"Get Over Yourself" - Dad Doesn't Accept I Have BPD

Hi,

I’m hoping this is the right place to put this. I’m having a hard time with this at the moment and would like some outside perspective.

Making an extremely long story short, I have a troubled history with both of my parents. They divorced when I was very young and I ended up being raised by my mom. My mom was abusive physically and emotionally, and she married men who were sexually abusive to me for several years. I was bulled in school and with everything together it’s left a lot of trauma. During this time, I was denied any contact with my dad whatsoever.

After escaping my mom as a late teen, I moved in with a friend who, over the years became my (now ex) husband. He became very abusive towards me as well. Near the end of our relationship, I reestablished contact with my dad on my own volition. This happened a month before the abuse my ex-husband was giving became physical. My dad and stepmom were happy to help me escape my current whereabouts when I asked if they could help in any way and I ended up moving in with them. This was almost four years ago.

After having lived with them for 9 months, my dad feels the need that I have to be “rescued.” He feels the need to “re-educate” me, as I didn’t receive “proper” training for life growing up. My parents moved to the opposite side of the country shortly after I moved out and I haven’t seen my dad for over two years. I’ve been in on and off contact with him since I moved out of his house, mostly due to his attitude.

I was diagnosed with BPD and severe depression right around the last time I saw him two years ago. I’ve been through turbulent times trying to get my life together as an independent adult, as I’ve had a hard time keeping stable employment, housing, etc. It’s been a good process for me overall because it’s explained so much of why I’ve had a hard time adjusting to life. It’s also given me the opportunity to learn life lessons I never would have received living with my mom. My dad, however, refuses to believe I have any mental health diagnosis whatsoever.

My dad is a military man who was also abused by his mother. He’s learned to bottle his emotions and always uses a euphemism of rubbing dirt on your wounds, then getting back up. He consistently tells me I need to “get over myself” because all of my problems can be fixed with just a simple attitude adjustment, according to him. I’ve tried explaining to him what my diagnoses are, how that affects me, how it’s affected me throughout my life, and he doesn’t listen. He’ll accept it and acknowledge that I’ve said it, but we’re usually right back to square one right away with me just needing to “get over myself.”

It doesn’t help that I have a half sister I grew up with and she had the capacity to deal with her emotions quicker than I have been able to master. I have stepsisters as well that lead relatively normal lives and haven’t had any mental health diagnoses I’m aware of. All of these sisters have kids. Every conversation I have with my dad, I always hear some variation of “I want you to have the lives they have someday,” meaning that somehow despite me finding some happiness in my own ways, enjoying things like video games and silly YouTube videos, and dealing with the issues I have means that on some level I’m not good enough for him. It’s embarrassing, discouraging, and leaves me right back with the same behavior my mom provided.

We had an incident tonight where I called him out on blaming me for a new job I just received going bad because I was telling him about how I haven’t been trained, managers are yelling at me for work others aren’t doing, etc. (it’s just a retail job, nothing fancy) I got upset with him, raised my voice, started swearing, and he hung up on me before I could even get to why I was upset. I tried calling back to apologize and instead all I got were passive aggressive, sarcastic texts making fun of my conditions and behavior.

I understand that with my condition, the way I react and express myself isn’t perfect. I make mistakes and I’m prone to crying and complaining. What’s frustrating to me is that I’ve tried sharing the successes I have made and trying to act the way him and my stepmom want me to act, and it doesn’t work. They always find something to nitpick at, and everything always goes back to me needing to “get over myself,” even if we’re just having a normal conversation about our lives that doesn’t involve me complaining about anything. I’ve had to cut my mom out of my life completely because a relationship with her just simply won’t work. It seems like the same thing is happening with my dad, which I don’t want it to, but at the same time, it’s hard to have someone in your life who thinks low of you because they don’t want to understand what’s actually going on.

Has anyone else experienced this? I hope I’m not crazy.

He wants to mold you as he sees fit. How can you move past your issues with someone else telling you how to be? Don't worry all that much about this BPD diagnosis. Focus on getting what you want out of your life.

Through great hardship comes great power of understanding.

-- Sat Nov 21, 2015 2:40 pm --

He wants to mold you as he sees fit. How can you move past your issues with someone else telling you how to be? Don't worry all that much about this BPD diagnosis. Focus on getting what you want out of your life.

Through great hardship comes great power of understanding.

Scattered Ashes wrote:He wants to mold you as he sees fit. How can you move past your issues with someone else telling you how to be? Don't worry all that much about this BPD diagnosis. Focus on getting what you want out of your life.

Through great hardship comes great power of understanding.

-- Sat Nov 21, 2015 2:40 pm --

He wants to mold you as he sees fit. How can you move past your issues with someone else telling you how to be? Don't worry all that much about this BPD diagnosis. Focus on getting what you want out of your life.

Through great hardship comes great power of understanding.

Thanks for the reply.

I think the reason why I fixate so much on the diagnosis is because it's really impacted a lot of the issues I have and a lot of what he sees wrong with me. I don't see the diagnosis as something that defines me as a person, just my experiences.

I want to discover who I am and live my life, I just find it challenging that what I want isn't what my dad wants and he's very vocal about it. I also want to try and be closer to all of my family because my mom tore me apart from everyone, but at the same time I'm not sure if it's worth it if everyone is trying to have me be someone I'm not.

Remember that you are an individual, not a statistic. Your experiences are unique. They have never happened before quite like they happened to you.

There may be gain to have from reconnecting with the rest of the family. Escaping the narrow world that was imposed on you, further integrating the experiences of your genetic heritage. This is ultimately preparation for your breaking free as your own person, being more than you are today. Maintain the central position of your life, lose yourself not to others.

bagelsorbit wrote:Hi,

I’m hoping this is the right place to put this. I’m having a hard time with this at the moment and would like some outside perspective.

Making an extremely long story short, I have a troubled history with both of my parents. They divorced when I was very young and I ended up being raised by my mom. My mom was abusive physically and emotionally, and she married men who were sexually abusive to me for several years. I was bulled in school and with everything together it’s left a lot of trauma. During this time, I was denied any contact with my dad whatsoever.

After escaping my mom as a late teen, I moved in with a friend who, over the years became my (now ex) husband. He became very abusive towards me as well. Near the end of our relationship, I reestablished contact with my dad on my own volition. This happened a month before the abuse my ex-husband was giving became physical. My dad and stepmom were happy to help me escape my current whereabouts when I asked if they could help in any way and I ended up moving in with them. This was almost four years ago.

After having lived with them for 9 months, my dad feels the need that I have to be “rescued.” He feels the need to “re-educate” me, as I didn’t receive “proper” training for life growing up. My parents moved to the opposite side of the country shortly after I moved out and I haven’t seen my dad for over two years. I’ve been in on and off contact with him since I moved out of his house, mostly due to his attitude.

I was diagnosed with BPD and severe depression right around the last time I saw him two years ago. I’ve been through turbulent times trying to get my life together as an independent adult, as I’ve had a hard time keeping stable employment, housing, etc. It’s been a good process for me overall because it’s explained so much of why I’ve had a hard time adjusting to life. It’s also given me the opportunity to learn life lessons I never would have received living with my mom. My dad, however, refuses to believe I have any mental health diagnosis whatsoever.

My dad is a military man who was also abused by his mother. He’s learned to bottle his emotions and always uses a euphemism of rubbing dirt on your wounds, then getting back up. He consistently tells me I need to “get over myself” because all of my problems can be fixed with just a simple attitude adjustment, according to him. I’ve tried explaining to him what my diagnoses are, how that affects me, how it’s affected me throughout my life, and he doesn’t listen. He’ll accept it and acknowledge that I’ve said it, but we’re usually right back to square one right away with me just needing to “get over myself.”

It doesn’t help that I have a half sister I grew up with and she had the capacity to deal with her emotions quicker than I have been able to master. I have stepsisters as well that lead relatively normal lives and haven’t had any mental health diagnoses I’m aware of. All of these sisters have kids. Every conversation I have with my dad, I always hear some variation of “I want you to have the lives they have someday,” meaning that somehow despite me finding some happiness in my own ways, enjoying things like video games and silly YouTube videos, and dealing with the issues I have means that on some level I’m not good enough for him. It’s embarrassing, discouraging, and leaves me right back with the same behavior my mom provided.

We had an incident tonight where I called him out on blaming me for a new job I just received going bad because I was telling him about how I haven’t been trained, managers are yelling at me for work others aren’t doing, etc. (it’s just a retail job, nothing fancy) I got upset with him, raised my voice, started swearing, and he hung up on me before I could even get to why I was upset. I tried calling back to apologize and instead all I got were passive aggressive, sarcastic texts making fun of my conditions and behavior.

I understand that with my condition, the way I react and express myself isn’t perfect. I make mistakes and I’m prone to crying and complaining. What’s frustrating to me is that I’ve tried sharing the successes I have made and trying to act the way him and my stepmom want me to act, and it doesn’t work. They always find something to nitpick at, and everything always goes back to me needing to “get over myself,” even if we’re just having a normal conversation about our lives that doesn’t involve me complaining about anything. I’ve had to cut my mom out of my life completely because a relationship with her just simply won’t work. It seems like the same thing is happening with my dad, which I don’t want it to, but at the same time, it’s hard to have someone in your life who thinks low of you because they don’t want to understand what’s actually going on.

Has anyone else experienced this? I hope I’m not crazy.

Hi bagelsorbit (great username by the way)

My parents separated when I was a baby. My mother couldn't cope so I was raised by my dad.

Non of my family have ever considered my mental health issues as legitimate. However, as is the case with you, there's a reason for that. If your dad validates your diagnosis he has to take responsibility for contributing to it. BPD is, in most cases, a disorder born of both nature and nurture. Your parent's separation is almost certainly a contributing factor. I suspect he feels much guilt at not having been there for you, especially in light of the abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother.

My advice: stop trying to get your dad to recognise your diagnosis. It's far more comfortable for him to dismiss it because in doing so he doesn't have to take partial responsibility for it.

Concentrate on getting well. Your parents made their decisions for their own ends. This is your time. Your opportunity. Your chance to shine.

Scattered Ashes wrote:Remember that you are an individual, not a statistic. Your experiences are unique. They have never happened before quite like they happened to you.

There may be gain to have from reconnecting with the rest of the family. Escaping the narrow world that was imposed on you, further integrating the experiences of your genetic heritage. This is ultimately preparation for your breaking free as your own person, being more than you are today. Maintain the central position of your life, lose yourself not to others.

That's a very good point on your first part. I never thought about it like that. People usually like to discourage the unique experience viewpoint, especially on the internet, so it's refreshing to hear that.

Your second part is also very interesting, especially the "genetic heritage" part. My mom constantly lied to me about my genetic makeup, and even my dad's side refuses to tell me what I am. I'm literally at the point that I have to take that $200 genetic test to figure out what I am ethnicity wise.
Taking into account the rest of everything though, it really is a great thing I did expand upon trying to reconnect with family. I agree with you there. It hasn't really worked, but I feel better. At least I tried and at least I have a better understanding of everything that's going on. I know who's worth talking to and who isn't. I'd much rather have that than the regret of never having the chance to get to know them.

Journeyman15 wrote:Hi bagelsorbit (great username by the way)

My parents separated when I was a baby. My mother couldn't cope so I was raised by my dad.

Non of my family have ever considered my mental health issues as legitimate. However, as is the case with you, there's a reason for that. If your dad validates your diagnosis he has to take responsibility for contributing to it. BPD is, in most cases, a disorder born of both nature and nurture. Your parent's separation is almost certainly a contributing factor. I suspect he feels much guilt at not having been there for you, especially in light of the abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother.

My advice: stop trying to get your dad to recognise your diagnosis. It's far more comfortable for him to dismiss it because in doing so he doesn't have to take partial responsibility for it.

Concentrate on getting well. Your parents made their decisions for their own ends. This is your time. Your opportunity. Your chance to shine.

Thanks! Admittedly I can't take full credit, I had a username generator help.

I'm sorry to read that your family also refuses to acknowledge your issues as legitimate as well. It's a terrible thing. People don't understand that it's not needing an "attitude change," it's the literal brain chemistry that needs help changing.

I never thought about it like that. Admittedly, him and my mom separating did have a huge negative impact on me. My dad did try to see my half sister and I at one time when I was 8-9 years old, but it ended up failing miserably because my mom fought hard to prevent him from seeing us. I remember feeling extremely depressed on the nights he wouldn't show up. When I was a kid, I was told it was because he didn't want me. Now I see the full picture and realize it was my mom's doing, another form of abuse.

I've gotten over that part. I don't care about what happened in the past concerning that. What bothers me now is how mad he gets because I like Sonic the Hedgehog video games (which is irrelevant to our conversations) and I don't go to church on Sunday mornings (can't even if I wanted to because I have an inconsistent schedule and I need to keep open availability for work). He sees me as less of a person for these things which really, don't matter. It's like me getting mad at him for liking wasabi. It's irrelevant and liking something doesn't make you a good/bad person.

I guess the whole acceptance thing has several motives. I'm tired of hearing the lectures. I'm tired of hearing "get over yourself" instead of just having him listen. And I'm tired of being expected to ask for advice when really, he's the hardest to ask advice from. I think too that when I want him to accept me, I just want to be his daughter. I want him to not feel ashamed or act ashamed when we talk. I'm a very different person from all of my siblings and it sucks he can't accept that. Maybe that's where I'm trying to get at.

I think I will focus on myself and just try to keep him out of the picture for a while. I always find myself crying when I'm on the phone with him and it'll be nice to not have to live up to anyone's expectations. I've been in recovery for over two years and I realize that it's going to take much longer than that to heal.

Thanks for your reply. It's very much appreciated.