feeling tired of life

One of my friends recently stopped talking to me because I said something pretty bad. I was scared of losing him because when I had reached out to him initially, I was in a very depressed place. I wanted to die. He was one of the reasons I was looking forward to anything at all. We flirted a bit on fb, it was just something fun and lighthearted, but it made me happy. I was looking forward to seeing him in person (we haven't seen each other in years since we go to different schools). Now I will never see him or talk to him.

I thought about what he said...he said I should "grow out of this cycle" as if I was just not trying hard enough to "get better" because I was too prideful...I don't think that's true. It's hard to know what I think because I am trying so hard to be someone for someone. If I had given in to what he wanted from that friendship, I would still have him in my life. Was it worth asserting myself? I don't think so, because I am back to feeling sad and feeling like dying.

I am honestly tired of all of this. I remember wanting things from life at one point, thinking that it was at least possible, that things at least mattered. I miss this friendship so much because for some reason, it mattered a lot to me while nothing has mattered so much to me in a year.

I get scared when people seem to be abandoning...specially dreading what I have to go back to. For him to say it's just something to "grow out of" - that really enraged me. In that moment it's hard to think, I am basically like I will be whatever you want me to be, and at the same time a part of me is angry that I am doing that. And I also know that causes a sort of power imbalance in the relationship and I will never mean as much to him as he would to me.

I am so sick and tired of going through this all time, hoping to latch on to another good reason to live. Then losing it. Then doing that again. Sometimes I am tired of wanting to live. It's definitely a cycle...but not one I see myself getting out of.

It's not going to look to them like you care much about the friendship when you do that though. They're going to feel like there's an imbalance in the relationship and that there's real pressure on them to keep you happy. They will see the ulterior motive when you're trying to be what you think that they want you to be and feel abused when you push them away.

Do you actually care that much about this person or is it a cycle and a pattern where you just go through one friend after another because you don't want to be alone? How does it really matter more to you than it does to him? How do you know that he's not in love with you? Maybe he's more reluctant to get involved with people than you are but genuinely likes you as a person and still wants to be your friend even though he doesn't generally need them?

NoM8s wrote:It's not going to look to them like you care much about the friendship when you do that though. They're going to feel like there's an imbalance in the relationship and that there's real pressure on them to keep you happy. They will see the ulterior motive when you're trying to be what you think that they want you to be and feel abused when you push them away.

Do you actually care that much about this person or is it a cycle and a pattern where you just go through one friend after another because you don't want to be alone? How does it really matter more to you than it does to him? How do you know that he's not in love with you? Maybe he's more reluctant to get involved with people than you are but genuinely likes you as a person and still wants to be your friend even though he doesn't generally need them?

Well, I was bringing it up because I understand that it's unfair, but sometimes I can't help it. For example, this time it came out of the blue. I know he is just a person, I can't expect him to fix me and that's a lot to ask...but reacting this way is a habit ("we weigh the risk and rewards of a decision...until it becomes a habit") , and it's really invalidating to tell someone that she should "grow out of it..." Even if I was aware of why and how of it, I can't just get rid of it. It can be acutely distressing in the moment and I will do anything to save the relationship. But at the same a part of me is like, no you have to assert yourself.

Well, he has blocked me and we will never talk again. I just find myself giving up because it's all pointless.

Yeah, it was an insensitive thing to say and probably said out of frustration or exasperation. It's not for him to try to fix you and you shouldn't expect that from him. People have a right to say how they feel and voice an opinion but telling you that you have to stop doing something is kind of an ultimatum if it's just about the way that you treat him. Maybe you asked for his support but it's not really any of his concern how you treat other people unless they're also people that he cares about and even then he's butting in.

Your friends should accept you for who you are and it's up to them if they still want to be friends with you if it's difficult sometimes. It's just that if you're in a bad mood and say that you want them to leave you alone they will. That's really the only way that they can deal with you. They will wait for you to calm down and for you to be in a better mood. If you want to be assertive tell them that you just get like that sometimes and to just give you space when you do. I know that it goes against your instincts but people have to understand that it's not their job to fix you when you get out of order with them.

I get very frustrated when my sister and her husband say to me that I can train myself out of it and that BPD is simply another label for a learned way of behaviour....all I ever can do is keep trying to work my way out of this, I can't get out of it!! It infuriates me when people don't get the seriousness of the mental illness, as if anyone would choose to live like this!
Perhaps the other person could have been more sensitive- rather thoughtless thing to say like telling someone suicidal to snap out of it.....
The only relief from feeling the unbearable ness is to try and remember the feeling will pass.
I hope things turn out for you. Apparently BPD is eventually grown out of in time with age so lets hope and pray.....

@NoM8s, well he made his decision.

@Doobie: yeah I don't know, I have been feeling this way for a long time, and I know that sometimes in the moment it's impossible for me to even think. And to be repeatedly rejected for something like that or that I am just not "trying" hard enough...

I had a friend say something similar to me. He told me to just kick myself in the #$$ and get over it. I tried to explain to him that it doesn't work like that, but he just kept saying he disagrees. He's been very distant since then. For some reason I'm not that upset about it. However, when I lost my psychiatrist, I became suicidal. I still haven't gotten over that. Not because I need the meds or anything, I just genuinely miss him for no valid reason. I keep finding characteristics of him in other men I see. I too am just tired of life. It's so hard and feels like it just drags on and on with no bright future. Very exhausting.

You can maybe learn from experience a bit. I've got a fear of rejection and it makes me have reservations about getting too involved. How many people do you have to idealise before you realise that it's just the honeymoon phase and that they are being on their best behaviour and trying to be what you want them to be as well? The last time I dated someone like you I knew that it was unlikely to work out so I just kept telling her that we would see how it goes. That's sensible when you really aren't in a stable relationship and you could be dumped at any time for no apparent reason. So, even though all that I was saying was that it was early days and that I wasn't sure about her because she basically wasn't sure about me, I guess that it triggered her fear of abandonment even though I was telling her that I really liked her and wasn't dumping her when she was the one that kept breaking it off.

Is that a serious relationship? No, it's casual and no strings with some drama to spice it up. It's someone that isn't actually emotionally available that doesn't love me and hardly even knows me. All that she's figured out is how to manipulate me to get what she wants when she wants it and how to keep me at a safe distance. But I've played this game before and I just take it for what it is. It's someone riding an emotional rollercoaster that wants to be with me one minute and doesn't the next. It's not me that keeps changing my mind. Apparently that makes me boring and not really boyfriend material. Fair enough. You expect too much from a proper boyfriend anyway.

I am sorry you had to go through that, and you are right, that's too much to expect from someone.
But it sounds to me like both of you were too afraid of rejection to try to trust each other, so it ended before it even started.

Also, I don't think you can compare this to what I went through because that was just a friendship. We didn't like each other or want a relationship or anything like that...
And, tbh, I don't really want a relationship unless I trust the person very much.

He wasn't a trustworthy person (maybe things could have been different if we had talked in person instead of just online? idk) and I don't regret not trusting him. I know it's not fair to put someone through the push and pull and that I do regret.

take a break have a coma