Abuse by non-BPD *sorry long post*

I've tried searching for the answers for this but whenever I do I always find answers for when people with BPD are abusive. I suffer from BPD and I feel my non-BPD partner is abusing me.
We've been on and off for a year. I got diagnosed with BPD last September so at the start of our relationship I didn't know anything about it, I just had my diagnosis of depression. Im not the best with my mental health, I'm a lot better at managing my emotions but I'm not the best at it.
There's been some things that's happened which I'm confused about, it's easier if I just list them
1. Whenever we argue I always bite my tongue and I don't say much since if I say a lot then I'll probably say something I'll regret. However my boyfriend will patronise me when I cry, will say he doesn't give a $#%^ about my emotions, says how I've made his mental health worse and will point out my flaws time and time again. He would apologise afterwards and would say he overstepped the line but it happens every time we argue. He also says that he doesn't mean those things but he says them so much. The thing that normally sets the arguments off tend to be if I say I want to leave the relationship for whatever reason or if I tell him I feel down and/or suicidal and I'm just reaching out to him.
2. I have tried to commit suicide a few times during this relationship. He's never been the reason behind any attempt and I've told him countless times. The first time he was there for me in hospital but he broke up with me after I left hospital because it got too much which I can understand. We were actually engaged at that point and he broke the engagement off and said I pressured him into it, although now he says I didn't but he made it clear at that time I pressured him and it made me feel guilty. He's refused to see me in hospital sometimes when I've attempted and he's left me again in that situation. But every time he has left me, apart from the first one, he said he's all my fault and that I ###$ up, which makes me feel even worse.
3. He makes me uncomfortable and winds me up a lot. He makes me physically uncomfortable sometimes, he's demisexual which means he's asexual but since he loves me then he feels comfortable having sex with me. Because of my hypersexuality he enjoys turning me on and touching me then leaving me alone cause apparently it's 'cute' when I'm sexually frustrated. It happens every time we hang out. He winds me up too by just being annoying to the point where I have to firmly tell him to stop and I'll get angry and upset. Again he'll just laugh and think it's funny but he does it so I'm on the verge of snapping at him or shouting. It's like he makes fun of my symptoms.
4. He doesn't respect my boundaries. I don't mind him seeing friends etc but it makes me a bit uncomfortable sometimes if I'm not in the right mood, and I can get jealous. I've never told him what to do. I've told him that I'd rather he doesn't tell me about his social life, unless I ask, since for me it's better to not know so then I can't get paranoid etc. He will tell me what he does and whenever I point it out he just tells me that it's hard sticking to that boundary, but it's happened so much. Also I've told him to not tell my mum when I'm suicidal, unless I've told him an exact plan. He's done that a few times which makes my home situation worse so I feel I can't tell him when I feel suicidal anymore. I want to point out that most of the time I feel suicidal I don't carry it out, hence why I feel like my mum doesn't need to know all the time.
5. If he cancels plans/lets me down/break promises he gets angry at me for being upset and then he will start to say that I shouldn't be with him etc. But whenever I try to leave he persuades me to stay and he's sweet.
6. He doesn't live in my city, he goes to university here so every now and again he'll go back to his original city. I'd say when he goes back there's a high chance he'll break up with me or he'll argue about something. Most of the time it's his friends influence. So whenever he goes back I always get paranoid and he gets angry and says that I should trust him. That's the only thing I can't trust him on.
7. He says I overreact to everything. One time we had a future plan of moving abroad and we spoke about it so much and we had it all planned out. He then texts me saying that he doesn't want to do that anymore, that his life is here where he is now. He then got angry when I got upset since he was cancelling our future plans.
I don't know if this is abuse or if it's me. He's said before in arguments that he wouldn't care if I killed myself. He actually said that in our last argument and he never took it back or said sorry afterwards.
Most of the time he's so sweet and we have a good time. I came out as trans a few weeks ago and he said he would still love me and date me no matter what gender I am. He tries to see me whenever he's free but he's quick to change his mood and quick to say what he really thinks about me. He's blamed his poor grades and mental health problems on me before but he's taken them back. Last night he made me upset by saying he loves me an 'average' amount. I got upset cause the day before that he refused to say 'I love you' back to me when I said it. I lightly tapped the side of his face with my fingertips and said that's what you get for that, in a playful way. He then said I apparently slapped him and gave me the cold shoulder. I freaked out and got angry at myself cause I thought I did slap him and I told him I had to go cause I didn't want to hurt him anymore. He then said that it wasn't my fault and he did it for 'drama', so he must of known I would act like that and get that upset/angry at myself. He apologised and kept saying I did nothing wrong but it felt like he was messing with my BPD, he knew what to do in order for me to react like that. I think that was the final straw and I'm worried it's abuse. He knows that most of the time I won't leave him cause of my attachment issues and I do love him but it feels like abuse.

It sounds a bit toxic and he's pushing your buttons but it sounds like you're using the threat of leaving him to try to control his behaviour instead of actually arguing with him. So, communication problem there.

How he interacts with you sexually is a bit controlling and maybe makes you incompatible if he's a tease and you can't seduce him. It probably turns him on in some way to play domination games but the bottom line is that it's abusive if you really don't like it and he keeps doing it.

I won't go through your other points about him just now if that's alright. I do think that he sounds like a jerk if that helps.

You mentioned that "Most of the time he's so sweet and we have a good time." However, even then, you immediately went on to point out more issues that the two of you are having. Based on what you've said here, I'd suggest questioning the relationship. While I understand the attachment issues, it sounds like you are encountering quite a few negatives in this relationship, things which I personally don't feel that you should have to endure.

Chances are, if it feels like abuse, then it probably is.

Casper wrote:Chances are, if it feels like abuse, then it probably is.

And I concede. take my (one but last) relationship as a good example, I definitely learnt a lesson. it can be hard to set apart the negative feelings aroused by BPD and genuine red flags, but I've come to find that 8/10 times, your feelings are valid and true to suspicion. take caution. stay safe.

I can't say for sure of course, because I'm not a mental health professional, but it could be possible he has bpd as well. Bpd's tend to attract other bpds hardcore. Also, he's trying to project his crazy onto you so you wind up blaming yourself for his abuse. Don't take it. Gdluck! xxx