Cheating Versus Leaving

Hello all

I fear abandonment far less than I fear being cheated on.

If a partner were to leave me, I'd immediately begin searching for someone else and, once involved in a new relationship, would almost forget about my ex. But if she was unfaithful and didn't tell me, every subsequent moment we spent together would be a lie and a waste of my life. I couldn't even look at a cheating partner and the thought of being physical following her infidelity would make me nauseas to the point of vomiting (ideally on her!)

Does anyone else fear being cheating on more than being abandoned?

Journeyman15 wrote:Hello all

I fear abandonment far less than I fear being cheated on.

If a partner were to leave me, I'd immediately begin searching for someone else and, once involved in a new relationship, would almost forget about my ex. But if she was unfaithful and didn't tell me, every subsequent moment we spent together would be a lie and a waste of my life. I couldn't even look at a cheating partner and the thought of being physical following her infidelity would make me nauseas to the point of vomiting (ideally on her!)

Does anyone else fear being cheating on more than being abandoned?

I feel that cheating is a cowardly and selfish act. The only purpose it serves is to make one person in a relationship feel good. If you want to be with someone else than you shouldn't be in a relationship. By cheating then you devalue your partner. You make them nothing more than an after thought. If they are nothing more than an after thought then why remain with them?

Oh for sure. I've been left, and it hurts like hell, but I knew she still loved me. It wasn't emotional abandonment, it was leaving me because it was not working. I knew there was no one else. But when they cheat...it means there was someone else. It means that while they were physically present they were emotionally absent. They emotionally abandoned me, which to me is just an unbearable thought because you start asking yourself when it happened. When did their heart leave you? When did they start looking at someone else in a way they no longer looked at you? At some point, you stopped being that one person they thought of in that way and felt that way about, and that love moved to someone else, because they possessed something you did not.

At least, that's how I interpret it. And it's totally intolerable. I'd rather it be "I love you but I don't think we can make this work."

Journeyman15 wrote:Does anyone else fear being cheating on more than being abandoned?

Definitely, i would rather be abandoned than cheated on, cheats have no respect for the r'ship IMO, Were as abandonment is kinda explained as "its for the best" or thats how i see it.

Journeyman15 wrote:Hello all

I fear abandonment far less than I fear being cheated on.

If a partner were to leave me, I'd immediately begin searching for someone else and, once involved in a new relationship, would almost forget about my ex. But if she was unfaithful and didn't tell me, every subsequent moment we spent together would be a lie and a waste of my life. I couldn't even look at a cheating partner and the thought of being physical following her infidelity would make me nauseas to the point of vomiting (ideally on her!)

Does anyone else fear being cheating on more than being abandoned?

I definitely fear being cheated on more. I've had breakup with exes because of other reasons where cheating never came into it and I could move on fairly quickly. I lost all emotional attachments to them. Whereas when I was cheated on it took a long time to get over the crushing pain in my cheat and the when, why, how, who etc. I was angry for a very long time and quite depressed. That's when I began sleeping around (which I now regret, but I don't know if I regret because I feel bad about myself for this or because of what others would think of me) because I'd only stay in communication and meeting each of the men before any attachment came. I'd feel 'loved' and wanted for a short while and always made it ott clear it was no strings attached, both of us could see anybody and do anything we wanted, which I now know is because if I found out they had been meeting other people it wasn't cheating and I wouldn't be angry or upset. I'd probably be a little jealous but nothing major. I did it to protect myself.

I'm currently in a relationship and as much as I fear him abandoning me, my fear of him cheating is much stronger

I asked my bpd gf the same question after reading this and she agrees with the majority "cheated on" is worse but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Why do so many bpd cheat if they feel this way? And isn't it sort of like the same thing as being abandoned? Most non and bpd would feel abandoned and betrayed I would think. If I ever talk with my ex gf again I'll be sure to ask her too, she accused me of cheating all the time... she cheated, I didn't in the 11.years together. I had a fling for a few.weeks.while.on one of a handful of brief breakups but it's different when she does it of course.
I'm thinking she will probably say cheating even though we both know how it was her cheating (and drinking) is why we broke up. (Don't worry i'll be nice like last times)

BPDaddict wrote:I asked my bpd gf the same question after reading this and she agrees with the majority "cheated on" is worse but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Why do so many bpd cheat if they feel this way? And isn't it sort of like the same thing as being abandoned? Most non and bpd would feel abandoned and betrayed I would think. If I ever talk with my ex gf again I'll be sure to ask her too, she accused me of cheating all the time... she cheated, I didn't in the 11.years together. I had a fling for a few.weeks.while.on one of a handful of brief breakups but it's different when she does it of course.
I'm thinking she will probably say cheating even though we both know how it was her cheating (and drinking) is why we broke up. (Don't worry i'll be nice like last times)

Hi BPDaddict

Ashamed as I am to confess this, I have cheated in the past.

I appreciate that this won't resonate with everyone, but I consider my partner flirting as cheating. Or telling me she finds another man attractive. So, in my 'betrayed' frame of mind, I have sought retribution by being unfaithful.

I'm not suggesting I was justified in my actions. And I haven't indulged in such behaviour for a while. But this is why I cheated.

Journeyman15 wrote: Ashamed as I am to confess this, I have cheated in the past.

I appreciate that this won't resonate with everyone, but I consider my partner flirting as cheating. Or telling me she finds another man attractive. So, in my 'betrayed' frame of mind, I have sought retribution by being unfaithful.

I'm not suggesting I was justified in my actions. And I haven't indulged in such behaviour for a while. But this is why I cheated.

Not quite in keeping with the conversation topic, but I've done something similar, cheated due to a mindset of betrayal I'd got myself into, that other people just could not see the rationality behind. My ex had got with someone else while out, drunk, in the first few days of our relationship and I got over it and decided to stay with him, because I just couldn't lose him and be alone (I felt I'd worked too hard for the relationship to just fall apart like that, and in truth once he'd done it he was so apologetic, sent me loads of gifts, payed me constant attention and told me he loved me, I couldn't help but cling to the love and attention because I wanted it so much), but I still felt betrayed. Then, when we were meant to be going on a night out in a big group of friends and all at his house before, he drank so much there that he was sick and couldn't go out. People being sick is like my biggest massive phobia, as in panic attack, can't breath, room spins, crying, totally freaking out, won't go near the person after for at least a week, total loss of contact with reality. And the reaction is more extreme the more I consider the person like...someone who I expect to look after me, I guess ''care giver' would be the word. I assumed, in this crazy freaked out state, that he'd done it on purpose and he was a horrible, awful person who deserved it. So I went out with my friends and cheated with just some random stranger.
However, I'd never actually consider myself to be the type of person who would cheat, and that I wasn't doing it because I wanted someone else, but because I felt so hurt and betrayed. And because I felt he had done the same to me.

More in line with the actual topic of the conversation, I'm terrified of being cheated on. If I think anyone I'm in a relationship with would be in a situation where they could possibly cheat on me I'll completely freak out, ban them from going, come up with a drama I'm having that means they have to see me and can't go, ring or text obsessively. But I think that's because, for me, cheating and abandonment go hand in hand. Cheating = leaving = abandonment = alone. And that's something I don't know how to deal with.

Journeyman15 wrote:

BPDaddict wrote:I asked my bpd gf the same question after reading this and she agrees with the majority "cheated on" is worse but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Why do so many bpd cheat if they feel this way? And isn't it sort of like the same thing as being abandoned? Most non and bpd would feel abandoned and betrayed I would think. If I ever talk with my ex gf again I'll be sure to ask her too, she accused me of cheating all the time... she cheated, I didn't in the 11.years together. I had a fling for a few.weeks.while.on one of a handful of brief breakups but it's different when she does it of course.
I'm thinking she will probably say cheating even though we both know how it was her cheating (and drinking) is why we broke up. (Don't worry i'll be nice like last times)

Hi BPDaddict

Ashamed as I am to confess this, I have cheated in the past.

I appreciate that this won't resonate with everyone, but I consider my partner flirting as cheating. Or telling me she finds another man attractive. So, in my 'betrayed' frame of mind, I have sought retribution by being unfaithful.

I'm not suggesting I was justified in my actions. And I haven't indulged in such behaviour for a while. But this is why I cheated.

I totally understand this. It's almost like punishing the other? While also proving to the self that you are still worthy?

My ex husband had many ex-girlfriends in his tight knit circle of friends. I tried everything possible to get over this. I went to counseling, we both went to marriage counseling, I got hypnotized, I talked to other people, etc. I ended up getting so frustrated that I emotionally left the relationship and started talking to my ex boyfriends (I was always of the mindset that one should NEVER EVER do this). As soon as I did this he flipped out. Our relationship ended pretty quickly after this.

I fear cheating more than abandonment because with abandonment I can convince my fragile ego that it was him not me. If one leaves me because they cheated it would solidify my belief that I am unworthy and that other women are more powerful and desirable than I am; it would mean that they win (I know why I feel this way......my mother used to flirt with my male friends when I was in high school and I felt totally powerless).

LittleGirlLost...

I'm an emetophobe too. I haven't vomited in years. I panic if I feel nauseous. Terrible business!

bohemian...

Why was your ex hanging around with an entourage of his exes? I've never been able to see the point of remaining friends with ex-partners. Disrespectful to your current partner no?

Everyone else...

Do we think flirting is ever harmless if you're in a relationship?