BPD in a new relationship

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here after just discovering this site! I am hopeful that talking to others with BPD can help me understand my behaviour and thoughts a little clearer, as I still feel as though I am not sure which thoughts/actions are "me" and which are "BPD".

So please excuse me if this is a long one... I've never felt comfortable sharing my BPD-isms with anybody and I have a lot to get off my chest.

I am 22 and recently ended a 4 year relationship, my longest ever but also my most difficult. This relationship was a big factor in discovering the full extent of my BPD, as it was swinging wildly between planning to run away together and get married/have children, and the next day screaming at him because of something he did 3 years ago. I've never fully felt like I hated or despised or resented a partner as the opposite of the love/infatuation/obsession, usually more like swinging between this feeling and the feeling of "I don't like them much anyway/they're replaceable/I don't need them". Needless to say I am much happier out of this particular relationship, and in the months since it ended I truly felt as though I was beginning to finally kick this disorder.

A few months ago a long-term friend and I started to be more than friends, after a long time of me knowing his feelings for me. At first I just wasn't ready for anything but very quickly began to like him, as he would always be around for me, always wanted to spend time with me, complimented me constantly, all the usual. I spent a long time trying to prolong sex because I know that this is the turning point for me and begins my very intense emotions for other people, so for a long time we only shared a bed, hugged and held hands, before gradually introducing other things. But of course as soon as we began to be sexually involved, it was like a switch flipped and I was immediately obsessed over him, always texting him 24/7, asking to see him every single day, not wanting to be around him for a single second without holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him, anything I could do.
And it seemed to me at first that this switch that flipped inside me switched the other way for him. Where he used to want to touch me all the time, it was like the novelty wore off, he'd keep his hands in his pockets so I couldn't hold them in public, roll away in bed and face the other way, fall asleep while I was talking to him, stop messaging every available minute, hugging other girls. Keep in mind that we have had discussions on our feelings for one another and both agree we really like one another, but have not labelled our relationship, met the parents, introduced one another as "partner/girlfriend/boyfriend" or even discussed if we are mutually exclusive with one another.
For weeks now I have been absolutely furious over all of this "ignoring" and "avoiding". I've been completely fuming if he has not messaged for half a day, beside myself if he didn't want to hold my hand anymore, physically ill seeing him spend time with any girl besides me.
This week is the first in this new relationship that I've felt the "I don't need him" side and I'm beginning to see how all of these things he's supposedly doing are not actually wrong at all, and are not attacks on me or signs that he doesn't like me anymore, but more that I can be very controlling and overwhelming and that other people need more space than I do. I am probably very suffocating to him by always wanting to be touching him or talking to him, needing constant reassurance, being suspicious of what he may be doing with other people.

So I guess I'd like to ask, how should I talk to him about all of this without scaring him away? How do I keep reminding myself that the ways I'm thinking are irrational and that he's being normal? And most of all, how can I stop being so clingy to him and learn to give him space? I don't want to be overbearing and end up scaring him away.

blissrelease wrote:Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here after just discovering this site! I am hopeful that talking to others with BPD can help me understand my behaviour and thoughts a little clearer, as I still feel as though I am not sure which thoughts/actions are "me" and which are "BPD".

So please excuse me if this is a long one... I've never felt comfortable sharing my BPD-isms with anybody and I have a lot to get off my chest.

I am 22 and recently ended a 4 year relationship, my longest ever but also my most difficult. This relationship was a big factor in discovering the full extent of my BPD, as it was swinging wildly between planning to run away together and get married/have children, and the next day screaming at him because of something he did 3 years ago. I've never fully felt like I hated or despised or resented a partner as the opposite of the love/infatuation/obsession, usually more like swinging between this feeling and the feeling of "I don't like them much anyway/they're replaceable/I don't need them". Needless to say I am much happier out of this particular relationship, and in the months since it ended I truly felt as though I was beginning to finally kick this disorder.

A few months ago a long-term friend and I started to be more than friends, after a long time of me knowing his feelings for me. At first I just wasn't ready for anything but very quickly began to like him, as he would always be around for me, always wanted to spend time with me, complimented me constantly, all the usual. I spent a long time trying to prolong sex because I know that this is the turning point for me and begins my very intense emotions for other people, so for a long time we only shared a bed, hugged and held hands, before gradually introducing other things. But of course as soon as we began to be sexually involved, it was like a switch flipped and I was immediately obsessed over him, always texting him 24/7, asking to see him every single day, not wanting to be around him for a single second without holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him, anything I could do.
And it seemed to me at first that this switch that flipped inside me switched the other way for him. Where he used to want to touch me all the time, it was like the novelty wore off, he'd keep his hands in his pockets so I couldn't hold them in public, roll away in bed and face the other way, fall asleep while I was talking to him, stop messaging every available minute, hugging other girls. Keep in mind that we have had discussions on our feelings for one another and both agree we really like one another, but have not labelled our relationship, met the parents, introduced one another as "partner/girlfriend/boyfriend" or even discussed if we are mutually exclusive with one another.
For weeks now I have been absolutely furious over all of this "ignoring" and "avoiding". I've been completely fuming if he has not messaged for half a day, beside myself if he didn't want to hold my hand anymore, physically ill seeing him spend time with any girl besides me.
This week is the first in this new relationship that I've felt the "I don't need him" side and I'm beginning to see how all of these things he's supposedly doing are not actually wrong at all, and are not attacks on me or signs that he doesn't like me anymore, but more that I can be very controlling and overwhelming and that other people need more space than I do. I am probably very suffocating to him by always wanting to be touching him or talking to him, needing constant reassurance, being suspicious of what he may be doing with other people.

So I guess I'd like to ask, how should I talk to him about all of this without scaring him away? How do I keep reminding myself that the ways I'm thinking are irrational and that he's being normal? And most of all, how can I stop being so clingy to him and learn to give him space? I don't want to be overbearing and end up scaring him away.

Hi blissrelease

I don't have the answers to your questions, but I wanted to reassure you that you're not alone in feeling as you do.

A turning point for me in relationships was when I stopped thinking in terms of normal and abnormal and right and wrong. We're all allowed to feel what we feel. It's about finding someone with whom you can reach a compromise and be enough of yourself to be happy.

And, for what it's worth, the behaviour that seems to be turning your boyfriend off would feel heaven sent to me (and possibly to other fellas with BPD).

Thank you! I appreciate your response. I'm sure its common for there to be no real resolution for these things, but it feels much better just to be able to discuss them here. I am trying my best to keep them out of the relationship, although I have told him that this is what I struggle through so I hope that if I slip up he has some understanding of why I might overreact or go a little crazy at him.