Non needing advice

Hi there this is my first post,so i apologise in advance if i am offending anyone on here.

Anyway, I met my (i dont know what to call her) a year ago and she is diagnosed with bpd, she is what you'd call the "quiet" type borderline.

When we first met she was in a relationship with quite an abusive guy, drug addict, meth head.

We became friends at work and she started to become very clingy to me during this time (about 2 months). we hung out a lot and i noticed she was flirting a lot and comparing me very positively to her boyfriend.

After a while, I admitted that i had feelings for her, and she said the same but she wouldn't leave her boyfriend (at this time i didn't figure in abandonment issues etc) and she was very dependent on him. It got to a point I had to draw a line and say well if you won't leave him I have to move on for my own sake (he had been physically abusive and she'd shown me text messages of him saying she needed plastic surgery and a lot of other abuse) I was sick of seeing it and I almost had a fight with him actually.

I went NC for a week and she became increasingly desperate to contact me, and had a panic attack at one point so I broke NC. We ended up having sex that night, she reacted badly to it and was ashamed she had cheated.

A week later she broke up with her boyfriend, but at this time she also became very withdrawn from me. Eventually we fell out and didn't talk for a few weeks. She then got back in touch with me, weslept together twice and she told me she wanted a relationship with me. I suggested that we shouldn't rush and should just take it as it comes and have fun.

Anyway she then went cold again a little while later (no discernable reason) so I decided to move on. She then contacts me again at this stage and says she does want to be with me. I said ok, again... and we were ok for a few weeks then she withdrew again.

At this stage we had a big fight because I emotionally reacted and said she was playing me, cos let's be honest here that's what the behaviour seems like, she was crying and saying she wasn't and that i don't understand.

So all up this has gone on over a year now.

Some things to add

Her past relationships have lasted no more than 4 months
She usually gets into a relationship fast
Once she breaks up she never talks to them again
They don't know she has bpd (only her best friend and me know)
she says "it's different with you because it's real"
she says "i don't know why i can never let you go"
she says she wants to be with me but something about me makes her issues worse
she spends a lot of money on gifts for me, I always try to repay in kind
Oh and her friendships don't last either she has one friend who's been around for longer than 6 months

I would also say and I don't want to come off as arrogent or judgy here but as far as all the guys she's been with, i'd be a couple of levels above all of them in terms of being a catch, not to be offensive but they tend to be druggie, loser types and i'm kind of the opposite to them.

Anyway I just wanted some advice here, I mean if it can't happen it can't happen and I even said to her if you just want to be FWB that's fine, but whenever we hook up she falls in love again and says she wants a relationship.

I mean I want to do right by her too because obviously I care a lot and I realise things aren't as simple as they seem to me.

Right now we are in contact again for the last two weeks and I am trying to not put too much focus on it and just get on with my life, it's weird because after this length of time it's like ok well either lets make a serious run of things or else it's time to move on.

I dunno i guess just wondering if there's any insight or advice in this situation, i'm fairly well schooled on bpd by this stage but obviously i'll never understand it the same as someone who has it.

Thanks

So you've been with her a year, and this is what she's like. I guess the only thing to ask is whether you want to be in a relationship like that? To me, it doesn't sound like you're a match made in heaven. And if she has BPD and is not seeking to change then this is probably what your future holds. Quite difficult when we don't know her or her side of things.

Hi BuffDaddy, and welcome to the forum.

Yea its really tough for "nons" i have to say ...but you are doing research about her BPD so its a start.

The push&pull is very confusing for a non (without knowledge) but you are seeking knowledge so its not a complete loss. there is some very good advice from friends of this site that can and will advise you and give you tips on some of the struggles you will face, i am sure you will get the help you need, knowledge and understanding is the key, ofc in the devaluation phase it will seem she doesn't care for you and much of the time hate you and i can empathize with all nons here its really tough but it doesn't last un triggered she can be loving and warm right?

My advice , look around and get a feel for the posts and advice's from other nons here
its definitely a good place to start

RememberRonni wrote:So you've been with her a year, and this is what she's like. I guess the only thing to ask is whether you want to be in a relationship like that? To me, it doesn't sound like you're a match made in heaven. And if she has BPD and is not seeking to change then this is probably what your future holds. Quite difficult when we don't know her or her side of things.

As far as us not being a match.... i'm just going to be honest here if every person who got into a relationship with someone with BPD ran at the first sign of trouble.... every person with BPD would likely be single, aside those who have had alot of treatment, maybe that's a sweeping statement but I think it's a pretty accurate one.

There is a lot to be worked on for sure, and i'm interested in tidying up my side, as far as her side, she has the bpd diagnosis from 3 years ago but has not been getting any therapy for it, there was a suicide attempt 2 years ago which she got therapy after for a few weeks but then left.

Echinacea wrote:Hi BuffDaddy, and welcome to the forum.

Yea its really tough for "nons" i have to say ...but you are doing research about her BPD so its a start.

The push&pull is very confusing for a non (without knowledge) but you are seeking knowledge so its not a complete loss. there is some very good advice from friends of this site that can and will advise you and give you tips on some of the struggles you will face, i am sure you will get the help you need, knowledge and understanding is the key, ofc in the devaluation phase it will seem she doesn't care for you and much of the time hate you and i can empathize with all nons here its really tough but it doesn't last un triggered she can be loving and warm right?

My advice , look around and get a feel for the posts and advice's from other nons here
its definitely a good place to start

I think my knowledge helps a lot, I'll be honest when things happen like splitting etc it throws me for a moment but i quickly come to realise it's not really about me, so it doesn't effect me too bad.

When she's not tiggered, yes she is amazing, she's a really awesome person but she does have trouble expressing that sometimes, a lot of people take an instant dislike to her which I think is unfair because she's actually really caring and has a big heart, she just has trouble making good life choices i'd say.

Sorry, if I sounded a bit harsh (I was a divorce lawyer for 20 years). I guess what I was trying to say is do you want to be with someone who treats you like that? Because if she has BPD and isn't doing anything about it you could be in for more of the same. As for running at the first sign of trouble, I agree with you wholeheartedly, but this has been going on for a year or so now I think you said. I know you care about her, but you also need to take care of yourself and your own well being. The thing with a personality disorder is it doesn't disappear overnight. And if she doesn't seek therapy or try to work on her issues then she may never change. The push/pull is one thing and it must be tough for "nons" to deal with. But this is more than that - she's been playing you off against someone else. What if you hit a rough patch again?

Only you can decide what to do. Does she make you happy?

Overall yeah she makes me happy, i mean i'm a firm beliver in not giving someone the keys to your happiness even a partner, but she contributes to my life in an overall good way, we do have great chemistry, and I feel like i'm good for her in that I do understand her issues (as best i can) and i don't judge.

I mean i do have things to work on myself, but this is what sticks out to me, over the time I known her i have strived to be a better person and i honestly feel i have improved and i'm doing better than i was before.

I wish she'd look into getting some help for her but it's upto her.

BuffDaddy wrote: i'm just going to be honest here if every person who got into a relationship with someone with BPD ran at the first sign of trouble.... every person with BPD would likely be single,

I like what you said here
Very true indeed

BuffDaddy wrote:I wish she'd look into getting some help for her but it's upto her.

Sounds odd but have you thought about telling her about websites/support forums like this one?
ofc now your here she probably cant use this one (though this is the best one ive found)

I agree it would be great for her to get some support, we/i know what it feels like from the other side, and its awful most of the time not knowing if "this one" will push him/her away for good" its scary and emotional and annoying (that we cant stop it) angry at self coz we should be able to control our selfs but cant, hoping that this time doesn't hurt so much and its over quickly.
Can be scary for nons i know ....but its scary for us too and sometimes embarrassing depending on the situation of the trigger.

I really hope you find a way to help her get the support she needs
As you both seem very caring

Echinacea wrote:

BuffDaddy wrote: i'm just going to be honest here if every person who got into a relationship with someone with BPD ran at the first sign of trouble.... every person with BPD would likely be single,

I like what you said here
Very true indeed

BuffDaddy wrote:I wish she'd look into getting some help for her but it's upto her.

Sounds odd but have you thought about telling her about websites/support forums like this one?
ofc now your here she probably cant use this one (though this is the best one ive found)

I agree it would be great for her to get some support, we/i know what it feels like from the other side, and its awful most of the time not knowing if "this one" will push him/her away for good" its scary and emotional and annoying (that we cant stop it) angry at self coz we should be able to control our selfs but cant, hoping that this time doesn't hurt so much and its over quickly.
Can be scary for nons i know ....but its scary for us too and sometimes embarrassing depending on the situation of the trigger.

I really hope you find a way to help her get the support she needs
As you both seem very caring

I think it'd be great for her to post on here, however she has times she will open up and talk about her disorder, and other times she won't so i'd have to bring it up at an appropriate time.

She tends to focus on her eating disorder more, although in my view I think the eating disorder isa symptom of the BPD and that if we address that, it'd be easier to rectify the ED

I used to post on a forum for nons but I left there, i couldn't stand those people on there, they were a sorry bunch and they just didn't look at things from the other side and played the blame game, I tried to get advice on there but the things they told me to do (which went against my gut instincts) made things worse for us.

I am getting counselling myself too which is helping. Anyway I hope people don't mind me posting on this board because I feel like I get more honesty on here and people with BPD don't sugar coat they tell how it is which I appreciate.

Right now we are in contact and getting on well so I think things will start to improve again, so my plan is to make myself as strong and the best I can be for her and just try to slowly build up the trust

BuffDaddy wrote:I think it'd be great for her to post on here, however she has times she will open up and talk about her disorder, and other times she won't so i'd have to bring it up at an appropriate time.

Good idea

BuffDaddy wrote: I used to post on a forum for nons but I left there, i couldn't stand those people on there, they were a sorry bunch and they just didn't look at things from the other side and played the blame game, I tried to get advice on there but the things they told me to do (which went against my gut instincts) made things worse for us.

Your safe here, 99% of us are very helpful 1% might not be.

BuffDaddy wrote:I am getting counselling myself too which is helping. Anyway I hope people don't mind me posting on this board because I feel like I get more honesty on here and people with BPD don't sugar coat they tell how it is which I appreciate.

Thats great news sometimes nons need help and support too. and yeah we dont sugar coat things but equally i think we advise people in a courteous manner or at least i hope we do

BuffDaddy wrote:Right now we are in contact and getting on well so I think things will start to improve again, so my plan is to make myself as strong and the best I can be for her and just try to slowly build up the trust

Great news, im happy your are all calm atm, and deep breaths when its not it will pass ok ...

You sound like a really, really, good guy. It also sounds like you want the best for her. As someone with BPD, I can safely say that it isn't easy for her to express her emotions to you, either in a rational way or at all. I was attracted emotionally to awful guys for a long time, and had plenty of opportunities to have a great relationship with a great person but stayed with the awful ones. I think it's important she knows she can come to you with thoughts and feelings, and that you don't think any differently of her because she has a diagnosis.

My boyfriend always says he thinks that having borderline is worse than cancer. He says it because he feels like people with cancer always get support for their sickness, they get gofundme accounts to raise money for their illness and to help with the costs, they get attention and copious amounts of love but people who suffer from mental illnesses get stigma. There is hardly any love, attention, support. So maybe just show or tell her that's what you want to give to her. Love, attention, and support. This is a serious disorder and if you're going to be there for her you have to be in it for the long haul. It sounds like you are, just keep your head up and keep trying.