Subtle suicide

Hello. New to the forum and would appreciate compassionate feedback to help me understand my problems.

I grew up in a home where I was constantly bullied by my older brother, my mom had severe mood swings and would lash out at us in anger. My dad was always working and was never around. I remember being a sad child who had crying spells. The rest of my childhood I don't remember.

When I became a teenager my dad became extremely controlling, domineering and gave me guilt trips for any small behavior. At 16 I met my first boyfriend who I lost virginity to. He was verbally abusive and would humiliate me. I became very depressed and decided to become a prostitue in order to make money and run away from home. At 18 I entered the porn industry where I received a lot of attention while also being degraded beyond belief. I went back with my boyfriend and gave him all the money I would make for him to love me. I eventually left the porn business and ended my relationship with him due to help from a therapist.

I believe I had sex for money to feel empowered. The only affection I got from my father was through gifts and money.

In my early 20s I dated a man who was very caring and nice. I was incapable of being loved. I cheated on him, lied to him and broke up with him several times. I was also afraid of his angry outbursts that would lead me to flee him. We eventually got married with the intention of moving away from my family. Instead we ended up living with them because we couldn't afford rent. During this time I started to become severely suicidal and was hospitalized on several occasions. I was diagnosed with bpd from psychiatrist at hospital. I was relieved because I finally felt like there was a label for someone with my problems.

My husband and I got divorced after 2 months of marriage and I instantly became involved with someone I met online. Everything I told him about myself was a lie. I felt that the real me was a monster that should be hidden. I would be mean to him occasionally and I felt that he was going to leave me so I told him I have schizophrenia in order for him to feel sorry for me. I craved his love and feared being abandoned. On our dates I would pretend to have auditory hallucinations so I could feel comforted by him. He ended up breaking up with me after 5 months because he couldn't stand my love/hate behavior any longer.

It has been 2 years and I still think about him everyday. I stalk his social media and became suicidal when I found out he had a new girlfriend. As a result of this I started doing meth and shoplifting and having multiple sex partners.

I will be 30 this month and not a day goes by where I don't think about offing myself. I still live with my parents and they are treating me like an invalid due to all my hospitalizations. I love being in the hospital it is where I feel most safe.

I'm currently working as a mental health therapist and I have no energy. I sleep most of my life away and get triggered by clients problems. The job does not pay which makes me financially dependent on my parents. I feel stuck and don't know if I am capable of being a therapist.

I'm heavily haunted by my past yet I'm currently not cutting, not using drugs and not talking to men. I feel empty and depressed on a daily basis. I don't see a point in living anymore with all this suffering.

Thanks for reading and I hope someone can identify with some of my story. Thank you

I am so sorry that you have suffered like this. I would give you a hug right now if you were in front of me.

I just came out of relationship where I saved a girls life (long story). I met her online, got her out of Pakistan, and to the UK where I went to see her.

I won't lay it all out in details, but she too was consumed by her ex. It was one of the destroying factors of the relationship.

Your life has real value. I tried ending my life a couple years ago too when my wife showed up with the police one day to announce she was leaving me, and did, and divorced me and left me sick too.

I lived, and then this last girl, I got really depressed too. But overall I am tough and if anyone can get through some really serious stuff, you can too. I know it is just words, but overall we all have a real value, and sometimes others we get hooked up can't see it.

You just continue on. Even this day I worry about my future once I lose my mom, she is 90, and I have none who would even help me if I needed it if she wasn't here. I am not a bad person, but sometimes the good people suffer the most