Problems with empathy/sympathy?

My empathy seems to switch a lot at random times which goes from non-existant to a lot. But 90% of the time it's just not there. This is mostly when I'm feeling empty and because I almost always feel empty this happens a lot.

It resorts into me having to fake empathy in order to not seem insensitive, my friends grandma died and I didn't feel a single thing what so over, I was a little surprised but that's all. I hate when this happens because I'm not a good actor, I remember saying "What happened? I'm so sorry" but he could've just told me he got new shoes, it wouldn't have changed anything.

But I'm not always like this.

I also have a very strong attraction to manipulation but I don't want to gain anything from it, I just want to make people like me and stay with me. But I can't even persue it because I'm horrible at it.


It makes me feel like I got ASPD but then I wouldn't e.g cry for a week when my own grandma died or almost starting to cry by watching someone in a movie die. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying at all?

Yeah, sometimes I think i'm really not that empathetic. i'm empathetic towards animals, especially when I see animals that are hungry or injured, it really affects me. With other people it takes more to affect me, but I think its because i'm usually dealing with so much stuff of my own its just that I don't have the energy. its like if a person is starving they will not have much strength. I think I am capable of empathy, but I am in a starved state most of the time and have to look after myself first.

I relate to the part about manipulation too. I think I can be very manipulative. Most of the time its not on purpose, its just what I have observed or learned to do and it happens without thinking. I think most of the cluster B's are that way.

I decided I want to get beyond this though. In order to get healthier and have real, healthy relationships, it will be necessary to put the manipulation aside, and learn to be vulnerable, and hopefully be able to empathize with people. that is what i'm working towards, anyways. although i'm just now getting to this point of self-awareness, so there is still a long way to go.

YES! This happens to be all the time and I also question my ability as an actress

For a while, I started worrying that I was a sociopath but one thing I do know is that I feel very strongly about animals and feel real rage if I read about mistreatment, cruelty, etc. I was travelling a few years back and saw a woman hitting a caged animal with a stick - I ended up having a meltdown on the bus and made my boyfriend go out and try to communicate with her while I stayed on and the confused locals stared at me. I swear, if there were no laws, in the heat of the moment, I may have gone outside and actually battered her to death with her own stick! I've also rescued a few mistreated or injured animals and get very emotional about the whole thing - what stopped me from perusing a career as a vet though was that my emotions were too intense.

I also cry a lot at films (more than most people, or at films that aren't considered sad) and can get very upset about certain things on the news...(but sometimes I don't feel anything for major tragedies). I swing from caring so much about humanity to despising humans as a species, and sometimes feel like the world is so full of bad things that I don't want to live in it or be a part of it because I just can't take the knowledge that bad things are happening all the time but we've developed a real desensitised approach to so much of it.

But..if someone I know, or meet personally, tells me about a tragedy, I don't seem to feel anything - just rather numb (I'm not on meds) so I too fake reactions, which gets tiring. I have to do the opposite as well - faking joy for someone, fake laughing, etc. I used to be a therapist and although I did want my clients to get better, my approach was very Freudian with showing no emotion, whereas a therapist friend of mine used to hug her clients - something that I would hate as I don't like being touched by anyone other than my partner!

justagirl00 wrote:I think its because i'm usually dealing with so much stuff of my own its just that I don't have the energy. its like if a person is starving they will not have much strength. I think I am capable of empathy, but I am in a starved state most of the time and have to look after myself first.

This is a perfect description, thanks justagirl

I think I need less empathy, lol. It gets me into trouble too much.

For example, I bought something from a vendor that was pretty poor and not as described. I was going to leave a review of his service on a review forum, but then my daughter started crying. Then I thought, "maybe I shouldn't. What if he has kids like my daughter and my poor review makes him lose business and not able to feed his children??" Then I started to feel guilty.

Too much empathy is not any better than too little. Honestly, as long as you have enough to understand that it's wrong to screw people over, you're fine. Not everyone hurts from hearing someone's grandma died. In fact, I'd bet most don't.

In a previous relationship, one of my partner's friends had made my life particularly difficult.

One day my girlfriend told me that said friend's mother was dying, and I laughed.

My mental state must have been very poor at the time as I could never image myself reacting in such a manner now.