Going through divorce with bpd/alcoholic husband...advice pl

So last year I finally reached the end of my rope with my husband and filed for divorce. He is a severe functioning alcoholic and has not been clinically diagnosed with bpd but I've been with him long enough to know that he identifies with 90% of the traits and some covert narc traits as well. The issue is that now we are going through the divorce process and of course he's convinced himself and others that I played a part in the demise of our failure as a couple. I'm not perfect but I have never done anything to constitute a divorce, it has been him all these years...the alcoholic binging, the anger, vindication, emotional and sexual email and text messages with ex and other women, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I let him have his way most of the time but when I try to stand up for myself he then tells people that I talk to him mean and treat him bad. He has his mother convinced that I'm just telling "sob stories", when the reality is that he minimizes his wrongs and maximizes mine. We have two children together and when he's present and nothing is wrong in the universe he's a great dad but when something triggers his anger or depression/drinking he disappears and goes into a whirlwind, blames everything and whoever else (mainly me) on his behavior. Tells people that I only tell my side of the story and when he finally tells his then they understand him and paints me to be the ugly person, when the truth his he tells stories to fit his emotions and twists the truth because his perception is distorted. He doesn't understand that I have been living in fear for most of our relationship, fear of his anger, fear of setting him off and it has caused me to lose myself and and lessen my demands for equality and respect, just to keep peace and keep our family together.

Yesterday he asked me if I was going to be asking for more than $300 per month (aside from childcare) as we had discussed over a year ago when initially invited the idea of a separation. I told him that I didn't have a figure but yes, it would be more than $300. I told him that figure was me speaking out of fear and was far less than what was needed to take care of 2 children. He replied saying that he will need more info from me including information on my house. I was appalled! I bought a house (solely) last April when we had already physically separated. In NY it is still considered marital property so ha is entitled to half, my lawyer says that judges don't necessarily grant the spouse half, they judge based on different criteria. Here I am, trying to be nice and not take him for the full 25% like the NY law dictates-if I did he would be paying about $2k per month, he works for the city and make good money. God only knows why this man still even has a job with the amount of work that he's missed. He's been to inpatient rehab twice and I assume he may have finally only recently started seeing a therapist (probably to make it look good on his part for the courts).
I just feel like no matter how nice I am or sell myself short to please this man he's so angry, spiteful, vindictive and twisted. I'm not worried about him getting custody but that won't happen with this drinking/drugging history, I'm just concerned with dealing with him going forward and how this whole child support and house distribution will work. He's going to have more reason to be depressed and drink and then blame it on child support and or me/divorce.

Any advice, anyone? Please!

Hi Dimndaruf,
Sorry to read about your situation
Im not sure about what "advice" i can offer but what i will say is that its hard when you have a husband with all these issues and 2 children as well to cope with, you have done so well up to now...But you knew when to call it a day. he has to get help for himself "though you have supported him all this time" he has to do this if he wants to get better, to me he seems that his in "denial" blames you for all and thats normal when they dont see it, only when he sees and admits this to himself "then he can be helped" Traits mix with Narc is a toughy ..i had this too its not easy, the devaluation is bad enough but to have Narc traits too is a nightmare and i can empathize with you

my Narc relationship ended 1 year ago next month and i am healing nicely, so you will get through this to, try and give 100% to your children (btw do you see any traits in your children) I ask because normally we are children of parent/s with NPD/BPD. if YES then help them early as you can then the cycle can be broken (you know what i mean right?)

As for the financial side i cant comment sorry as when my sons father left me 24 years ago i never took any help for the child. your situation is different with house and debt etc...so i will leave that advice for someone that has been in that situation so they can advise you better with that part

Welcome to the site