Trouble with ex

Hello,
Some of your suggestion might help.
I have BPD. I dated my NPD boyfriend for about 7 months. It was intense, good and emotionally abusive. I broke up when he cheated on me. I let his friends and our common friends know that he cheated on me (Those who knew him well were not surprised, they said he has a history and pattern. They were just wondering how I kept him for such a long time). It was typical NPD/BPD relationship.

Past few months I am dating someone. My current bf is kind and caring, however he show signs of BPD behavior. My ex NPD boyfriend knows about us. He was hoovering for a while. I gave up and started messaging again. His one of the messages to me read "I don't care if u have a boyfriend or not, I will text u and have sex with you". I know I should have blocked him, but deep down I feel a connection with him. I still feel attracted to him, I do care for him and I did loved him. But I know how it's going to end if I went back to him. I get this horrible thoughts of cheating on my current bf with him. But, I don't want to do that. I just feel like I am being torn apart. I don't want to fall for NPD charm and lose my current relationship. The charm, the pull is so strong. I tried blocking him but everytime ended up unblocking. With our common friends and small community, its impossible to keep him away.

Also he is/was mad on me for telling people about his cheating. He once told me that I have ruined his reputation in town. But now he is being nice again. Is it a possibility that he wants me to cheat on my current bf, so he could turn the tables?

Mary Ann wrote:Hello,
Some of your suggestion might help.
I have BPD. I dated my NPD boyfriend for about 7 months. It was intense, good and emotionally abusive. I broke up when he cheated on me. I let his friends and our common friends know that he cheated on me (Those who knew him well were not surprised, they said he has a history and pattern. They were just wondering how I kept him for such a long time). It was typical NPD/BPD relationship.

Past few months I am dating someone. My current bf is kind and caring, however he show signs of BPD behavior. My ex NPD boyfriend knows about us. He was hoovering for a while. I gave up and started messaging again. His one of the messages to me read "I don't care if u have a boyfriend or not, I will text u and have sex with you". I know I should have blocked him, but deep down I feel a connection with him. I still feel attracted to him, I do care for him and I did loved him. But I know how it's going to end if I went back to him. I get this horrible thoughts of cheating on my current bf with him. But, I don't want to do that. I just feel like I am being torn apart. I don't want to fall for NPD charm and lose my current relationship. The charm, the pull is so strong. I tried blocking him but everytime ended up unblocking. With our common friends and small community, its impossible to keep him away.

Also he is/was mad on me for telling people about his cheating. He once told me that I have ruined his reputation in town. But now he is being nice again. Is it a possibility that he wants me to cheat on my current bf, so he could turn the tables?

Does your current boyfriend know you're messaging your ex?

Hi Mary Ann and welcome to the forum

I can definitely sympathize with you and your current situation (been there)
not in the r'ship part, but in regards to the aching pull they have over us (my ex doesn't now) im in control now...but for a long time i felt this pull would be permanent and it was destroying me, i couldnt think of anything else but him...

Dont give up on your current boyfriend.
what i want to say though is its natural to feel drown to your ex NPD after all its a powerful r'ship of emotions you were in...but your his old NS and he will always try and get his supply back until he has a new supply (same as i was for my ex)

try and be strong May Ann, i say it because its possible ..ive done it.
im not saying its easy but it is possible

dont let him destroy the happiness you have with your new man

Thanks
Yes my current boyfriend know about me messaging my ex. It's a small town. He knows about his Narcissist ways. He knows if I try to block him, he will chase more. The only way is to be more assertive and have a passive-aggressive posture, if I try to run away, it will increase his predatory urges. Nothing else works.
In part I am at fault to still love his false image (or the initial image of soulmate I created of him in my mind). Usually I do cut off and forget about people. But in this situation my mind cant paint him black. The to and fro is irksome.

Mary Ann wrote:Thanks
Yes my current boyfriend know about me messaging my ex. It's a small town. He knows about his Narcissist ways. He knows if I try to block him, he will chase more. The only way is to be more assertive and have a passive-aggressive posture, if I try to run away, it will increase his predatory urges. Nothing else works.
In part I am at fault to still love his false image (or the initial image of soulmate I created of him in my mind). Usually I do cut off and forget about people. But in this situation my mind cant paint him black. The to and fro is irksome.

In my experience of relationships nice guys always finish last.

You're clearly still drawn like a magnet to your ex. I'm not saying that cheating on your boyfriend is, at this point, inevitable. But from the outside looking in it does appear very likely. However, you can exercise self-restraint if you wish. You're not totally at the mercy of your urges.

As for your boyfriend, if he is aware of your feelings for your ex and still tolerates you being in contact with him then he deserves all he gets. I've been in that position once and it ended very badly for him and for her.

Mary Ann wrote:It was intense, good and emotionally abusive.

Hi Mary Ann,
How do you reconcile these two points? How can an emotionally abusive relationship ever be good?

Mary Ann wrote:"I don't care if u have a boyfriend or not, I will text u and have sex with you".
.
.
I don't want to fall for NPD charm and lose my current relationship.

I'm confused that you find his behaviour charming. Do you not see that his behaviour is abusive?

Your current bf knows about the texting, but has he seen the message you quoted from your ex?

Hi,

How do you reconcile these two points? How can an emotionally abusive relationship ever be good?

Well I guess normal people would phrase it as "Love is blind"
But I guess it has to do with NPD/BPD dynamics. It's difficult to explain. A normal person would run away (or we won't allow them to come close) from either of us. But, with us we both trigger each other. The trigger keeps us feeling alive may be?

Another reason might have to do with "day dreaming". I feel I have made a kind of movie and cast him in a role of villain, hero or rescuer. His reality (which is abusive) has nothing to do with my fantasy world. I always found it difficult to distinguish between my real world and fantasy world.

So in real world he is emotionally abusive but in fantasy world he is good.

My current bf knows about the texting but is unaware of the content. I have told him the dynamics and he is being supportive.

Mary Ann wrote:Well I guess normal people would phrase it as "Love is blind"
But I guess it has to do with NPD/BPD dynamics. It's difficult to explain. A normal person would run away (or we won't allow them to come close) from either of us. But, with us we both trigger each other. The trigger keeps us feeling alive may be?

Another reason might have to do with "day dreaming". I feel I have made a kind of movie and cast him in a role of villain, hero or rescuer. His reality (which is abusive) has nothing to do with my fantasy world. I always found it difficult to distinguish between my real world and fantasy world.

So in real world he is emotionally abusive but in fantasy world he is good.

Nice, Nicely worded