i feel so jealous, need to be rationalized

Hi everyone. I've had some reoccurring issues/patterns I've recognized in myself lately, and I don't know what to do with them... I'm not in therapy, and when I try to talk to someone close to me about it they think I'm being weird and bad because of how I feel.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about five months, and we've been best friends for yeaaars longer. I really love my girlfriend, I think we have a pretty good relationship besides a few bumps, mostly from my end... that might not even be bumps, and all in my head.

The problem is, I get really jealous when my girlfriend hangs out with her friends. I am agoraphobic and don't have many friends, but she has a lot and hangs out with them often. I want my girlfriend to have friends and hang out with them and enjoy herself, but some part of me becomes so jealous that I actually scare myself with how inwardly vicious I am. My girlfriend knows I have BPD, but I don't think she understands quite fully what it means or what it does to me as I try very hard to hold my feelings back besides asking her to reassure me when I feel like she hates me and a few other minor things.

It's selfish of me to feel this way because even when I don't feel like hanging out with her, I get really mad and upset when she talks to her friends... even though I didn't even want to talk to her in the first place! I don't want to be possessive of her. The thought scares me, but I feel like that's what this is. I feel euphoric when she's giving me attention and is talking with me, but I feel like I want to break up with her and destroy what we have when she doesn't text back immediately, posts on social media without replying to my texts, and most of all, hangs out with her friends instead of me.

This has happened a lot in our relationship, but tonight really set me off and I'm trying not to split right now. I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said no because she didn't feel good (she also has mental illness) and I said okay, and for her to rest up... next thing I know, she's about to go hang out with her friends!! I feel... or I felt, really sick and sad, and immediately jumped to conclusions. Last night hanging out of her was a dream, but after that, I wanted to ruin everything. I wanted to ruin myself. I immediately because self-loathing, but I texted her back and said okay that's fine, I'm going to bed anyway. A little passive aggressive... but I made sure to say I love you, and then put my phone down.

I felt like I was going to go to bed crying or doing something bad since I didn't want to lash out at her even though I really wanted to, but then she texted me and said she got nervous and thought I might think she chose her friends over her. That's exactly what I thought, but I don't want to text back... it's awful, I feel awful about this, but I'm glad. I want her to feel bad for making me feel bad first. I don't want to text her back until morning and make her think about what she did.

But the thing is, did she even do anything at all? It's not a crime to not hang out with me all the time, and I know that, but I still get really upset! A part of me wants to sit her down and explain my BPD to her in depth to make her more aware, and I just... I don't know. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I feel like my head is spinning and I feel so... out of it. Just not there. Just dead inside.

Please help me rationalize this. I don't want to be abusive or a possessive partner to my girlfriend, and I don't want to ruin our relationship even though I feel like it's ruined over something that probably isn't even there to begin with. I just hate this. I hate myself for being like this and not being able to control it better.

And now I feel like crap again because she's posting about being with her friends on social media, and is apparently having a good time. Why do I want my girlfriend to suffer? Why am I such an awful person.

Your feelings are valid, the only thing that distinguishes between cluster Bs and nons is the reactivity. You do not have to react to these triggers. Do whatever it is that usually helps you come down from a trigger. It's different things for different people, maybe a talk with a friend about nothing related to take your mind off things, maybe being out in nature, could be journalling, how about adult coloring books, or any other healthy and helpful pursuits you may already have in your life.

The feeling will diffuse in time. Let it come and then let it go. Stay strong. You'll be okay. We all have been through this. Very hard in the moment, but it can be done. Keep posting if you need to release.

i used to be like this a lot. still am. if i saw my friends hanging out with other friends, i'd get jealous n feel left out.

like there was one instance when i was with friend#1, n he was about to call another friend to join, n i sort of got upset by it.

once i checked a friend's mobile and read a text there, i saw the conversation he was having with another friend. i felt so left out n was angry that they arent involving me.

i guess its because i am expecting family love from friends. like if someone sees his/her parents/siblings have nice time with other people the child would feel left out.

a child even gets jealous when another sibling or cousin enters the house and the attention given by parents gets shared.

just like a child wants his/her parents to be exclusively his/her and wants all the attention from the parents, i want all the attention from my friends.

this insight helped me understand the issue.

now i avoid it. my friends have a right to have fun, n enjoy their lives. i need to find a place where i can have fun n sort of feel completely belonged.

regarding the girlfriend's posts, i say deactivate fb or dont spend much time on it. rather invest in yourself n be ur own best friend. i would earlier go to gym n on weekends ride the bicycle to beach. that helped reduce the intensity of insecurity i would feel.

I understand how you feel. There were many times with my ex where I encouraged him to go out with his friends but then I got so jealous and felt so abandoned as the night went on that I felt like I was going crazy. Sometimes I sent nasty texts and he didn't understand where they were coming from.

I was undiagnosed, unfortunately, and stuff like that led to our break-up. The other person is just trying to live a normal, balanced life and it's not fair to make them miserable just because you are miserable. It will only cause her to resent you in the end. I recommend that you go ahead and sit her down and have that talk. If you lash out and she doesn't understand where you're coming from, you'll be on thin ice. You should also think about getting individual therapy or joining a DBT group. You will feel better and she will be glad to know you're being proactive about getting help rather than just expecting her to deal with your mood swings.

regive wrote:Hi everyone. I've had some reoccurring issues/patterns I've recognized in myself lately, and I don't know what to do with them... I'm not in therapy, and when I try to talk to someone close to me about it they think I'm being weird and bad because of how I feel.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about five months, and we've been best friends for yeaaars longer. I really love my girlfriend, I think we have a pretty good relationship besides a few bumps, mostly from my end... that might not even be bumps, and all in my head.

The problem is, I get really jealous when my girlfriend hangs out with her friends. I am agoraphobic and don't have many friends, but she has a lot and hangs out with them often. I want my girlfriend to have friends and hang out with them and enjoy herself, but some part of me becomes so jealous that I actually scare myself with how inwardly vicious I am. My girlfriend knows I have BPD, but I don't think she understands quite fully what it means or what it does to me as I try very hard to hold my feelings back besides asking her to reassure me when I feel like she hates me and a few other minor things.

It's selfish of me to feel this way because even when I don't feel like hanging out with her, I get really mad and upset when she talks to her friends... even though I didn't even want to talk to her in the first place! I don't want to be possessive of her. The thought scares me, but I feel like that's what this is. I feel euphoric when she's giving me attention and is talking with me, but I feel like I want to break up with her and destroy what we have when she doesn't text back immediately, posts on social media without replying to my texts, and most of all, hangs out with her friends instead of me.

This has happened a lot in our relationship, but tonight really set me off and I'm trying not to split right now. I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said no because she didn't feel good (she also has mental illness) and I said okay, and for her to rest up... next thing I know, she's about to go hang out with her friends!! I feel... or I felt, really sick and sad, and immediately jumped to conclusions. Last night hanging out of her was a dream, but after that, I wanted to ruin everything. I wanted to ruin myself. I immediately because self-loathing, but I texted her back and said okay that's fine, I'm going to bed anyway. A little passive aggressive... but I made sure to say I love you, and then put my phone down.

I felt like I was going to go to bed crying or doing something bad since I didn't want to lash out at her even though I really wanted to, but then she texted me and said she got nervous and thought I might think she chose her friends over her. That's exactly what I thought, but I don't want to text back... it's awful, I feel awful about this, but I'm glad. I want her to feel bad for making me feel bad first. I don't want to text her back until morning and make her think about what she did.

But the thing is, did she even do anything at all? It's not a crime to not hang out with me all the time, and I know that, but I still get really upset! A part of me wants to sit her down and explain my BPD to her in depth to make her more aware, and I just... I don't know. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I feel like my head is spinning and I feel so... out of it. Just not there. Just dead inside.

Please help me rationalize this. I don't want to be abusive or a possessive partner to my girlfriend, and I don't want to ruin our relationship even though I feel like it's ruined over something that probably isn't even there to begin with. I just hate this. I hate myself for being like this and not being able to control it better.

Hi regive

Just to say I think you're handling this situation really well and you have excellent insight into your condition. I've been where you are so many times and covered myself in far less glory! I agree with Leili, have the discussion. But, in the meantime, congratulate yourself on being so considerate. Also, in my doubtless skewed opinion, Facebook is the devil's work for those with BPD!

regive wrote:Hi everyone. I've had some reoccurring issues/patterns I've recognized in myself lately, and I don't know what to do with them... I'm not in therapy, and when I try to talk to someone close to me about it they think I'm being weird and bad because of how I feel.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about five months, and we've been best friends for yeaaars longer. I really love my girlfriend, I think we have a pretty good relationship besides a few bumps, mostly from my end... that might not even be bumps, and all in my head.

The problem is, I get really jealous when my girlfriend hangs out with her friends. I am agoraphobic and don't have many friends, but she has a lot and hangs out with them often. I want my girlfriend to have friends and hang out with them and enjoy herself, but some part of me becomes so jealous that I actually scare myself with how inwardly vicious I am. My girlfriend knows I have BPD, but I don't think she understands quite fully what it means or what it does to me as I try very hard to hold my feelings back besides asking her to reassure me when I feel like she hates me and a few other minor things.

It's selfish of me to feel this way because even when I don't feel like hanging out with her, I get really mad and upset when she talks to her friends... even though I didn't even want to talk to her in the first place! I don't want to be possessive of her. The thought scares me, but I feel like that's what this is. I feel euphoric when she's giving me attention and is talking with me, but I feel like I want to break up with her and destroy what we have when she doesn't text back immediately, posts on social media without replying to my texts, and most of all, hangs out with her friends instead of me.

This has happened a lot in our relationship, but tonight really set me off and I'm trying not to split right now. I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said no because she didn't feel good (she also has mental illness) and I said okay, and for her to rest up... next thing I know, she's about to go hang out with her friends!! I feel... or I felt, really sick and sad, and immediately jumped to conclusions. Last night hanging out of her was a dream, but after that, I wanted to ruin everything. I wanted to ruin myself. I immediately because self-loathing, but I texted her back and said okay that's fine, I'm going to bed anyway. A little passive aggressive... but I made sure to say I love you, and then put my phone down.

I felt like I was going to go to bed crying or doing something bad since I didn't want to lash out at her even though I really wanted to, but then she texted me and said she got nervous and thought I might think she chose her friends over her. That's exactly what I thought, but I don't want to text back... it's awful, I feel awful about this, but I'm glad. I want her to feel bad for making me feel bad first. I don't want to text her back until morning and make her think about what she did.

But the thing is, did she even do anything at all? It's not a crime to not hang out with me all the time, and I know that, but I still get really upset! A part of me wants to sit her down and explain my BPD to her in depth to make her more aware, and I just... I don't know. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I feel like my head is spinning and I feel so... out of it. Just not there. Just dead inside.

Please help me rationalize this. I don't want to be abusive or a possessive partner to my girlfriend, and I don't want to ruin our relationship even though I feel like it's ruined over something that probably isn't even there to begin with. I just hate this. I hate myself for being like this and not being able to control it better.

I understand EXACTLY how you feel for I am feeling the exact same way right now. I am extremely jealous of my boyfriend and his female friend and it is driving me mad (please see my most recent post, "need continuous reassurance")

First of all, just breathe. right now, just breathe. Everything is going to be OK. You are just having a feeling and it is not real and it is not you. Do not beat yourself up. You need to be kind and loving to yourself (and your brain) right now. Your brain is in fight/flight mode at the moment because you were triggered. You are feeling vulnerable? And your fear of abandonment has been triggered? If you are like me, then yes, all the aforementioned.

The key is to get out of the loop. Log off of facebook (f'in facebook will be the death of us all!!!) and go for a walk and BREATHE. Try to get out of the loop. If you know EFT, do it while saying "I'm aware that I am stuck in the loop of jealousy and fear, but I completely and totally love and accept myself" do this several times until you get out of the negative loop.

YOU will be OK, YOU are safe and sound. Fear had you in it's grips and when you are in fight/flight, the brain sees what it wants to see to prove it is right and that you are in danger. But, YOU are NOT in danger. You think that you are in danger, but you aren't.

Your girlfriend LOVES you and will not leave you. If she knows that you have BPD she probably just went out with her friends to just get some air. She will come back.

I know you are thinking, but if she loves you........

Stop!

She is not a mind reader. Your mind has tricked you into thinking that if your girlfriend really loved you, she should be able to see into the depths of your soul and feel your pain (and fix it) but she can't, nor should she.

Your mind is your friend and loves you. It is only trying to protect you from danger. But, your mind sometimes gets confused when you feel like you are going to be abandoned, it goes into overdrive trying to prove you right! See, see! She will leave! No, she won't. And you have yourself.

Thank you for your replies everyone, they really helped me come back down to Earth and feel normal at the time. I "patched things up" with my girlfriend (though there wasn't anything to even patch up haha), but I haven't talked to her about my BPD yet. I'm a bit too scared.

Things were fine for a few days, but again I'm experiencing the jealousy as she's hanging out with a friend of hers. Guess the cycle is always gonna repeat itself, but I'm gonna try to calm down and rationalize as best as I can. Thanks once again!