fear of abandonment? Man cave?

Hello dear friends,

Fear of abandonment has reared its’ ugly head and I’m in desperate need of your help.

Background: I spent my entire holiday vacation (2 weeks) with my boyfriend. Overall it was a wonderful vacation; We traveled a bit, got together with family and friends and enjoyed some down time together (watched some movies and read books). I checked in with him periodically to see if he needed some space (wanted to make sure that I wasn’t being needy and/or “enmeshing” ) and he reassured that he did not need any space from me (I’m going to trust that he was being honest with me). I feel like I got a bit closer to him, but I also got more of a sense of his personality and quirks (as I’m sure he experienced with me as well).

On Sunday night (1/3) we went to the movies, it was my last night of freedom before returning to work. When he dropped me off at my apartment I admitted that I was sad that our vacation was over and that it was going to be weird not being with him. He agreed and said that he was going to probably go through withdrawal.

Monday- today we have texted several times back and forth.

My fear: I feel a slight distance (mind you I’m deciphering this through his texts) even though he writes that he misses me and loves me. But I’m sitting here wondering why we are apart? I guess because I experienced a sort of “marriage” with him (practically living at his place for those 2 weeks) I feel like he should be asking me over, etc. I guess I expected that our relationship would have gotten deeper and moved to a different level. I guess I feel like he should want to spend every waking moment with me (yes, I totally realize this is not healthy and very codependent)

Because I have this fear of abandonment I’m (painfully) aware that I may be still looking for signs that he is planning on dumping me. Also, (I’m trying my hardest to think/react like a “normal” person would) he could be just going into his man cave after girlfriend overload. **I should also note that he has been sick these past 3 days** And I should also note that this is a typical pattern; we usually spend Friday night - Monday morning together and get together once or twice during the week to run and/or get dinner.

Point blank. Right now I’m panicking. I started to write him a letter explaining my fears, but I stopped myself. I got online and googled and researched and read exerts of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”

I’m trying my hardest not to freak but: my heart is thumping, my stomach is in knots, my soul is howling in pain, I want to cry, I want to jump in bed and pull the covers over my head.

This is what I’ve tried thus far:

-distraction (I’m at work so this sort of helps)
-silencing my cell phone and hiding it in my purse (not obsessively checking it)
-writing a letter to him and then deleting it
-researching (if he is withdrawing (?) it may not have anything to do with me
-reaching out and asking for help (by posting on this forum)

This is so very hard. This fear has me in its’ grip and right now the only thing that will soothe me is another text from him (proving that he’s still interested).

Intellectually I know that I am being paranoid. I know that I am looking for proof of abandonment. I know why I’m feeling how I feel. I just can’t pull myself out of this emotion, this fear right now. It’s also upsetting to know that even when this fear passes, it will come again.

Any suggestions? Words of encouragement.

Call him, keep texting him. You dont need to talk to him two hours everyday on the telephone, as this will probrably annoy him, but you shouldnt stay silent due to fear of looking excessivelly dependent.

You just need to find a balance, and this is not exactly 37 minutes a day. There is a wide range of interection that is not excessive.

Hey there, bohemian_butterfly!

it's good that you're aware of what's going on, a lot of people with BPD are not, unfortunately.

this is definitely one of the most difficult things about BPD, how we feel the need to scan everything for hints of rejection/abandonment. there's many things you can do to help ease this, you've mentioned some pretty good examples that would probably help a lot of people. I've found some things that help me personally, a few to name:

★ muting the (kik) conversation for 1 hr so i'm not notified, this may not work for everyone, but it helps me at least delay my replies, coming off as less clingy & desperate.
★ finding something to keep me distracted; art therapy, music, movies, books, etc.
★ talking to others, this keeps me busy and helps time go by faster (doesn't always work though)
★ limiting access to applications/websites that make communication possible. whether this is deleting them or turning phone/laptop off, whatever works.
★ posting/replying to people on here
★ skype calls w/ friends
★ hanging out with family/friends
★ sometimes I'll tell people I'm busy and can't talk even if I'm not busy...and can talk. it holds me back because I know I'm supposed to be busy

obviously these aren't for everyone, though. do you have any hobbies or interests? maybe you could use those to keep yourself busy and such? again, doesn't always work, but maybe worth a shot.

I've also found that slowly distancing yourself and talking less can help with this, I'm not saying to completely cut communication, but more so to try to limit it. this can be very hard to do - especially in a situation like this - but it really does help, you might want to consider it, perhaps?

**update**

So I broke down and checked my phone. Not only had my boyfriend sent me a text, but had called and left me a voicemail; he was worried because he hadn't heard from me!

So now my fear of abandonment has abated for the time being, but alas......I know that it will return because of that constant need for reassurance. I can only hope and pray that with time and documentation (posting and writing in a journal) that I will come to see that my fears/emotions do not always match up to reality. I have to wrap my head around the fact that not all people that I love will leave and/or betray me. And if they do, it's not personal and it will not kill me.

Thankfully I never sent that letter (the "I feel a disconnect, what is wrong?" letter). If anything else, I need to make a pact with myself to be patient and not react immediately to my emotions because obviously they are not accurate. I'm even thinking of playing the opposite game. Whenever I have a urge, do the opposite.

Again, thank god for this forum and for all of you! I really appreciate your responses and help!

Oh, how I understand the feeling!

I have just started on a new relationship (after 2.5 years!) and we haven't even been together for a month.
Yet, I feel this strong attachment to him and I want to spend every single minute with him. Since I am painfully aware of my BPD (to the point of not knowing when it actually is ok to freak out) I have been struggling with need for constant attention.
Also, he's really shy. So, when I tell him how much I like him, he will just say "thanks".
How do I know then that he likes me? What if he isn't as into me as I am into him? And those thoughts keep spiraling out of control in my head making me unhappy and insecure.

HOWEVER, I have found a strategy and I hope this can help you too.
He doesn't know about my BPD (yet?) so he can't possibly know about my issues, but I have told him how much I like being touched (even if it's holding hands) and how much I like to tell him I like him. So, playfully, I told him I would tell him "I like you" once a day. That will fulfill my need for expression because I am careful about the timing (I want to make him laugh). He said he would try to say it back twice a week. That hurt a bit a first, but I reminded myself he's not like me. He's shy and I like that about him, so I will take his "I like you, too" twice a week with open arms.
Also, whenever I feel insecure, I make myself remember his other ways of expressing affection. He hold my hand every time we go out, and the other day he caressed my head and shoulders until I fell asleep. It's the little things.

So, basically, it's about trust. You have to place your trust, your faith, in him.
He loves you back, I know you know he does And it's wonderful.