Do I have BPD?

As long as I can remember, I have always felt I cannot trust myself. I have these racing thoughts and visualize myself severely hurting other people, especially if someone does something to bother me.

I feel on the edge of something terrible happening most of the time.

One night I was out with an ex who said he had enough of my unpredictable moods, because I switch from being overly nice to really annoyed a lot. We were at his friends house, he kept talking about his ex, on the way back in the car, he told me to go home, I felt he was ignoring my feelings, and I started physically attacking him, this strength came over me, and I was not going to back down, I saw him as a threatening enemy.

This happened with my mom too, she was making fun of me, and I lost it, this rage overcame me. When I was a young teenager I had a few rages that I don't remember that my sister told me about.

I usually feel completely empty, bored, and have anxiety mixed with it.

I engaged in unprotected sex with my ex, it made my anxiety worse, but I felt drawn to taking the risk, because I hated myself and I felt I deserved to worry. If I need to go to a class and be in a close environment with people, to feel less paranoid and anxious about coming across really strangely- excessive self consciousness. I have got into the habit of having a small amount of alcohol before, to balance my thoughts and give me a fake confidence.

I think people are great when I first meet them and feel lucky to be around them, to then becoming easily irritated by them. I can easily switch between hating someone and liking them.

I go from thinking I am better than other people and people are jealous of me or not good enough to be my friend to thinking I the worst person and no wonder I have no friends.

I sabotage most opportunites, and just quit. I never stand up for myself with people that I feel disrespect me, just have a seething anger for them, that I carry around and vow to never forget.

I fail to plan anything. I feel safest in my room where I can hide away and pretend it is the harsh world that is wrong, not me and my extremely sensitive mood.

I have no relationships apart from barely with my family, who easily offend me. I was with my ex for years and was extremely jealous and paranoid of his motives, felt he would leave me as soon as someone better came along. He wants nothing to do with me, and in a way I can't really blame him, I don't feel stable or okay most of the time, I don't know what to do. If I keep going this way I am going to live a lonely miserable life.

What do you think? Please be kind. Thank you

Hello.
I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and many of the examples you've given certainly sound like that's what it could be, but the only people who can accurately diagnose you are medical professionals -- doctors, or therapists, etc.

I would highly recommend going to see someone about it, if not for any reason besides the fact that dealing with your own mind when it feels like it's against you, sucks.
Looks like we've both come to the right place, though. This forum seems like a good one.

Good luck and be safe.

Hey. A lot of what you are describing does ring true with feelings experienced with BPD. For me, I always felt like I was different and that I wasn't right and could not seem to deal with everyday situations in a way that most people seemed to. I think the best thing for you to do is go and speak with your GP and just be completely honest, I know that sounds very daunting. But hopefully they will put you in touch with your local CMHT who will assess you. If you do have a diagnosis, it can help you understand some of your behaviour and feelings and where it may come from. Understanding why you feel the way you do can be a really positive tool when learning to live with a condition.

I hope this helps,

Kate