*I'm growing tired TW*

I'll be 27 this year, and to be perfectly honest, I've got not a single regret. I did all I could to make the best of my situation, but it seems like my entire life has been the same sh1t on a different day. I'm headed for 30, and I guess I've become one of those that is adamant they don't want to see another 30 come after that.

I used to enjoy that bicycle, but I did it so much I hurt my hands. Besides, I'm tired of bicycling it everywhere, and driving is boring. I had my permit, never got my license. I just don't care. Everything I need is in a reasonable distance, and they've invented buses long before I was born.

I'm tired of being expected to be peoples emotional support, when there's never been anyone there to help me. Then they get mad and try to start sh1t, only to have it backfire, because they know they have always been more dependant on me than I was on them. Even when I was young, my mother's only leverage was my step dad and the use of the system to control and abuse me further. Now? I guess I just let that sh1t be the past.

Don't mind all the "I"s, as the isolation I had since I was a child, locked in my room day in and day out, kind of has left me selfabsorbed. I was the blacksheep, and other than when I could escape what even friends I snuck in that house called "a prison cell", has kind of left me a little selfabsorbed. I certainly don't want to be, but if there's no one else to look out for me, who else is there? I try not to be.

Don't get me wrong, I am that kind stranger who does random acts of kindness for people almost daily when I can. I do it because I enjoy it, I love to see people smile. Sure, I like to see mean people suffer, but don't we all?

It just seems like the only reason I exist at this point, is to feed a system that's unjust and immoral even. I have no importance to nobody's life, I won't be missed. No, I'm not going to kill myself, I'm just saying.

I used to want to be a father, but at 27 I think I'm much too old to start. I've lived my whole life in poverty, and the instability is something I won't subject children to. And is this a world I really want to pass on? Maybe I'll adopt or foster a child sometime down the line when we stop labelling single men who want to adopt as creepy....

I'm growing tired. It's getting harder and harder to do the things required of me. I don't want to pay bills nor do any of these adult things, who does? I like working, but I hate working with people (yeah, how's that supposed to work?). I don't really hate people like I sometimes say that I do, I just don't do well with spending huge amounts of time incessantly around them. It just gets to me after a while.

I don't know what to say. I don't know who to say it to, or how it would even be said? It just seems harder and harder to ignore the futility of life.

I've tried to reconcile with family, in hopes it would give me newfound meaning in my life. No, instead it just irritated the ###$ out of me, and reminded me as to why I went my own way and moved a couple of counties away. That seemed far at the time, far enough to make life better.

Thanks if you've read this all the way through. It's just ramblings, I needed to vent. Don't really need emotional support, at least I don't think, as what is that supposed to do? I get that people care, but it just annoys me for some reason I don't understand why, when people come to you with a world that's all puppies and cupcakes, when you both know that's not how the world actually is. Does anyone ever get cheered up by that, ever?

Puppies are too irritating and high maintenance and cupcakes are too sweet.

What are your goals in life mush?

i'm 26 and exhausted. i see everyone at my office cheer up, have meals together n have fun. i have to force myself to wear a smile.

i've grown a plant in the house. i grew it from seeds. it doenst cheer me up as such but watering it daily help and watching a new green leaf on it, once a week makes me feel good. at least for some time.

Well I read the whole thing . I can relate to the "same $#%^ different day" for the last 10 and 1/2 years but for different reasons. Poverty wasn't the challenge I had to face, for me it's been poor health.

Noca wrote:i've grown a plant in the house. i grew it from seeds. it doenst cheer me up as such but watering it daily help and watching a new green leaf on it, once a week makes me feel good. at least for some time.

That sounds nice. But if you grow a cannabis plant it'll definitely cheer you up.

Shaved wrote:Puppies are too irritating and high maintenance and cupcakes are too sweet.

What are your goals in life mush?

I actually like both cupcakes and puppies, and thought about getting a puppy when I get out of the current apartment. I guess that'd be about my only goal at present, other than getting off disaability and getting a job I'd actually like and not quit within a year. That or miraculously learn to at least not get irritable just from being around people like I do.

jaus tail wrote:i'm 26 and exhausted. i see everyone at my office cheer up, have meals together n have fun. i have to force myself to wear a smile.

i've grown a plant in the house. i grew it from seeds. it doenst cheer me up as such but watering it daily help and watching a new green leaf on it, once a week makes me feel good. at least for some time.

You have the strength to do what I will hope I get. Though wear a smile? If I feel happy, I'm too darned lazy for that pretending crap. Instead, I tend to be the one at the office picking meaningless arguements over politics, doing everything he can to combat boredom.

Shaved wrote:That sounds nice. But if you grow a cannabis plant it'll definitely cheer you up.

Shaved, you win.

corgis wrote:Shaved, you win.

I most definitely agree. It puts you in a space where there is no thoughts, positive nor negative, unless you want to think and get the right stuff.

Well, the solution to that? obviously Sour D.

Smiggles wrote:Well, the solution to that? obviously Sour D.

I'm feeling better today, plus I tend to like being in control too much to want to put substances in my body.