my time.

I just don't wanna here anymore of 'whats triggered it, whats happened, think more positive, what about your kid, call a hotline, this is your familiar way of thinking and you need to change it' HOW!!!! i don't ask to think about death, i do everything possible to take my mind off it but some people, even if i did something and they saved me its just pro-longing my misery. I'm living because it would devastate the few people in my family and maybe some friends i have but why cant i just do something what i want for once is to just end my pain, its always about making people happy and even me living doesn't make em happy. I don't enjoy anything, never feel like I've ever fitted in, i just wanna go now, had enough! I should have that right. I've been trying to make this decision for gawd knows how many years of whether to carry on and always come to the same decision.

Just a thought anyway, right, wrong, whatever.

I hear ya. It's exhausting, having to fight so hard, day in and day out. We not only fight the world that's triggering us, we fight our own thoughts and emotions, and try as we might, we can't escape them. And no, "think more positively" isn't going to fix anything. It's not that we simply have a negative outlook on life. It's like telling someone who's in the hospital with a broken arm that they "need to try harder to feel better." It just doesn't work that way.

I'll tell you what's working for me and how I got there. Like you, I've been through more than a few therapies, including a 1 round pass of DBT. The problem was that it only had the skills component and, in hindsight, the people running it were letting the members run too freely. Being the only guy in the room, I had zero say and a lot of male bashing ensued ("all men suck...oh, not YOU"). Yeah, made me feel great. Went through a few psychologists, both before and after, and wound up in a full DBT program, with the skills and 1-on-1 therapy components. This time, I'm finding it's working wonders.

Point is, it could just be the people, not the processes, that you haven't found the right match with, yet. NHS is government money, so if you don't waste it (as you put it), someone else is gonna, and it's better that it get wasted on legitimate health care concerns than on more £500 a plate dinners!

Other things that I'm finding help are getting time in the gym (not only for physical reasons, but for mindfulness), and a forced social activity, in my case, joining a motorcycle club. Now, unless you were intending to do it already, I'm not suggesting that you get your M license, buy a bike, hook up with your local MC and prospect for them - that might be a tad extreme for most. What I am suggesting is that you find some social organization that has set dates/times to meet. It can be very helpful to get you out of a funk when you have those days where you really just don't want any human contact, but you know you have to go.

As I say, it is working for me. It's certainly not perfect, but it's a lot better than what I had before. Could be worth giving a try...

I get exactly what you're saying-- I have had such a hard time with these kinds of thoughts and feelings for this exact reason. It's a specific sort of wanting, it's "I'm so tired of being miserable at the hands of my brain that I just want to stop existing so it's all over," it's being run down and exhausted from all of the day in, day out ordeals. I know exactly what you're saying, and it gets to me, too. You're not alone.

When I was younger, I'd often think "I'd like to crawl into a hole and wait it out until this is all over," but things have escalated since then. I'm starting therapy soon so we'll see how things go... and I think Casper has done great advice. You can't force yourself to feel better, but you can at least immerse yourself in things that make you feel good. I hope you find something that suits you, and helps lift the funk, even a little bit.

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@climbmountains91
As you have said "youve had enough"
When this happens it can be a good /bad thing, To get to this stage of your life and say that things need to change or else A b C is going to happen. I know your at the end of your tether and its all piling up (ive been there last year too like many OP here) and its NOT fun i know.

But i believe that your instincts are kicking in to enable you to change it.

For me

1. I got out of the situation that was causing it
2. I fixed some of my health things that was adding extra stress to my already stressful thoughts.
3. Started swimming (evenings) not many people there so i feel i can concentrate on ME

Swimming for me is therapy (i have a disability) and causes a lot of muscle pain, so swimming is the only time i'm not in physical pain,

The mental pain is relieved by Swimming coz of the exercise and the endorphin's,
its the only time my mind is blank.

If you can find something that you enjoy (seriously) doesn't matter what it is it can help.
(i heard all the same stuff as you mentioned and it can sometimes seems condescending to me to)

For the first time in 3 years im actually starting to feel happiness again, but its a different happiness. this happiness is for myself (all my life i was happy for other people) pleasing others made me happy BUT i found that i can do both.

I do really hope you find it ...

Totally agree with Casper advice

It's all right to feel like this. When I feel suicidal, I accept the thoughts and say that it's all right. It's okay to feel super low.

I guess life will never be perfect. There will always be something missing.

trigger warning:
We have to put the effort to do stuff that makes us happy. i've grown some plants at the window sill. they havent solved all my life's problems but it feels good to watch the green leaves once in a while. now had i not put the effort to sow the seeds the plants wouldnt have grown.
And it was boring and seemed pointless at the time.

I've connected back with my old friends and we are on a watsapp group. Often i paint them black n think why did i reconnect. but there are times when there's a fun conversation. and it's just a virtual group, i dont have to meet them.

when i get the black n white thinking, i think that it's better to be with them than with the alternative of when i'm alone n end up with self-destructive acts n there have been plenty of those.

other things that help me are solving puzzles. makes me feel accomplished.
there's a youtube video by mark freeman on mental health and physical health. that helped me.
i hope things get better for you, for all of us.

I do things that make me feel not happy but i kind of enjoy, i go to the gym, i do blog/YouTube but i still feel tired of living. Everyday i wake up and i'm like 'seriously, your still breathing, just why!' I feel so trapped in this life, like a ball and chain and all i want is out!

I go to therapy 3 days a week, half ten til half 2 so its pretty intense but im tired of that its been a year and a half now and i see no progress, i have five months left i have to live away from my daughter for it and i've just got to the point where i'm bored and tired of it. People tell me to stick at it and i am but i see no progress, i have no motivation with it. I'm so tired of my situation, going back and fourth every week because my daughter lives with my folks and i travel down every weekend to see her and cause my folks work.

I'm tired of trying to deal with my daughters dad/ex partners death that happened December just gone, with flashbacks, dreams, feeling i can't live without him and wanting to be with him and blaming myself etc.. I just keep crying. I just wanna pack up and escape sometimes where no one will find me.

I'm tired of living wit this horrific disorder, the constant paranoia, never been able to make a relationship work and wanting to end it all if i haven't got a man in my life or if they break up with me and its the end of the freakin world. No one will ever want me or date me.

My parents suffocate me, everything's there way or the high way. Non of my family or friends are supportive.

I just feel constant chronic emptiness all the time but its also painful at the same time, like physical pain, worse than childbirth.

I'm sometimes so deluded in my thoughts and paranoid, if i could go to a country where theyed just give me a legal needle and assist me on suicide i would in a heartbeat. The constant argueing in my head 'should i do it today', today should i starve myself, should i binge etc.. i'm tired. JUST STOP!!!!!

I understand.
It just never ever stops.
Practicing mindfulness helps, living "in the moment", distracting yourself.