Please help explain my friend's behavior

Hi everyone,

I'm a non and I read this forum to hopefully gain some insight into my BPD friend's behaviour in the hope that I can be a better friend. I would appreciate your thoughts on why she may have done the following:

A mutual friend invited a large group of friends to a BBQ at his house. Most invitees accepted, but my friend didn't because she is feuding with one of the couples that was attending. I accepted the invite and my BPD friend knew I was going. Despite this she left me a phone message the day before the BBQ inviting me to her house at the same time as our friend's BBQ. She knows I am not one to cancel on a friend unless there are circumstances out of my control. There is no way I would pull out of an event with one friend I had committed to so that I could be with another friend. So she must have known I was going to decline her invitation. I know she has fear of abandonment, because she told me. Why would she set herself up to be rejected by me?

I know that in the past I would have done something like this (especially to a boyfriend) because a part of me really needed the person to prove that I was of value. To me it was like a junkie getting a fix; I sought the adrenaline rush of someone choosing me over another; it gave my self-esteem a boost (a temporary boost at that). Yet, in a sick and twisted way I sort of expected/needed to be rejected because it would prove my unworthiness.

I hope that helps!

Thanks b_b, it helps a lot. That's what I was thinking she might be doing. It's sad, because I would have gladly accepted her invitation had it not been for the prior engagement. I suspect she will do some self-loathing now (she has told me she does this) and I feel like I'm partly responsible for it. I just hope I don't end up being split black for something that wasn't my fault.

Fishing-mad wrote:Thanks b_b, it helps a lot. That's what I was thinking she might be doing. It's sad, because I would have gladly accepted her invitation had it not been for the prior engagement. I suspect she will do some self-loathing now (she has told me she does this) and I feel like I'm partly responsible for it. I just hope I don't end up being split black for something that wasn't my fault.

No, you are not responsible for anything; this is totally her. She is lucky to have a friend like you.

Thanks!