*TW* mother....... the ultimate trigger

As of late whenever I get a text and/or phone call from my mother, my heart pounds and drops into my stomach. I have been feeling like this every since I started counseling and have been trying to "sever the umbilical cord" per se.

I stood up for myself for the first time in my entire life a few weekends ago and as a response, was met with a look of wrath/hatred from her.

Although I'm not a professional, I firmly believe that she has BPD.

To the outside world, she is kind, giving, sweet, etc. But I don't think that I will EVER forget the look she gave me the other day. It's like I've always known there was a slight hatred of me, but because I was always compliant, (and afraid) I never really allowed myself to believe it.

Quite frankly I do not know how I will be able to grow with her in my life, but I guess that is the point of counseling......

My parents are in town. They drove right by my apartment (didn't stop by) and went directly to my brother's house (my brother and sister-in-law are now the golden children). This move was a direct result of me standing up for myself.... I was being punished. I did not play the game though (I was relieved when she pronounced that they weren't stopping by) and because my response to her was not the response she wanted, now she is texting me, saying how much she has missed talking to me ("we have been sooooooo busy!") and wanted to give me a head's up that we will be discussing Christmas when I stop by my brother's home tonight. She is doing this because my boyfriend will be with me and she knows that I will be more "open" to setting up "solid" arrangements (my boyfriend has no idea how dysfunctional my family is).

I am trying to be mindful and not let this trigger me. I was so excited about seeing my brother and his kids...... now I don't want to go. But I will go and I will be OK and I will have fun. If I don't agree with "her arrangements" I will say so.

I'm taking myself out of this dysfunctional game. I'm in counseling, I'm taking medication, doing EFT, reading books and I will not get pulled into her emotional/mental game. But, if I do..... I understand that this is a process. The family dynamics will have to change because I AM. The system was dependent on everyone playing their role, but I've decided to walk off stage.

As soon as I hit "submit," my anxiety about this situation will leave with it. I've already wasted too much energy on her by devoting even a few minutes to writing this post.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with a mother who is very much still a part of your life? And how do you deal with the fact that you suspect BPD when the rest of the family doesn't have a freakin' clue? And how do you not collapse with fear?

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

i'm sure even my caretaker has bpd or some other pd.

her anger is sudden n immense n then she's got black n white thinking.

i dont know how to deal with her, sorry. i wish things were different in the family but they arent. now i dont have any emotion for her. i'm supposed to have affection towards her but i just dont care

all i feel is sympathy for her.

Hi there,

Really sorry to hear the situation you are in. I wish I had an answer that can help you workout how best to be in such a situation.

All I can say is that my relationship with my mum is also very triggering, I also believe that she struggles with a lot, but never speaks a word of it. For many years now we have fought over the smallest of things. This year has been the worst and it has got to the point where I have not seen her or spoken to her hardly. I haven't seen or spoken to her in about 3 months. Like you I was the one in the family that tried to hold it together. I am also trying to be more independent and not allow my mum's views taint my own feelings.

It hasn't been easy and recently a few texts have been exchanged, very polite and nothing being given away. When a text comes through it breaks my heart a little, because yes I care about her and I wonder if she is managing, but also I am not ready to go contact again, because I don't know if I can feel the pain again.

It can be a difficult situation, I need support, I believe my mum needs her kids in her life, but at the same time I am trying to keep a distance.

I guess what I am saying is no matter how you deal with the situation, please be expectant of some kind of emotional upheaval. To feel torn between your head and your heart. No matter what we decide sometimes it is very hard to cut all ties and not still feel. I hope that makes sense, just not able to fully explain what I mean.

So the reception last night was errrr, chilly to say the least. We (my mother and I) are like strangers as we play this sick dance around and around. Unfortunately I don't have the skills yet to deal with this. I am filled with anxiety this morning. I also noticed that my mother is now facebook friends with my boyfriend. I know it's silly, but I'm a little unnerved by this (and I think that was her point). Now, even if I keep my distance she can still see what my boyfriend and I are up to. Unfortunately my boyfriend and I haven't reached a point in our relationship where I can have a frank talk with him about her. *sigh*

I just got to work and I can't concentrate. I know that I am being melodramatic, but I want to run away from it all. I just don't feel strong enough to be able to deal with this. My mother is a bully and she will not take this "change" of mine lightly. Oh no, I can feel a storm brewing. I can see it in her eyes and feel it pouring from her skin. There will be an eruption, it is only a matter of time. The thing with her is that she won't care where/when it happens or who is around to witness it (one time she and my aunt got in a yelling fight at my birthday party; I was 11 or 12).

So here I sit, trying to deal with this pain and anxiety while at work, a place where I am supposed to be productive and concentrating on moving up the corporate ladder.

Mentally, she has me...... but I am trying to fight it. But then again, I don't want to turn into her. I don't want to be angry and passive aggressive myself. So I turn against myself......and that's where the problem stems and that is why I feel weak (poor sense of self).

So perhaps the most important lesson/goal for me is self-love. Loving myself for sitting here, (actually getting to work today) for being able to think, (even though right now I am going round and round and round) and for even making an attempt to dismantle this disease (BPD).

Any extra words of encouragement or thoughts? I'm going to go take a 30 minute walk to get some fresh air.

Take sometime.

Have you think that those borderlinish fear of abandonment may be only a conditioning due to your own caretaker lack of concern towards you? What about the low self-esteem?

While this will take time to heal, Maybe you've realized what is causing you trouble.

Remember mind is flexible, it is only conditioned in that way, and with the due effort and patience you will get much better.

creative_nothing wrote:Take sometime.

Have you think that those borderlinish fear of abandonment may be only a conditioning due to your own caretaker lack of concern towards you? What about the low self-esteem?

While this will take time to heal, Maybe you've realized what is causing you trouble.

Remember mind is flexible, it is only conditioned in that way, and with the due effort and patience you will get much better.

Yes, I'm totally conditioned, but I am starting to see that I can modify my with meditation/EFT.

You're right, time and patience.......

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. I wish I had better advise but I also have a lot of issues with my own mother being very controlling and manipulative. I think that your impulses in your original post are spot-on. Just keep working your program with your therapist and stay in touch with your feelings so you can work through them.
I know that stomach through the floor feeling that you're talking about. I get the same feeling whenever my mom attempts to contact me (which hasn't been for a couple months. I guess she's super super mad at me for asking her not to come to my wedding. Oops) Whenever I get that stomach drop feeling, it helps me to remind myself that I get the same physical feeling whenever something good happens to me too. I remind myself that it's just my body's reaction to the fear of the unknown. I don't know if that will help you, but I do hope that you begin to feel more at peace with this situation with your mother soon.

Read Understanding the Borderline Mother. There are a lot of examples on how to handle different borderline mothers.

My mother has BPD too, although I'm sure there is other crap going on there. The denial is very thick with her, nothing is wrong with her, she's just a "worry wort". She acts like your mother does too, martyr herself in public, mom of the year, the whole family thinks my brother and I are selfish brats because when she wants us to go out of our way, we say no, she tells everyone how awful we are.

I can relate to what you're saying. And, I think it's normal with PD parents to have our own abandonment fears even if we don't have a full-blown disorder. I've been diagnosed with BPD, twice, and sometimes I wonder if I really have it based on my mother's behavior, because sometimes we act so differently, and she's in denial, but I'm not.

It's a good thing that you're getting therapy/counselling and are standing up for yourself. Asserting yourself and your own needs becomes easier the more you do it. If you can tolerate your mother in small doses, keep in contact with her. But if she's really nasty to you, don't hesitate to walk out for good.

You deserve better. You're responsible for yourself, not your mother.