How to give less of a $#%^? [rant/may be triggering]

yeah, I am still looking for this elusive solution to stop giving a $#%^.

I have gone upwards to 6000 mg lithium and had no luck, I have also done other mood stabilizers with little to no good.

I try not to care, but that doesn't work for me. I end up caring too much.

the thought to just not care what others think doesn't work for me. I never could make it work. I still end up falling to bits.

so... I have given up. I just give in to the suicide feelings when they come because of it. knowing that I don't have the means to put a bullet in my head, and that overdosing has come up to be pretty much impossible with the items at hand. I just hope something finally turns my brain off.

np01 wrote:yeah, I am still looking for this elusive solution to stop giving a $#%^.

I have gone upwards to 6000 mg lithium and had no luck, I have also done other mood stabilizers with little to no good.

I try not to care, but that doesn't work for me. I end up caring too much.

the thought to just not care what others think doesn't work for me. I never could make it work. I still end up falling to bits.

so... I have given up. I just give in to the suicide feelings when they come because of it. knowing that I don't have the means to put a bullet in my head, and that overdosing has come up to be pretty much impossible with the items at hand. I just hope something finally turns my brain off.

Right there with you.

Do you ever find that attempting to not care actually makes you more hyper focused on whatever it is you're trying not to care about? I find that if I force myself to not pay attention to whatever is going on I get triggered 100x worse.

I had this conversation with one guy I know who doesn't care about much. He told me that one day, I'd just get sick of people's crap.

And that's exactly what happened. I just reached a point where...you know that feeling where your insides are just screaming "NO NO NO" but you're being super passive on the outside? I just stopped being able to tolerate that feeling. That feeling became more overwhelming than the fear of doing what I wanted. Funnily enough, in those "don't care" moments I don't lash out either - because lashing out, much like being passive, means I do care. In those moments I just do what I want anyway and respect the other person's desire to do what they want or need to do.

I used to think not giving a crap meant that you didn't have any feelings or cares. I used to wish I could just leave situations or people without feeling anything one way or the other. But it really isn't that way. It just gets to a point where you value yourself, where you don't want to feel bad, independent on what anyone else thinks.

I look back on some stuff that happened a while ago, where I gave too much of a crap. There was a woman that I loved who really screwed me over, and looking back, I tolerated so much from her because I didn't want to lose her and I would never do that again! Because I know I deserve better. The same thing happened at work. I cared so much that I put absolutely everything I had into that job, and it wasn't worth it, because in the end they were deceptive towards me. They weren't worth it! And yeah, I'm still sour about both but I know that I am more important than any of that, at the end of the day it's my life and I have to live it.

The sad thing is for me that no matter how much I talked to others about this, no matter what they said, no matter how much I tried to talk myself into not caring so much. For me, personally, it took being pushed to the breaking point to even consider being braver and acting for myself more often.

@witchessebbath: is it a pokemon in that avatar? which one? the only dragon pokemons that i know of are charizard and laprus. ice pokemons are my favorite.

jaus tail wrote:@witchessebbath: is it a pokemon in that avatar? which one? the only dragon pokemons that i know of are charizard and laprus. ice pokemons are my favorite.

It's Mega Charizard X! Admittedly, I thought mega evolution in the new games were kind of lame when I read about them but a lot of the mega evolved versions are pretty sweet, this one being one of them.

I thought it was an ice pokemon
i think ice pokemons are coolest. they live in distant places where there are waters and only ice and live idyllic lives.

jaus tail wrote::( I thought it was an ice pokemon
i think ice pokemons are coolest. they live in distant places where there are waters and only ice and live idyllic lives.

He kind of looks like an ice Pokemon, but he's fire/dragon as opposed to fire/flying like Charizard. I like the ice ones too though, I always have one on my team.

I was at a small house party last night and a woman there was drunk and quite loud. She kept razzing my friend who organized the b-day party for his wife for forgetting to get a cake and not nailing down other details, even though everyone had a good time, including his wife. "I love ya, but seriously... ah, you know I love ya, but...." She kept busting his b**ls. I could tell he was barely tolerating it. I felt bad for him because he's had a rough life (crap childhood, lung cancer surgery twice, depression, etc.)

That said, I think it's harder to overlook the subtle disrespect, because it seeps into your mind like poison. Most of the time there are no witnesses to validate it. No one else notices. It's not their experience, so they seem to act like it's not even real. There is only you and your mind. How can you even explain it to others and make them understand? My friend had the whole room there, who could later say that woman was out of line.

I try to think of caring too much like throwing precious energy away. I also try to borrow a little from DBT and become the observer of my feelings, without judging them, in a detached way if possible.

I think the struggle that is by far the parody of all irony is to understand the condition very well. Too well. And when it was supposed to play in my favor, it is now my own enemy as it makes me less willing to reach out because of the condition's stigmata, and the fear of rejection. It is a very tough cycle to break, almost impossible, so either I feel that I'm a pest, or I run away and hide, and self-loathe in regrets. I just don't know what to do anymore, so silence is becoming the norm, all bottled up day after day, week after week, year after year, and I just pretend everything is ok.

I wish I knew how to not care what people think! I even think that I am unphased by things only to find myself puking/cutting/using - seething over something that was said or done. I am way too good at hiding my feelings and lying to myself.