I'm all alone

Hello everyone,

I've been reading this forum about a week or so, especially the ''You know you're borderline, when...'' (just couldn't stop cause it's kind of good feeling to know that you are not the only one in the world the way you are, in reality never felt like that, and of course it is so absolutely funny). But to read and get through everything was not enough for me. I needed to get some response from anybody, well not exactly anybody, but preferably from someone who experiences something similar cause in reality I have no one to talk to. Literally no one. No one knows my condition, no one acknowledges, no one cares. I have no friends. I cut everyone out, distanced myself (cause they did not know the truly me, I felt like an alien, misunderstood, invalidated, betrayed, offended, etc.) or they left me (because of my anger outbursts). No matter how strange it would be for someone who presents oneself as ''borderline'', I have never had a boyfriend, though I have had a tremendous heartbreak which has changed me forever. I think I will never be able to fall in love again (no matter how it has always been easy for me to fall for somebody). I have never experienced what it's like to have someone who loves you. That kind of breaks my heart to think of occasionally. I do not expect that to happen. It so unrealistically. There are more chances for me to win the lottery. I cry often times. Hysterically. I have no job. Cannot support myself. Do not know what to do. I have always been suicidal though never attempted. Often think of it. Well, that's about enough for this time.
I am not a native English speaker. Hope to make it clear as possible.

Hi, sorry you feel that way, I know how it feels. I hope you feel better.

Except I've never been in a relationship and probably never will because I'm not attractive enough and don't have any redeeming qualities.

noname2346 wrote:Except I've never been in a relationship and probably never will because I'm not attractive enough and don't have any redeeming qualities.

Well I think we are all attractive in our own way . It may sound vague. But I truly believe this is how it is. Regarding myself, I kind of ''beautiful'' (though I think sometimes I'm incredibly ugly) as most of people would consider me to be so, I get some attention, but that just mean nothing, really nothing. Well, I have also had some eating issues, I am a little underweight, close to normal, but trying keep it that way. If I wouldn't take any sports, I think I would starve myself to death (once I seriously tried to do that )

noname2346 wrote:Hi, sorry you feel that way, I know how it feels. I hope you feel better.

thank you for your support, but really the strange thing is that somehow usually support statements kind of bumps into my bubble
(I'm living in a bubble in my own world, being a stalker hurt so badly, I was rejected so harshly so many times by the people I was so infatuated with, that I totally gave up doing that to the extent I avoid people, making new acquaintances, I even get stressed when someone starts to say 'hi' to me when seeing me regularly, that freaks me out , and I hope for that person not to start any conversations, most people, consequently, think I'm rude, too proud of myself, etc. , when the fact is that I fear them,I fear their rejection, and of course, I do not feel to have anything in common with them)
and goes away or it makes me feel furious, I do not mean Your post, since I believe You've felt it and You sincerely hope. But when a therapist or some ''normal'' says that to me (''I know how you feel, hope you feel better''), I wanna stab him/her, cause they can't even imagine the bit of it.

I'm not really surprised, expressions of support don't seem to do much for me either. But I just wanted to let you know that I related to your post even though my situation is a bit different. I have BDD related avoidant traits but I do get infatuated with people which has always resulted in rejection, and I'm pretty much isolated socially. So I do know what loneliness is like and its caused me a lot of anguish.

noname2346 wrote:Except I've never been in a relationship and probably never will because I'm not attractive enough and don't have any redeeming qualities.

I've found that this is rarely true. Everyone is attractive, everyone has redeeming qualities.

Hello.
I may have a boyfriend (who barely understands this disorder), but I don't have friends. When I was 14 I actually cut out all my friends, because "in four years we'll all be moving to different cities for post-secondary anyway". I thought it was best to cut all ties to prevent myself from being "abandoned" down the line. lol.. Ever since then I've never really gone out of my way to make friends, because I see them all as eventually leaving me.

I tend to act a role when meeting new people. I never really allow myself to get close, but I try and act happy. I try to pull out a "normal" persona. Most people I've met, and even communicated with semi-regularly, would never guess I even had bpd. After awhile I typically bring it up and they're shocked by it. I have some excellent acting skills.

noname2346 wrote:I'm not really surprised, expressions of support don't seem to do much for me either. But I just wanted to let you know that I related to your post even though my situation is a bit different. I have BDD related avoidant traits but I do get infatuated with people which has always resulted in rejection, and I'm pretty much isolated socially. So I do know what loneliness is like and its caused me a lot of anguish.

Well, it's kind of paradox for me, loneliness causes much pain, but being among other people results in anguish

-- Wed Mar 30, 2016 12:22 pm --

Breytt wrote:Hello.
I may have a boyfriend (who barely understands this disorder), but I don't have friends. When I was 14 I actually cut out all my friends, because "in four years we'll all be moving to different cities for post-secondary anyway". I thought it was best to cut all ties to prevent myself from being "abandoned" down the line. lol.. Ever since then I've never really gone out of my way to make friends, because I see them all as eventually leaving me.

I tend to act a role when meeting new people. I never really allow myself to get close, but I try and act happy. I try to pull out a "normal" persona. Most people I've met, and even communicated with semi-regularly, would never guess I even had bpd. After awhile I typically bring it up and they're shocked by it. I have some excellent acting skills.

Well, sorry that you're bf does not understand. It may be hard for you. It would be hard for me to image having romantic relationships with someone who does not understand it.

I also take acting. But it doesn't take long for me to bring it up, especially when the communication is regular. Usually I am very confused to choose a persona I would be. Most of the times, I try to be so overly kind and positive Until I explode

Hey, don't know if this will help, but you're not alone being alone, lol.
I did have (2) relationships however but aside from my recent relationship (which is over now) i've only had a few internet friendships in years and that's about it. It gets lonely sometimes, but at the same time, I feel nobody would understand, or I would end up hurting them anyway.
I don't have a job and don't go to school either, haven't done much of either in 4 years. I feel pathetic.

I don't know if you would be comfortable with it, but maybe a book club or art classes, something like that could help? You'd get minimal contact unless you let people too close, and learn things in the process. It could build your self-esteem and might prevent some of the negative effects of social isolation. I find if I have NO ONE to talk to i can get close to an almost psychosis-like state, which is pretty bad.