Many questions in here, whoever takes the time, Thank you

I’m posting this here b/c I exhibit traits of BPD, and last time I posted you all were so kind and very helpful.
My therapist thinks I only exhibit 3 signs out of 9, but she also doesn’t know me yet as it’s only been 4 sessions. Not to insult her or anything, but she was reading the DSM-V to me out-loud and shook her head at me at each point, saying I don’t have this, have that, and was dismissive so I just agreed with her. Anyone else experience this when inquiring about diagnosis? When I took an online test it said 6 out of 9 so I brought it to her attention. But I also put on a great act, it’s the one thing I’m pretty good at and have only expressed anxiety issues to her. We're starting to open up depression route but not there yet.

I do exhibit a major fear of abandonment and emptiness. Not stalking my boyfriend or anything like that (another reason why she doesn’t think I have BPD) but with my family. Fear of them dying or committing suicide on me.
Intertwined with this, they HATE my boyfriend I’ve been seeing for 2 years. We are planning on moving in together because he’s a bridge away from me, and now it has to be relatively quick. I usually go to his side of bridge on weekends to his moms apartment and him (he isn’t allowed over my house so it’s the only way). I changed it up a knotch and decided to go on a Wednesday night since he wasn’t working a double. OH boy…. My mother was verbally abusive calling me stupid, saying it was only a booty call (which it wasn’t at all as his sex drive isn’t even high. I wanted to talk to him about things.). It’s to the point of bullying… it always is. She also called him every name in the book, as I have been dealing with for 2 years. But I have never felt as much rage or sweared at them as much as I did last night in my entire life. He knows they hate him, which is the difference between my exes. My other long term ex they didn’t like, I hid it for 3+ years from him cause I was embarrassed. My parents are traditional Italian, my boyfriend now was raised in a jewish household, and my ex of 3+ years was Puerto Rican.
They were upset cause I had pizza before going over to his house last night instead of him making me dinner. Making me dinner was planned, but his friend passed away Tuesday night so he was all over the place. Plus he had a lot of leftovers but I felt funny considering it’s his mother’s apartment, her food, etc. So because I ate pizza at my house, it was a war. That why did I go over there, blah blah….

Anyway I am very sorry this is so long. I appreciate whoever reads all this and can offer some words. When my mother was slandering me, and my father as well (he said he’d have my boyfriend killed cause we have government ties which is complete crap), I HATE them. I have NEVER hated my mother and father as I do right now, yet love them at the same time. I am 26 years old and told them that I can do what I want. That my dad cannot take my keys away, as my name is on my car. Now I’m not allowed to have dinner with them, when I’m not allowed to cook in my mom’s kitchen because it’s hers. And also, I give them 400/mo which I know is not a lot in NY… but still. I do not know what to do with this. But I really wanted to punch her in the face (but I don't actually hit anyone which is another reason why my therapist says I do not have BPD) and have suicidal thoughts because the only way I feel I can escape their control is to die.
And my mother laughed at me saying my brother doesn’t like my bf as well. And he is the most important to me out of all because I feel my parents are ruining him. He’s 22 and babied to a sickening degree. Like toothpaste on toothbrush, degree. I hate them for what they have done and my mother started screaming only when my dad came back home and so my brother could hear it. To turn everyone against me.

And lastly, since I’m new at therapy. Do I tell my psychologist I have suicidal thoughts? What happens in this case? I don’t have a plan to do it nor would.. it’s just fantasies. My emergency contact is my..mother LOL. Even though these thoughts ONLY happen when she explodes at me and my Dad chimes in. My therapist has asked about these thoughts of course in the beginning, I said no I don’t have them, cause it really is not frequent. But at night when these arguments happen, I fantasize about me killing myself and then envision them with guilt and sorrow. Then I cry. Then I sleep. It was a cycle last night again for a few hours. My boyfriend has no idea it is this bad but when I came over just hugged me for a while. He is supportive and says we need to move out ASAP but needs to get his promotion in order.

Thank you

Hi Moonlightwave,
Well first , no need to apologize for info being long ...the more info "we all" know the more advice you will receive ....continues

========POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING========

Secondly,
Ive been there...only difference is my "father" wasn't the one ..it was my mothers men...yes "men"
even though i haven't been to "therapy" myself (only because i never admitted my issues until a few months ago to myself) but i do know that it is very important to tell ALL even the embarrassing parts *eg: you might not physically attack them, but maybe you hit yourself in anger i do/did i say "did" because i haven't been triggered that bad lately that i haven't exploded to the point of no return sinse moving out of the situation that was triggering it.

As i said in my first reply , the more info you give the better , this is important. she cant diagnose if you dont tell her "everything" some things you might not think is important to mention but it will be important to her. i hope this gives you a few ideas ...i want to give others a chance to give their side (ones that are/have been to therapy)

i might be wrong so wouldn't want to advice you wrongly ok...
im sure youll get some great advice - good luck

Hi Moonlightwave

Your home situation sounds insufferable and the sooner you can remove yourself from that toxic environment the better.

Regarding therapy, I would echo Echinacea's advice and completely honest about everything. You get out what you put in, and if it's not difficult I would suggest you're not working hard enough. Just my experience.

Good luck in beating your demons, physical and psychological.

Both of you, thank you so much for the advice. I have therapy today actually so I plan on letting this out. I feel the same way that once I remove myself from my parents house I'll feel some relief. My mother keeps trying to scare me saying I won't be able to do it and that my boyfriend will not nor ever pull his weight. He doesn't wine and dine me which is Italian tradition.. but she is stuck in the 70s from the upper east side. We do not come from money, I know she wants the best for me.. but my boyfriend is trying to be smart and he is not rich either. He needs to find out his exact base salary he will be getting in a couple weeks. I may crash at a friends apt from time to time til then if these thoughts keep happening.

I'm dependent on them more than I should be... I can't help but blame myself for letting it get this far.
Thank you so much

Moonlightwave wrote:Both of you, thank you so much for the advice. I have therapy today actually so I plan on letting this out. I feel the same way that once I remove myself from my parents house I'll feel some relief. My mother keeps trying to scare me saying I won't be able to do it and that my boyfriend will not nor ever pull his weight. He doesn't wine and dine me which is Italian tradition.. but she is stuck in the 70s from the upper east side. We do not come from money, I know she wants the best for me.. but my boyfriend is trying to be smart and he is not rich either. He needs to find out his exact base salary he will be getting in a couple weeks. I may crash at a friends apt from time to time til then if these thoughts keep happening.

I'm dependent on them more than I should be... I can't help but blame myself for letting it get this far.
Thank you so much

Hey im glad your feel "we" helped
But like JM said its the situation and when that is sorted you will feel a ton more relaxed

of course its an hard step to move out ..but its also about you personal freedom to make your own mistakes ...and lets face it "we all have done a few"

As for the "wine and dine" thing yes your right 70s definitely ..but jokes aside
Do what feels right "for you" and if things dont go well in you "parents eyes" well thats their problem to deal with ...

Wish you luck and support with your therapy today

Echinacea wrote:

Moonlightwave wrote:Both of you, thank you so much for the advice. I have therapy today actually so I plan on letting this out. I feel the same way that once I remove myself from my parents house I'll feel some relief. My mother keeps trying to scare me saying I won't be able to do it and that my boyfriend will not nor ever pull his weight. He doesn't wine and dine me which is Italian tradition.. but she is stuck in the 70s from the upper east side. We do not come from money, I know she wants the best for me.. but my boyfriend is trying to be smart and he is not rich either. He needs to find out his exact base salary he will be getting in a couple weeks. I may crash at a friends apt from time to time til then if these thoughts keep happening.

I'm dependent on them more than I should be... I can't help but blame myself for letting it get this far.
Thank you so much

Hey im glad your feel "we" helped
But like JM said its the situation and when that is sorted you will feel a ton more relaxed

of course its hard step moving out ..but its also about you personal freedom to make your own mistakes ...and lets face it "we all have done a few"

As for the "wine and dine" thing yes your right 70s definitely ..but jokes aside
Do what feels right "for you" and if things dont go well in you "parents eyes" well thats their problem to deal with ...

Wish you luck and support with your therapy today

Echinacea is on the money again Moonlightwave.

If your circumstances are unbearable, no amount of therapy is going to resolve anything. I suspect you'll realise once you've taken the step that leaving your parent's house (I'm intentionally not using 'home' as your new place will be that) it's a decision that will be the making of you.

All the best with your therapy today.

Journeyman15 wrote:Echinacea is on the money again Moonlightwave.

"Echinacea smiles at JM"

Thank you so much. I will try and find my way through this and hopefully things fall more into place..

Moonlightwave wrote:Thank you so much. I will try and find my way through this and hopefully things fall more into place..

Your welcome any time
there is always someone here to support you so never worry

Stay safe and positive