anxiety with every phone call

I've gotten myself into this routine and I'm unsure how to deal with the following....

My parents live 800 miles away from me. For the past few years we have gotten into this routine in which I call them every Monday after work (I always call them, they never call me - but they do text) For the past few months I have really been working on severing enmeshment behaviors with my mother. With the help of my therapist, I have been backing away a bit (emotionally) and have been acting more independent while also confiding in her less (I used to tell her every little detail, almost like a confession???). I've def. seen some improvement in my mental state; I even spoke up during Thanksgiving dinner when she was being sarcastic (and inappropriate in my mind) in front of several family members (she gets loud and likes to be the center of attention (almost cocky) when there is a large group of people around). As of late she seems to be baffled by my independence; I even caught her staring at me intently during Christmas as if trying to get into my mind and figure out this new daughter that she has.

Although I feel stronger, I can't help but feel anxious every week whenever I have to call her because I have this feeling that a volcano is about to erupt. She has been keeping herself in check (and being "patient") but I can tell that a storm is brewing and she will only tolerate this "misbehavior" for so much longer. I know that she has discussed my "rudeness" with my sister-in-law because I have felt a disconnect and distance from her as well (or perhaps I am just projecting and/or seeing things because I think that this is the scenario and I'm misreading body language, etc)

I have recently started a new running group that meets on Mondays (which has totally rearranged my schedule). Wheresas before I could call right after work, now I'm rushing home, changing my clothes, walking my dogs and and then heading over to meet the group. We usually run for awhile and then we go out to eat afterwards. This new activity disrupts the "routine" and I am feeling the heat emanating from my mother, even 800 miles away.

Yesterday I intended to call her right after I left work (while driving in the car) but just honestly didn't feel like explaining why I had to get off the phone abruptly to get ready for the run (she usually tries to keep me on the phone for an hour, any less and you "feel" the displeasure). I sent her a text which read "Hey mom and dad, meeting my running group. Will call if I don't get home too late. If I don't call, will call you tomorrow. Love you!" I received no response. I have now entered the silent treatment zone. So, when I call her tonight she will be distant. I fear she may even be sarcastic.

How in the world do I deal with this??? How can I not feed into this game??? I'm trying my hardest to recover and learn new healthy coping mechanisms, but feel like I get pulled back in whenever I have to communicate with her.

I'm not sure that I am strong enough when she finally decides to unleash her fury on me and I feel like this will set me back.

Hi bohemian,
Reading your post gave me a PING moment, thank you for your post.

Ive noticed many people here have Narc parents (my mother and my ex mother inlaw ) hard work most definitely and i know what your going through.

Like you said, you have recently "stood strong" against her and you have done really well, i know its hard to maintain, my mother was an nightmare to

Your running group is great to have in your life for your own self esteem and of course your mother isn't going to like that your attention is elsewhere, that's obvious
(my ex has same problem with his mother)

Can i ask if your mother is of good health ?
i have a reason for asking, i'll explain it

Echinacea wrote:Hi bohemian,
Reading your post gave me a PING moment, thank you for your post.

Ive noticed many people here have Narc parents (my mother and my ex mother inlaw ) hard work most definitely and i know what your going through.

Like you said, you have recently "stood strong" against her and you have done really well, i know its hard to maintain, my mother was an nightmare to

Your running group is great to have in your life for your own self esteem and of course your mother isn't going to like that your attention is elsewhere, that's obvious
(my ex has same problem with his mother)

Can i ask if your mother is of good health ?
i have a reason for asking, i'll explain it

Thank you Echinacea!

I've been wondering if my mother falls into the narc category...... I've always suspected BPD but perhaps a bit of narc too?? My mother (aged 60) is actually in perfect health. She has avoided going to the doctor for years (like 30 something years??) and just (begrudgingly) went and received a perfect bill of health (not on any medications or anything). She has joked though that I'm going to take care of her when she gets old (I think that I'm going to move out of the country when this happens! LOL!)

She watches my Facebook page like a hawk and even became facebook friends with my boyfriend. Luckily my boyfriend sees right through her and has made a few comments to me which shows that he is pretty perceptive and aware of her (this is definitely a plus as she has flirted with my boyfriends in the past....I know, yuck!) When she asks about my life it is not like she is really interested as I can hear the jealousy in her voice. This is confusing because at times she acts like she is proud of me and excited.

I feel as if I'm guilty of contributing to this behavior because I never severed the connection as a young adult.

just my 2 cents here, but i think you are definately doing the right thing, you can't live your life under her thumb forever, just keep on building your independence from her up, if she has a problem with that, those are her problems, not yours. if you can, try not to allow the silent treatment or sarcasm effect you. correct me if i'm wrong but she may not be used the strong independent person that you are, give her time, and if she does try and unleash hell on you, if you feel comfortable with it, give it straight back.

on a side note if you aren't comfortable having a go, what i find useful myself, is if i don't feel like explaining my actions to a person i'll just act completely oblivious and unconcerned, outwardly projecting my carefree attitude as much as possible, even if it is to a certain extent feigned. it has the potential to drive people crazy, and reinforces a feeling of power and control that leaves the ball in my court. one thing i may do is this. like they may be having a go, and i'll be like "uh huh, right, that's kinda interesting, but you know what's REALLY interesting" and then take a random tangent off onto a topic of my choosing (sorta like this now) and just keep talking over them. also this can be kinda empowering so when they try an divert it back to themselves, i've built up the confidence to give it to them straight.

she may be your mother but she does not own you or your time
best wishes, hope some of this was helpful, and not insensitive.

bohemian_butterfly wrote:
Thank you Echinacea!

I've been wondering if my mother falls into the narc category...... I've always suspected BPD but perhaps a bit of narc too?? My mother (aged 60) is actually in perfect health. She has avoided going to the doctor for years (like 30 something years??) and just (begrudgingly) went and received a perfect bill of health (not on any medications or anything). She has joked though that I'm going to take care of her when she gets old (I think that I'm going to move out of the country when this happens! LOL!)

She watches my Facebook page like a hawk and even became facebook friends with my boyfriend. Luckily my boyfriend sees right through her and has made a few comments to me which shows that he is pretty perceptive and aware of her (this is definitely a plus as she has flirted with my boyfriends in the past....I know, yuck!) When she asks about my life it is not like she is really interested as I can hear the jealousy in her voice. This is confusing because at times she acts like she is proud of me and excited.

I feel as if I'm guilty of contributing to this behavior because I never severed the connection as a young adult.

She watches your facebook (yet another reason i hate that site) that place has a lot to answer for lol sorry....where was i....she behaves exactly like my ex's mother ( i found out recently) she sabotaged my relationship with her son. She was "envious of the time we spent together she would always call or walk in unannounced (my ex was/is cerebral narc)i didn't know it the time, so intimacy was never a problem that she would ever walk in on ) never concerned him ..but i hated that he dropped everything every plan we made so stroke her ego.

Anyway the reason i asked about her health is because "tough advice" can sometime bite ya in the ass, my ex mother inlaw has a heart condition and when shes upset "abandoned by him" he feels that when she cries in rage it will cause her more heart problems , so in actually fact he lives in anxiety to not upset her.

If your mother is of good health then stick to your guns, try and be strong, shes not used to seeing your new behavior so its kind of alien to her, but she has to learn.

Are you the only one that she manipulates or have you other siblings ?

@Consider-phlebas- Nicely worded