in need of advice/reassurance

warning:this features minor mentions of sexual activities

Hi. My partner and I are in need of some advice. A few years ago, when they were 14-15, they cybered (sex through text messages) with someone whose age they weren't sure of (they assumed that the person was of similar age). Yesterday, my partner found out that this person was just 10-11 years old at the time of the event. They have BPD and as a result they are very very worried about hurting others, or causing anybody any harm. They are wondering and stressing that this happening makes them a bad person, and is wondering if they are inherently bad from doing such a thing with a minor (my partner was a minor themselves at the time, but an older one at 14-15, while the other person was 10-11). I have been trying to reassure them that they are not a bad person, and that they never had bad intentions, but they need reassurance from other people other than me. If anyone could offer any advice, or reassurance, it would help us both immensely. My partner has been panicking about this almost constantly since finding out. Thank you for reading.

She was unaware of the person's actual age. If she had known, would she still have done it?

She didn't do anything wrong and it sounds like a genuine mistake, although I can't help wondering whether there's a bit of OCD going on here? Anxiety disorders are pretty common with people with BPD. Surprisingly, POCD (pedophile themed OCD) is really common and obsessions are often a result of mishaps like the one your partner had. The OCD forum here is full of people who are terrified they might be pedophiles because of some incident that happened at some point in their lives. The thing is, that these people 100% aren't pedos and it's really easy for mistakes to happen online. The question is, does she find kids attractive and would she have knowingly done this (as Contro asked), if not, then she's OK.

I'm not saying your partner has POCD, but it might be comforting to her to know that other people are worried about stuff like this too! It's also worth knowing that seeking reassurance is a really common compulsion.

Contro wrote:She was unaware of the person's actual age. If she had known, would she still have done it?

I'm with Contro. she wasn't aware of the person's real age, but a good question to ask... ^

I echo the other comments
Its very hard to know for sure peoples age online so we have to "take their word for it" i dont believe that she did anything wrong par sa, but if you can ask her as contro said, would she have done it if she had known? if her answer is "of course not" then i think she should forgive herself.

After all i think shes learnt a lesson from this already

hope this helps

Thank you all so much for your responses. Indeed, my partner does have OCD, I just wasn't sure what forum to put this in! They would absolutely not do anything like that with knowing the age. Knowing there are so many others that have this same issue makes them feel a lot calmer about the issue. Thank you all so much!!!

Is she getting treatment for the OCD? POCD is the worst and I've had that myself and it was by far the most distressing form it has ever taken. Perhaps she could use the OCD forum here for some support?