Dealing with subtle disrespect?

Hey everyone,

So I know when I bring this up with my therapist I'll likely get the "well, we'll get to this when we learn about interpersonal effectiveness..." or "let's talk about ways to express this..." but I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with this now, and I feel like it's tricky because it's not overt.

There's a lot of situations where I pick up on small things, like the way someone speaks, or the way someone treats me differently than others, and as a result I feel disrespected. For example, today I had to leave a family situation because I was getting too angry. We were all going to sit, and when I went to sit on the couch, my grandpa said "save that seat for your mom and dad." OK, fine, no problem. But then my brother goes to sit, takes the whole couch, and nothing is said. Then I go to sit on the chair and I get "save that seat for your grandma." My dad sits there, then goes "oh, that's her chair..." and grandpa goes "no it's fine, stay there, you can have that seat."

Then I go to get a handful of chips, and my brother is getting a chair from the basement, and he goes "go help your brother!" I've got chips in my hand so I want to take a few seconds to eat them, and he says it again "well, go help him out, will ya???" If it were me, I'd have to bring them up alone and no one would be asked/ordered to help me.

I'm the oldest of my siblings. I feel like, at my age, I can sit wherever I damn well please. But at the very least, don't tell me I can't sit somewhere and then not say anything when my brothers or dad want to sit in the same place...like at least treat us all equal? It indicates to me that he feels, whether it's conscious or not, that he can speak to me in a way he won't speak to the others. Like he feels like he can tell me what to do, and talk kind of rudely/bluntly to me, in a way that he wouldn't to the others.

But the problem is, it's such a small thing and pretty subtle. I feel like if I bring it up, it could be dismissed as "oh you're being too sensitive." "Oh you're reading into it too much." "Oh it's just a chair why do you care?" But I can't help but notice the very small differences in how I am treated sometimes, things that show that people respect me less than they do other people.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I'm sitting here fuming because I am tired of stuff like this.

In the past I would have lost my $#%^, exploded and alienated everyone. Now I would still have addressed it, but not as explosively...unless they put me down for how I was feeling.

I often post on here how I don't care what others think of me. It might sound like bravado, but it's true.

As I see it witches, the options in the scenario you describe are threefold:

1) Speak up in the moment and cause an almighty fracas (and why not?);

2) Say nothing then allow the resentment to consume you afterwards (familiar?);

3) Accept that other people (especially our families) are insensitive fools and let it go, happy in the knowledge that, in spite of their best efforts, there's nothing they can do to bring you down.

I would suggest that option 2 is the most common and least healthy. And I reckon you're better than all that.

Just another thought and Im not saying it applies in this example but what about thinking about whether or not it really is a dig at you?

I was talking to a friend who did psychology in uni and she was telling me about a test they did for the job she does now. Its a facial recognition test where there are ten pictures of a persons face. The first shows no emotion and the tenth is full. These pictures could be a smile, a frown, a laugh or whatever. The normal point where a person would pick up on the emotion being shown is around photo 5 or 6. She told me of a woman that she worked with who she believed was BPD and she could pick up the emotion at 2 or 3.

I was intrigued by this and read up that pwBPD are very good at picking up on the subtle emotions. The problem I feel arises when these are misinterpreted. If I was annoyed at something little like a driver had cut me up and wasn't really thinking about it my exgf would ask me what was up. I would say nothing as even though I had been annoyed I wasn't really thinking about. This I believe was misinterpreted by her as me being annoyed with her.

I know exactly what you mean here. I've been in the same situation time and time again. Ever since i was young I've been oversensitive/hypersensitive to what people say and do. I can tell a persons mood after listening to 10 words, even if I'm not looking at them. I get annoyed when people are pissed at something, you can hear it in their voice. They often give short answers and i think 'find a coping mechanism or bottle that crap up, I've got more crap going through my head than you but still i manage to talk to you and at least try to be friendly' If you have any respect for someone you should at least try make an effort to converse.I know i do, and i do it pretty well. So why can't they.

witchessabbath wrote:There's a lot of situations where I pick up on small things, like the way someone speaks, or the way someone treats me differently than others, and as a result I feel disrespected. For example, today I had to leave a family situation because I was getting too angry. We were all going to sit, and when I went to sit on the couch, my grandpa said "save that seat for your mom and dad." OK, fine, no problem. But then my brother goes to sit, takes the whole couch, and nothing is said.

My Dad used to do this when my brother lived with us, i did all the chores while he sat on his ass and it was never mentioned. If i didn't do something or forgot, there'd be hell to pay. I think people get off on feeling powerful and controlling and pick the most passive person that is least likely to react to pick on. Needless to say eventually it would build and I'd snap, we've had our fair share of heated arguments.

witchessabbath wrote:But the problem is, it's such a small thing and pretty subtle. I feel like if I bring it up, it could be dismissed as "oh you're being too sensitive." "Oh you're reading into it too much." "Oh it's just a chair why do you care?" But I can't help but notice the very small differences in how I am treated sometimes, things that show that people respect me less than they do other people.

It's easier for others to ignore a problem than to deal with it. I've learned that people are ass holes no matter what you do or how nice you are. My best advice is to cut the people that hurt you out of your life as much as possible because they can rot alone.

Got a tad carried away there at the end haha sorry.
Hope you're doing ok.
Happy new year.

Yeah, Witches....I relate to this

this is a big trigger to me.

being disrespected
being blamed for things I didn't do
being accused for things I haven't done
treated as someone inferior
treated like my feelings/opinions don't matter
etc.

all triggers. I actually had to deal with something like that today. I confronted the person and they didn't apologize. kind of aggravating, but I can't do anything about it. I can't force them to apologize for what I perceive as a slight. and apparently, they don't see it that way. or, if they do, their pride won't allow them to admit being in the wrong.

its kind of a jagged pill to swallow, but I guess the only we can do is be in control of our own responses. and holding onto anger only hurts us.

we can assert ourselves and ask to be treated the way we think we should, and call people out when they have wronged us. but we can't control others actions.

if other people are just too toxic, cut them loose.

but of course when its your own family, it gets complicated

do you think you are the scapegoat in your family?

I think I am, and I think that is why this is such a big trigger to me to this day

i think they're picking on you just for entertainment. when i was a kid, my brother would pick on a cousin brother just to entertain himself.

even i've done this n now i realize how shallow it was. to pick on someone n trigger someone just for a reaction so later we can say: 'cant you take a little humor?'

the other day i was watching a show on discovery that said that jealousy(though the case in point isnt exactly jealousy), but jealousy is a a defence mechanism and is also shown by animals.

the experiment had:
a parent and a child were in a book store/small shop. alone. then the parent began playing with a toy. the child was indifferent. then the parent began cuddling another child(a toy child/puppet) and the child started shouting, throwing tantrum.

then a dog owner and dog were in similar place. first the owner began playing with a toy(doesnt resemble dog). the pet dog was indifferent. then the dog owner began playing with a toy dog(a puppet) and the pet/real dog started barking, in fact it even bit the puppet dog and tried to separate it from pet owner.

Jealousy is shown by animals as well, it's not something only bpd related. its a defence mechansim as animals compete for food. baby animals would compete for mother's milk and so often would fight.

just wanted to say that it's okay to feel sensitive and left out if that's the case. and it's not something toxic or abnormal behavior as some people say.