Were you self-aware before your diagnosis?

I told a therapist that I think I have BPD. The therapist told me that since I think I have BPD, that proves that I don't have it. After that she refused to consider that I had it. She also noted how I almost never have emotional outbursts or get into fights with people.

I felt that my therapist was not making sense and that maybe she was just going off of stereotypes. Would you agree or disagree with her views, for those of you have been diagnosed? Were you able to figure out that you had BPD or something like it, before being diagnosed? And is it possible to have BPD without emotional outbursts?

Just seems to me like not everyone will express intense emotion in the same ways. Some people might turn things inwards or keep things bottled up. Plus I think that I spend much of the time dissociated and numb, and then when my emotions do come, they come like an avalanche.

She also pointed out how I haven't made a suicide attempt in several years. I just thought that was terrible on her part, to use something like progress as a way of saying there was no problem. I felt like she was just stereotyping. But maybe I am wrong.

But if this is how therapists think, then I don't want to tell my new therapist I have this year about my theory. I guess I should wait and see if she comes to the conclusion on her own. I mean if it's like if I say it, then that proves it isn't true. But doesn't that sound dumb?

At the same time, though, I don't want to cling to the thought if I am wrong. There would be the risk that I am accidentally downplaying BPD, if BPD really does mean being suicidal or having emotional outbursts, I would not want to make light of it. You know like how some people will say they are sooo depressed without actually understanding what depression really is, when they are just having a bad week. I don't want to accidentally be like that.

Has anyone been diagnosed who is also like me, as far as being numb and bottled up most of the time, and was also self-aware before being told?

Yeah, I knew I had BPD months before I was even diagnosed with it. My psychiatrist is forever telling me how it seems impossible for me to have BPD given how self aware I am, but it's definitely possible, I think some Pw/BPD are just more aware than others and I'm luckily one of those people.

Sometimes I'm aware when I'm doing things, sometimes I'm not. but either way, I'll sooner or later come to realise and understand (whether it's minutes, hours, days, after)

Smiggles wrote:Yeah, I knew I had BPD months before I was even diagnosed with it. My psychiatrist is forever telling me how it seems impossible for me to have BPD given how self aware I am, but it's definitely possible, I think some Pw/BPD are just more aware than others and I'm luckily one of those people.

Sometimes I'm aware when I'm doing things, sometimes I'm not. but either way, I'll sooner or later come to realise and understand (whether it's minutes, hours, days, after)

Thank you for your reply. I believe I experience it similarly. When I am having an emotional attack, it is very hard for me to think straight, especially when it is anxiety, and my anxiety automatically makes me angry if other people are around, I feel threatened.

But later I can almost always see what happened. And when I read descriptions of BPD, I identify with so much of it.

I do not understand where the notion comes from that people with BPD can't be self-aware? That doesn't seem to be written anywhere for the diagnostic information.

What I read about NPD often suggests that the person can't be self-aware because of their denial of their true self. So maybe some professionals have confused BPD and NPD?

A lot of us lack awareness for some reason, though I don't think it plays a part in the dx process.

Perhaps, professionals do make mistakes here and there

It seems I've always been aware that there were things "different" or even "not right" about me or how I related to people or my environments.

I just wasn't aware how much I denied it to myself.

Starvin_Marvin wrote:It seems I've always been aware that there were things "different" or even "not right" about me or how I related to people or my environments.

I just wasn't aware how much I denied it to myself.

Was there something that helped you to realize it eventually?

I used to believe that most people were just awful and unhinged, until I had enough years in adulthood under my belt to realize the common denominator. It took me having enough experiences, though, before I started to really realize that just maybe some of those people had been alright, and maybe I had been the unhinged one.

I do think some of them were awful, though, legitimately. I think that is part of what makes it hard. Sometimes someone really terrible, and you're not just "splitting" them. But sometimes not. Trying to figure out how to tell the difference is something I am still stuck on.

Oh, really? that's interesting, because I always thought my idiosyncrasies were 'normal'

Through experience, both good and bad, I had come to prove myself wrong, ergo... identification.

mostlyghostly wrote:
Was there something that helped you to realize it eventually?

Yes. My last trip to jail. It cost me my marriage, the love of my life and my stepson, my job, my home, my freedom of movement as I have a gps on my ankle and now another criminal offense to besmirch my family name. Boy, what I would give to have that day to do over again.

I got my diagnosis (unofficial) while incarcerated. Everyone I have told about it has said it makes sense...even my wife. Now I have a treatment plan under way and maybe some of the damage I have done can be repaired. My wife is open to trying "us" again in time, but we have a long road ahead.

EDIT: I was in counseling for what I thought were my problems before I got in trouble this last time but turned out to be symptoms of the BPD (mood swings, temper dyscontrol, alcohol abuse and trust issues).

Starvin_Marvin wrote:

mostlyghostly wrote:
Was there something that helped you to realize it eventually?

Yes. My last trip to jail. It cost me my marriage, the love of my life and my stepson, my job, my home, my freedom of movement as I have a gps on my ankle and now another criminal offense to besmirch my family name. Boy, what I would give to have that day to do over again.

I got my diagnosis (unofficial) while incarcerated. Everyone I have told about it has said it makes sense...even my wife. Now I have a treatment plan under way and maybe some of the damage I have done can be repaired. My wife is open to trying "us" again in time, but we have a long road ahead.

EDIT: I was in counseling for what I thought were my problems before I got in trouble this last time but turned out to be symptoms of the BPD (mood swings, temper dyscontrol, alcohol abuse and trust issues).

Damn that sounds like one rough wake up call. I am glad others recognized what you have, though.

I believe I was diagnosed at the age of 11 or 12. I don't really know because my parents didn't tell me until they thought I could handle it.. How ironic lol. I definitely knew something was very different about me when I had a heated conversation with my mom at a very young age screaming at her about how I just wanted to be normal. Her reply was that I'm not normal and I can't be. Truly a wake up call for a 10 year old, but I was too young to be able to discover and research what BPD is on my own.