Job stress

I work for an arts agency playing music at various mental health facilities, been doing this since 1999. One of the places I go to (I go to 5 every week) is a facility for developmentally disabled adults, who, though non-verbal, seem to enjoy what I play for them - they clap, make eye contact, dance in the chairs, etc. The staff, however, is horrible. There are 5 of them - 5 women one guy. They don't say hello when I come in even though one of them has to open the door for me. They don't even offer a casual "how are you?" when I come in; if I ask, they won't reply. Today, they were talking and laughing so loudly when I was playing, I could barely hear myself. I was trained to sing for theater, and play a very good, loud acoustic guitar so I can push some volume. I'm no match for 5 people though. I decided to play my loudest, most abrasive stuff, and stop singing so I wouldn't strain my voice, I also called my contact person to let him know about the issues with the staff.

When I called my contact guy, I started out animated but calm, then kinda escalated into - I'm not sure what you call it. Not unhinged, exactly, but fairly borderline-y wig-out territory, although I remained coherent throughout.

The other issue is that I find this kind of behavior (on the part of the staff) upsetting and hurtful. It's supposed to be fun, not some stupid power-struggle over who can be the most obnoxious. It's also unnecessary for people to be nasty - I'm borderline and I say hello back when someone speaks to me.

They're probably just jealous of you. I saw this a lot when I was working as a caregiver in a memory care facility. Basically we caregivers were the "bad cops" most of the time. We were the ones who were going to have to force a resident into the shower while they screamed in rage and terror and acted like we were assaulting them. Day in and day out. Then entertainers came in and were the "good guys" who got to do the fun work and be loved by all the residents. I always just felt it was part of my less than glamorous job and was okay with it, but some of my coworkers had pretty obvious bitterness issues when we had visitors like that. Try not to take it personally and just focus on those residents, you're likely one of the very few highlights left in their lives.

Thanks for the kind words and the reality check.

mostlyghostly wrote:some of my coworkers had pretty obvious bitterness issues when we had visitors like that. Try not to take it personally and just focus on those residents, you're likely one of the very few highlights left in their lives.

I try to keep this in mind and usually do. However, when I'm triggered like I was yesterday (loud voices, oddly enough, can register physically with me like punches or pushes) I can lose sight of this. I dealt with a lot of exclusion and bullying as a kid, from my family and where I went to school. It's mostly taken care of, I thought, and while I can't say this just rolls off my back, I'm usually over it in a hour or so after I leave.

mostlyghostly wrote:Basically we caregivers were the "bad cops" most of the time. We were the ones who were going to have to force a resident into the shower while they screamed in rage and terror and acted like we were assaulting them. Day in and day out.

I see the work caregivers do, and have great admiration for the compassion and physical energy you need to do it. I could not do that kind of work for a day, let alone years at a time. What happens in ideal situations is I talk to the staff, and try to make some time in my workshops for things they might like. They can make requests for me to bring in recorded music or for me to play certain songs and we all have a good time. I do not have it in me these days to extend myself that way, but make sure I'm accessible and polite, so that if someone wants to approach me with a request or whatever, they know they can. There are some class and appearance issues at work as well here, which make it even more difficult to bridge any gaps in communication.

I work in an assisted living facility. The staff all get along great, and we get along with family and visitors and know all the regulars on a first name basis and vice versa. We're held to a pretty high standard, we're one of the silver award recipients in our state, which most facilities don't have. Only 44 out of roughly 300 facilities in my state have it.

The staff, however, is horrible. There are 5 of them - 5 women one guy. They don't say hello when I come in even though one of them has to open the door for me. They don't even offer a casual "how are you?" when I come in; if I ask, they won't reply. Today, they were talking and laughing so loudly when I was playing, I could barely hear myself. I was trained to sing for theater, and play a very good, loud acoustic guitar so I can push some volume. I'm no match for 5 people though. I decided to play my loudest, most abrasive stuff, and stop singing so I wouldn't strain my voice, I also called my contact person to let him know about the issues with the staff.

You're right, that is pretty horrible. We would get in huge trouble if we consistently failed to greet visitors, even regulars, let alone anyone we don't know or recognize. Part of our job is to be warm and inviting, so if somebody is regularly overly shy and aloof from guests our boss will talk to them about it. The problem at the facility in question is not necessarily the staff, but rather the management. Have you complained to the administrator? If the administrator was, for instance, out that day and didn't see the behavior they might want to know. While the cat's away the mice will play, so the saying goes.

I've heard stories about other facilities (and it's always the ones without the silver or gold awards) where staff are rude and inconsiderate. Some of our residents came from those facilities precisely because we don't tolerate that kind of BS in ours.

When I called my contact guy, I started out animated but calm, then kinda escalated into - I'm not sure what you call it. Not unhinged, exactly, but fairly borderline-y wig-out territory, although I remained coherent throughout.

Honestly I don't blame you. Staff was unpardonably rude. We still go about our business despite entertainers, or bible study, or family members who read to the residents, but we try to be respectful and quiet so as not to be disruptive, and we will also redirect disruptive residents so the other residents can enjoy entertainment in peace. If they're being so loud and obnoxious that they drown YOU out then honestly it isn't unreasonable to be angry.

The other issue is that I find this kind of behavior (on the part of the staff) upsetting and hurtful. It's supposed to be fun, not some stupid power-struggle over who can be the most obnoxious. It's also unnecessary for people to be nasty - I'm borderline and I say hello back when someone speaks to me.

The problem is the staff. You probably can't win with them. File a complaint with the administrator and your employer, that's really all you can do. From there it's up to you whether or not you can tolerate rude staff to entertain the residents or if they need to find somebody else to fill that slot.

some of my coworkers had pretty obvious bitterness issues when we had visitors like that.

People like that don't last long at our facility, they get fired. Then they go to other facilities that don't get state awards and complain about what a terrible, neglectful, abusive place we are .

Try not to take it personally and just focus on those residents, you're likely one of the very few highlights left in their lives.

Can't agree with this more. Most of our residents don't have regular visitors from their own loved ones. Family of OTHER residents will visit with them when they're there, but their own family and friends either stopped coming in a long time ago or never did to begin with. Dementia can be very ugly, especially at first when you don't understand why your intelligent, gregarious, patient, loving father who has always been there for you is suddenly claiming you owe him $20,000 for taking care of your family while you were away in the gulf war, being cruel to his wife, and destroying his relationship with at least one of his children for no rational reason.

People unfortunately often find it difficult to truly comprehend these issues, these changes in personality, stem from a degenerative brain disease slowly destroying their ability to use logic and reason, and eventually their motor function and then vital organs as well. These people often become paranoid, afraid, irrational, and even psychotic. Of the family members who DO understand, many of them simply cannot cope with it and want to remember their vibrant, funny, energetic, selfless mother, not the completely incontinent, gibbering, wheelchair-bound husk she is now, and no longer recognizes her own children.

Most of these people literally have nothing and nobody left. One woman has a granddaughter who visits once or twice a year. Another woman's son comes in to pay her rent 4 months in advance and his checks bounce because he drains her bank accounts and spends all her money before the checks finish processing. She doesn't recognize him and ignores him, and that also visibly distresses him.

It's up to you. The facility will find somebody else to fill that time slot if you don't want to do it anymore. But I do want to mention that you are there to entertain the residents, not the staff, so just ignore the staff. If they are rude again don't hesitate to ask them to keep it down a little. If they continue to be a problem complain to the administrator. If it's a larger chain/franchised facility, complain even higher.

Jasmer wrote:The staff all get along great, and we get along with family and visitors and know all the regulars on a first name basis and vice versa.

I've done one-offs in these places. The vibe is completely different. All the residents, except for the ones who are really far gone, are more chilled out, act out less, happier, or maybe it just seems that way because the staff create such a caring, light-hearted atmosphere. Whatever it is, the difference is immediately palpable.

Jasmer wrote:We still go about our business despite entertainers, or bible study, or family members who read to the residents, but we try to be respectful and quiet so as not to be disruptive, and we will also redirect disruptive residents so the other residents can enjoy entertainment in peace. If they're being so loud and obnoxious that they drown YOU out then honestly it isn't unreasonable to be angry.

This is what's supposed to happen - you work in a good spot. Staff is also encouraged to participate. It's rare that they do, they usually chat among themselves. I've tried to correct this a few times, with mixed results. People either try to take over, or they get bored and annoyed and find some way to get out of the room. Occasionally. I get people who are really into it. Most of the time, I let staff sit out unless someone seems to be having a seizure or bleeding or is visibly ill.

Jasmer wrote: the family members who DO understand, many of them simply cannot cope with it and want to remember their vibrant, funny, energetic, selfless mother, not the completely incontinent, gibbering, wheelchair-bound husk she is now, and no longer recognizes her own children.

Slightly off topic, but related - I was one of those people who couldn't watch their parents deteriorate, but am grateful that my brothers were there for them - they were happy, loved, cared for at home. When I go to work, I think of my parents, and remind myself that if I live as long as they did (92 and 96) I'll be in a facility some day, and hope that the people I'm around will be patient and compassionate.

littlerbear wrote:If they continue to be a problem complain to the administrator. If it's a larger chain/franchised facility, complain even higher.

They're an expanding organization that I've worked for, through the agency, for 2 years. Some staff is very cool - others are like the people I dealt with last night. I have to remind myself of this - that the first gig I did with them had good staff for the most part, but they were also supervised by the guy whose idea it was to bring me in in the first place. Anyway, before I let myself feel to persecuted (so tempting with the BPD) I have to remember people complimenting me on my playing, singing, etc. It's not all dreadful. And - best of all, with these folks who aren't verbal - their eyes light up when I show up. Very sweet.

A larger issue is doing this work for 15 years and being burned out, and possibly, putting up with more BS than I should have. Thought: if for whatever reason I decide to keep doing this work, I can find my own joints, set some boundaries, etc.

Jasmer wrote:People like that don't last long at our facility, they get fired.

That's good. The facility I was at was pretty awful in several ways, and one of those ways was severe understaffing, which lead to high/fast burnout and caregiver turnover was just terrible. And then the way they deal with that was basically a culture where you pretty much had to kill someone to get fired. Very toxic place.

mostlyghostly wrote: And then the way they deal with that was basically a culture where you pretty much had to kill someone to get fired. Very toxic place.

This, unfortunately seems to be the way a lot of places are run. I've worked in some good ones, though too. The goal now is to hang on as long as I can - there are big funding cuts coming in July, then decide what's next.