Longing for mother figure, attachment to therapist, help

I just started college sometime ago and I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed. I've noticed signs of depression coming up more recently, too. Now I've come up with the idea of cutting down on the courses that are offered every year and focusing on the ones you're either supposed to do in year 1 or that are only offered every X years. As everyone seemed so happy that I'm finally managing to start college (I dropped out of school, then finished school etc.) I felt guilty about feeling overwhelmed again though. So I called up my mum to tell her about my idea and because I was scared she'd be disappointed and she told me that, yes, cutting/dropping courses would be unfortunate and maybe I should try navigating it all a little longer etc. She did mention my well-being was most important, but as it was pretty much the last thing she mentioned and in the way she went on about trying it made me feel really bad now. It feels like she's really disappointed in me.

I don't usually look to my parents for validation this much tbh, but very recently I've started "longing" for family, most recently a type of "mother figure". In a sense it feels like when I catch myself desperately think "I wanna go home" when I actually am at home. I'm not 100% sure why I'm craving a mother figure this much atm. It may have to do with the fact that my therapist and I worked rather well together recently in overcoming a misunderstanding and communicating about it. It made me respect and appreciate her a lot, maybe I'm starting to idealize her or get too attached or project onto her or something. The thing now is that now I'm even more afraid because the person I'd like to talk to about the college and mum thing and be comforted by is my therapist, but for one she is on vacation now and also I'm afraid I will (or am) getting inappropriately attached. She could probably handle that professionally, but I don't want to feel this way! It makes me feel stupid and weak and inferior for being unable to control it and having subconscious stuff and "needing" people like that. It makes me feel pathetic to look for a mother in my therapist or some $#%^. I don't want to bring transference or whatever into therapy and have it ruin that. Clearly, we'd have to talk about it and she'd have to set boundaries (and both would probably result in some sort of therapeutic progress and stuff), but I don't really want her to and I'm afraid we'd be unable to continue working together after that, like, that it'd be too awkward or she'd have to kick me out or something.

So Idk who to talk to because my therapist is on vacation and I fear talking about it could make her think badly of me or look down on me or kick me out or something. In a way it also feels like I don't have a mother at all, or that I lost her/am at risk of losing her, doubly: once, because it felt like my mother "rejected" me/prioritized school over my well-being and secondly, the thing with my therapist. It makes me feel like I have no roots or no home in a way, motherless. Not quite empty or lonely or lost. The term motherless really captures it well. I just want to be held and comforted and stuff. It's so strong I can almost feel someone's presence around me. But I also feel like, there is no person like that. There is no person that will always support you or always accept you as you are or never let you down. Maybe I'm kind of mourning that world view where I thought I just needed to find a person (or ppl) like that. But truth is, no one will never let you down. Thing is, I don't really want to live in a reality where everyone will sooner or later let you down. :/ (Side note: Talking about not wanting to live in that reality, I'm NOT suicidal, no worries.)

Any and all replies appreciated - if you've had similar experiences with feeling these ways. I'm particularly interested if any of you went through the therapy attachment thing yourself and could resolve it in therapy without negative consequences to the therapeutic relationship. I guess it'd be could to hear it can be worked out or something.

i long for a father figure. i used to often lie on bed n sort of assume my friends to be like my guardians n looking after me, patting my head n taking care of me.

the urge to act like a baby n wanting to be taking care of would come mostly in the night. like i'd make up scenarios where:
my friend accidentally hits me
i say 'i'll never talk to you again.'
and then he cajoles me n apologizes n stuff. more mushy stuff.

then in the morning i'd remember the thoughts of last night n feel 'what happening to me? why is all this happening?'

i think its okay to have such thoughts. i would sort of grab a pillow n talk to my inner child, tell it that it's okay. everything will be all right. that helped.

dont feel guilty for such thoughts. i used to feel very guilty n embarrassed for being a 24 year old guy acting like a little boy. now i try not to feel guilty for having such feelings.

what helps:
identifying where this comes from n just staying away from triggers. i would think of friends as family cause i dont have a strong family

its like if u need money, u'd ask from family but if family doesnt have, then u'd ask from friends, then the bank.
similarly if family doesnt give emotional support, we seek the attention n love from friends.

i used to get jealous if i saw my friends with their other friends on facebook.
so no facebook

i dont watch tv sitcoms as they just sow seeds of future fantasy about family in my brain.
i rather watch animal planet n nat geo.

exercise helps. i know the thoughts of idealizing someone mainly come during night, so thoughtout the day i read. i read for 2.5 hours everyday. so by the time i go to sleep my mind is immensely tired n it just goes off to sleep.

at times i want to burn the book i'm reading n just throw it away n live a simple life. i think of the book as a medication. i may not like it but i need it.

there are some videos on youtube regarding:
mark freeman you are not your thoughts
mark freeman how to accept terrible thoughts
mark freeman mental health is physical health

they helped me

Hi there, firstly I am sorry you are feeling the way you are. I wish I could give some proper advice of how to deal with the feelings you are experiencing. All I can say is I totally understand. It is one thing I struggle with a lot. I would say since childhood and I mean way before my teens I was looking for a mother figure, someone who would tell me everything would be ok or there to soothe my pain. I don't know what I was needing that young that I didn't get from my family, but my need was strong. I have always got attached to older females who were nurturing. Sadly it doesn't help the situation because I don't actually think it is something that can be obtained just like that. What I am trying to say is, imagine that one day my mum gave me a hug, told me everything was going to be ok and she loved me. Deep down I know it won't fix me, the way I see it is I am trying to make my inner child feel better, the child from years ago, I needed it then and I have carried the pain with me all these years later.

I would say if you feel able, when the time is right speak with your therapist. Strangely I found with my psychiatrist who gave nothing away, was very authoritarian and I didn't crave comfort from, knew me better than anyone. I was with her for 7 years and it took almost 6 years for me to show my pain and emotion. I appreciate boundaries so much, because when I get a glimpse of therapist or other it makes my emotions more difficult to deal with. It seems the more boundaries and strictness of professional it brings my true feelings to the surface. Your therapist will have dealt with similar situations before.

In terms of advice on how to manage these desires to find a mother figure, I am not sure what to say. I still haven't dealt with it myself. This year has been the hardest by far, I am coming to terms with how my struggles effect my life and I have spent most of this year alone. I try to self soothe, for me it could be a hot bath, because when the water hits me it is like a hug to myself. I do feel quite a lot that what we desire and want so badly actually isn't quite up to what we think it is. I don't mean that in a bad way, more a realistic view.

Thanks for your replies! I'm not really in the best of places atm so I don't have the energy to respond in depth, but thanks again for responding. I did read your messages and it's really appreciated.

I think I know how you feel. I look at my therapist as a mother figure. I have been seeing her for almost two years. I also look at my psychiatrist as a father figure and I have been seeing him for 20 years. They both know how I feel about them. It's easier to talk to my psychiatrist because he has been around so long and I know he isn't going any where. I have major transference going on with him. I also have the erotic transference at times with him. With my therapist, it was harder to tell her how I feel about her. I lost my mother when I was younger and I didn't want to risk losing her. And I feel the shame and embarrassment and like it makes me weak to need her like I do. I am already freaking out because of the up coming holidays and that means I will go two weeks workout seeing her instead of just one. But telling her about how I look at her and feel about her is probably one of the best things I have done. She understands probably better than I do where my feelings are coming from. Now when I am feeling that need for my mother figure I have someone to talk to about it. She isn't going to become the mom I want her to be but she is going to be understanding and loving and caring like I need her to be. She does have very strict boundaries which at times I hate but I know she does it cause it's what's best for me. There are parts of my transference that she isn't comfortable with but she is honest with me about it and it still doesn't make her mad at me or make her leave me. It's just her feelings, so for now those parts we really don't talk about. If you can be honest with your therapist about your feelings you will get a lot more out of your therapy and any good therapist won't leave you for looking at her as a mom, it a a pretty common thing.