Am I overreacting? Boyfriend situation?

Hello everyone, hope it's okay to post this here (yes, I read the forum rules haha).

I have severe abandonment issues/trust issues. Most nights I dream of him and 100% of these dreams are of him cheating openly and saying he never loved me. We have been together for 5 months.

So I've been feeling a storm of emotions tonight. Last night, I asked my boyfriend about his past romances. We were just talking and I was curious so I asked. Well, he told me his most recent ex's name and showed me pictures (I asked what she looked like) that she had on Facebook. So they're still friends on Facebook, no biggie. So, he told me a while back that he cheated on his ex-girlfriend for his last girlfriend, which is this girl. Apparently him and the first girl were always fighting anyways and he felt so guilty that after a week or two, he came clean to both of them. He kept dating the girl for a few months but he had to leave to Australia so they broke it off. There seemed to be some inconsistencies to his story but I was scared to press the issue because he kept going 'why are you getting so obsessed with my ex's?!' even though all I did was ask about them once.

So anyways, I was on the bus today when I decided to check her out. There's a feature on Facebook where you type in two people's names and it shows you their interactions (tagging, posting on their walls, etc.). They haven't spoken since a few years ago except for his birthday last month. She just wrote the generic "happy birthday " but he replies with "Thank you " and again, "Thank you :$"

Today I used the emoticon ':$' on him and asked if it meant blushing. He said 'Yes', plainly and simply. It just really upset me that he would send that to her, when for everyone else he just says 'Thank you '. He hasn't even used it on me. I've never seen him use it.

I'm terrible at controlling/hiding my emotions so I gave him the cold shoulder when he messaged me today and I didn't want to go over there and see him tonight like I promised. I feel like I should tell him this bothers me but am sure it may push him away.

Should I tell him? Is what he said something I have a right to be upset about?

I mean, I don't think you need a "right" to feel anything. You just do, and don't beat yourself over it...

I know what it feels like, and I don't think you are overthinking it. I would say talk to him about it, and if your feelings tell you there's something wrong, listen to it. Definitely don't ignore what you think and feel.

Hi there, SD. I'd definitely discuss this with your partner if it's causing such great upset, I'm sure he will understand. chances are, you're just reading into things and there's nothing else to it.

Hi SameDream,

Dreams can and will unnerve you, and ofc your having all these other stuff going on "trust issues" etc..so ofc this will add to your unsettled dreams.

Facebook at its best...yet again people forced into spying on their loved ones

I don't believe its in your best interests to tell your boyfriend that your have "spied" on facebook, deliberately "searched" keywords "him and her"

This will cause more harm than good, you are spying after he "trusted you" with showing you his passed girlfriends, he shared his infidelities with you and now your spying, it will come to more spying more trust issues more arguments...sorry but ive seen this before with a friend of mine, she was checking facebook,his phone, following him to work etc..
remember once he knows it cant be unsaid ...be careful

The blushing emote could be Innocent.
try not to read to much into it ...you have been together only 5 months, you barely know each other. concentrate on the future not his past.

Question though...are you in contact with any of your ex's that you text or say hi to ?

Facebook is literally an enemy to those with psychiatric disorders. it's the breeder of bullies and brings on all kinds of negativity. I personally use it to share my thoughts and opinions on serious topics (while sharing other cute/funny/random content) and the amount of people that try to prove me wrong... you can't escape from the drama, honestly. I've used FB to 'stalk' people I'm suspicious of too, I think a lot of us can get like that sometimes.

corgis wrote:Facebook is literally an enemy to those with psychiatric disorders. it's the breeder of bullies and brings on all kinds of negativity. I personally use it to share my thoughts and opinions on serious topics (while sharing other cute/funny/random content) and the amount of people that try to prove me wrong... you can't escape from the drama, honestly. I've used FB to 'stalk' people I'm suspicious of too, I think a lot of us can get like that sometimes.

I know its a breeding ground - thats why i am against using it.
I agree "people with psychiatric disorders" have the addiction to it and thats what i hate about it Corgis, its not the people that use it that i hate its the Social media its self, if it wasn't there people would be so much better i have heard the positives about FB like the advertising, groups and so on...but the platform is being abused for breeding bullies,stalkers,loss of a job coz of a pic is utterly ridiculous and i do hope one day FB is shut down - then we can stop the "need" to control

Echinacea wrote:.but the platform is being abused for breeding bullies,stalkers,loss of a job coz of a pic is utterly ridiculous[/i] and i do hope one day FB is shut down - then we can stop the "need" to control

Agree...

To samedream - if it bothers you so much and cant let go, then bring it up but...i agree with Echinacea that its gonna come off as spying. A smilie really doesnt mean much, and it doesnt sound like he did anything wrong. Don't give him the cold shoulder for that, its not really worth it.

The dreams even tho disturbing are just that, dreams. I think there is a fine line between sabotaging a rship out of insecurity and valid concerns...and its also different for every couple. it boils down to whether you trust your bf or not, and its a risk youre gonna have to take if you want your rship to grow.

Im-pure wrote:it boils down to whether you trust your bf or not, and its a risk youre gonna have to take if you want your rship to grow.

I agree! trust is a key feature that's more or less required in order to maintain a healthy & steady relationship, it's honestly easier said than done, but rebuilding the lost trust could do a lot to help.

Just wanted to point out that I think we as someone with bpd often dislike or deny our feeling we think they betray us. I don't think it has to be that way though. Yes there might be some stuff that is distorting things but I would never trust someone blindly. If it seems sketchy, there might be something to it. Basically, be reasonable about it...if you are having difficulty trusting him try to understand what it is you feel don't ignore it. Also I see people saying "it sounds like spying" I don't remember exactly what you did but you only looked at an exchange on his wall between him and his ex right? It doesn't sound like spying to me it's there for everyone to see and it's just one of hundreds of the generic happy birthday posts he received anyway. It's not like you picked up his phone and started going through his personal messages. Now if he feels uncomfortable with you reading that though then you shouldn't. Don't be too hard on yourself over it though.

^ You're right, there's often a lot of distortion. I'm sure OP will appreciate your input, you made some good points. I think sometimes BPD can play mind games, I got closure from my ex partner yesterday and all the weight has been lifted, I don't get weird vibes from him anymore. sometimes we just need approval and confirmation to be at peace, but it doesn't always come that easy...

Hopefully OP is able to find an easy way out of this, it's not a nice place to be, feeling insecure while in a relationship. it really puts you down, especially when you're reluctant to reach out for that confirmation you so desperately need. I'm happy I was able to, everything seems okay now and if it wasn't half the problem, I don't know what. I can only hope that SD is able to pull through too.