*TW* Being a "toxic" person

Trigger Warning again: I write about things that may be quite distressing to read. So make sure you are okay first, if you choose to do so.

I think a lot of us - specially if have a mental illness, are afraid of being "toxic" to people in our lives. It makes us feel unloved, unwanted, might as well not even exist.

I know that being around someone who cannot see your needs is a bad relationship. Yeah, no one should have to deal with something like that. But it's not okay to perpetuate this kind of prejudice...
I believe I have been "toxic" to other people in that I ignored what they wanted because my needs were more important. This is not an excuse, but I want to mention: I think it's natural to care about your needs first, in most cases. I mention this because I am sick of being ashamed of it. Oh, and the best part, to fake-love myself into believing that I am not. Then my body tries to tell me otherwise, I ignore my own pain.
But I DON'T think that "oh, they just don't want to take responsibility for their $#%^" is an okay way to sum it up. I feel absolutely awful, I feel like I could even go insane, when I don't want to lose someone. I don't, in that moment, have the luxury of saying, "oh it's fine, you can leave now since you don't like me." The luxury of caring about others that people who aren't hurting, get. Just to be clear: I am not saying you should stay with the toxic person. But that doesn't mean we should have to deal with societal BS and extreme shame because of this $#%^. We shouldn't have to feel like we are better off dead. Already we have to deal with little to NO good relationships in life. And even the ones we have, we are insecure about. It's hell.
Often the way people talk about "toxic people" is like "oh, they are so bad for me so I don't give a $#%^ about them anymore." In all honesty, sometimes its fair to hate the person. I understand that one of my friends hates me, and he should. But that doesn't mean I don't have the right to get upset over it. That I don't have the right to get upset over losing people, relationships, love, hell I have even lost my self. Because I think people often try to use morality to deal with it: "but you did something wrong!" I know okay? I just want to cry, I just want a chance to heal, to be healthy, to actually make use of this amazing opportunity that is life.

Great topic, Katy. I've thought about this a lot and have been in a position like this before. Well, I'm still in said position, but only because I know the person has good intentions, my mind just tells me otherwise and I have a difficult time understanding that... so he finds it hard to deal with.

Chance to heal is so important Katy, same as Corgis i also was toxic/in toxic relationship/s and its hell your right, but for me i am working really hard to change that...though having the tools and not the situation/s i had before makes it difficult to test what i have learnt over the last 12 months.

But on a "positive note" i do feel a lot calmer in my daily life ...

Hey Katy9591,

It took me a long time to find the courage to reply to your post. 'Cause I had tears in my eyes everytime I read it. My ex's considered me as ''toxic'' and my parents are fed up with my BPD. And i'm pretty sure, my friends are only there for me 'cause they think that if they leave me, I'll have no one, and I'll probably swallow a bottle of sleeping pills again.

I have to control everything. When it's not working the way I want, I can be very mean to the people I care about the most. I never realized what I’m doing until it’s too late, and then I'm stuck with guilt.

Because I fear abandonment, I instinctively don't trust anyone. My mind is always on alert and over protecting me. I pick at every detail or every word until I find a reason to worry. People don’t want to work for my trust when it’s nearly impossible to gain. I push people away, and then I wonder why they leave. So, each time, they leave. And in the end, I know it’s my own fault.

There are days when I can’t look in the mirror because I’am too disgusted by what I see.

This is a lifelong battle, but I’m prepared to fight. I will never be cured of BPD, but I believe my disorder does not own me. This is my life, and I know it can be beautiful.

Ella, you are just wonderful.

I'm toxic...been told so on several occasions and I have to agree.

@Ella
You Brilliant lady, self refection has started
Once we see what we did/do to others then we can heal/fix/learn for ourselves...

tears of joy is what i have atm and i am so proud of you,
You have the will to fight look at how far you have come since your post

Huge ((((hug))))

jabberwocky wrote:I'm toxic...been told so on several occasions and I have to agree.

Hey jabber
You know me and the way i think right ?

Do you feel that you are ready to change that yet or do you feel that you are always been this way and that you cant change?

The reason i say this is because many people feel that when they are in a negative situation "there is no way out" but there is jabber, i did it ..and you can too.

But if the answer is you don't want to change that's when its difficult,
Look at things you can change (if you want) things atm that are really bothering you

If you do want to change then there is help and support

Echinacea wrote:

jabberwocky wrote:I'm toxic...been told so on several occasions and I have to agree.

Hey jabber
You know me and the way i think right ?

Do you feel that you are ready to change that yet or do you feel that you are always been this way and that you cant change?

The reason i say this is because many people feel that when they are in a negative situation "there is no way out" but there is jabber, i did it ..and you can too.

But if the answer is you don't want to change that's when its difficult,
Look at things you can change (if you want) things atm that are really bothering you

If you do want to change then there is help and support

I never found my way in this world. Never found a place or people where I fit in. I am a chameleon and can blend in about anywhere, but it never lasts. I always end up hurting those I care about, to the point that they have to remove themselves from my life. This happened again recently, with someone I care for a great deal and I am devastated. I'm thinking of becoming a hermit so I have no human contact. :/ It hurts too much to keep losing those I care about.

I'm pretty sure I was BPD at birth and didn't develop it due to the abuse I suffered. I DO think I developed my AsPD traits from the abuse though. To be perfectly honest, I think the AsPD traits are what are fukking me up the most, right now. The selfishness, manipulation and lack of concern for most others, etc. That and my borderline sense of entitlement.

I am trying so hard to better, to be a good person, but it seems like it's 1 step forward and 2 back with everything I do. It's discouraging and at times, heartbreaking. The mood swings don't help either; I go from wanting to be the good guy that everyone wants to see, to the bad guy I have always been and back again. I try to beat the bad thoughts back and behave like I should, but it is not as easy as it sounds. I've been this way for 52 years and I don't know how long it will take to get better...if I ever do.

jabberwocky wrote:I never found my way in this world. Never found a place or people where I fit in. I am a chameleon and can blend in about anywhere, but it never lasts. I always end up hurting those I care about, to the point that they have to remove themselves from my life. This happened again recently, with someone I care for a great deal and I am devastated. I'm thinking of becoming a hermit so I have no human contact. :/ It hurts too much to keep losing those I care about.

I'm pretty sure I was BPD at birth and didn't develop it due to the abuse I suffered. I DO think I developed my AsPD traits from the abuse though. To be perfectly honest, I think the AsPD traits are what are fukking me up the most, right now. The selfishness, manipulation and lack of concern for most others, etc. That and my borderline sense of entitlement.

I am trying so hard to better, to be a good person, but it seems like it's 1 step forward and 2 back with everything I do. It's discouraging and at times, heartbreaking. The mood swings don't help either; I go from wanting to be the good guy that everyone wants to see, to the bad guy I have always been and back again. I try to beat the bad thoughts back and behave like I should, but it is not as easy as it sounds. I've been this way for 52 years and I don't know how long it will take to get better...if I ever do.

I understood ever word you wrote and i do understand the struggles, hell i even understand the "wanting to please others" but struggling to hold it, and i really feel that there is a situation your going through atm that you could change, try not to become "isolated" this isnt good for you it will just add to the spiral

If the situation is home (move) if its friends (talk to them) We cant change our past but we can change our reaction...you know this.

mine only happened late last year remember, so remove your self from the situation thats causing it, but if its a mix of a lot of things ..change one then be comfortable with that decision then go to next, i know its fuking tedious i really do, ive struggled my whole life too with a lot of things

Just dont go into yourself its not healthy , and i know you know that

I can definitely be toxic, but it's never my intention to be. sometimes it is, but that's only when someone's done a generous amount of damage to me personally. they get it in return. 100x worse.