BPD male perspective needed ...

Im in an off and on relationship with a male who has been diagnosed with BPD. He is a great man who deserves nothing but the best . I want more than anything for this relationship to work . He is very apprehensive and guarded when it comes to the BPD topic . I am looking for a male who has been diagnosed with BPD to help me thoroughly understand the dynamics of it . I am also open to a female who is dealing w a man who is diagnosed with BPD. *mod edit*

Time to crack out the chisel and hammer. If he won't cooperate, threaten to bust through his chest cavity and eat his heart out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZL3YW90vcQ
(yeah i'm a nerd )

SL, I can't speak for your man because I don't know him or his experiences, but I can describe my experiences during a relationship with someone (before being diagnosed with anything).

I had a lot of life/work stresses at the time and was experiencing a great deal of depression, anxiety and anger, mostly anger. When it came to the relationship, I felt very confused, conflicted, loving her dearly one moment and just needing my space the next, pushing her away aggressively. Nothing was consistent emotionally. When she would try to talk to me about these issues (and granted, she always picked the worst moments to do so) I would get extremely defensive and guarded. Looking back on it now, I'd say it was because I felt like I was being attacked. When you're feeling so much in the way of negative emotions, it's hard to take any kind of criticism because it's just another reason to hate yourself, and you simply get overloaded in an instant.

Anyway, these are just broad strokes to give a general description of what I was going through at the time.

Danieleaf wrote:SL, I can't speak for your man because I don't know him or his experiences, but I can describe my experiences during a relationship with someone (before being diagnosed with anything).

I had a lot of life/work stresses at the time and was experiencing a great deal of depression, anxiety and anger, mostly anger. When it came to the relationship, I felt very confused, conflicted, loving her dearly one moment and just needing my space the next, pushing her away aggressively. Nothing was consistent emotionally. When she would try to talk to me about these issues (and granted, she always picked the worst moments to do so) I would get extremely defensive and guarded. Looking back on it now, I'd say it was because I felt like I was being attacked. When you're feeling so much in the way of negative emotions, it's hard to take any kind of criticism because it's just another reason to hate yourself, and you simply get overloaded in an instant.

Anyway, these are just broad strokes to give a general description of what I was going through at the time.

Thanks for a reply !

Did you feel attacked because of how she approached the topic or was it because you were already mentally loaded with negative thoughts and you didn't want to hear anymore ? Particiulary from a loved one ?

Hey I can give you my perspective if you think it will help, I'm a guy with BPD as well. What kinds of things are you trying to understand?

I am a male with BPD. I often feel lonely...i feel hurt easily I someone I care about is cold or distant. I am very sexual but end up not having a healthy sex life because i was abused in the past so I kind of intimacy. Any more specific questions? I can only speak for myself. I definitely do the splitting thing...and when i am upset with someone, I really really hate, they are scum to me. But I am also exceptionally compassionate in some ways. Also I guess I have kind of "mommy\daddy issues" or something like that...

witchessabbath wrote:Hey I can give you my perspective if you think it will help, I'm a guy with BPD as well. What kinds of things are you trying to understand?

I'm trying to understand what a typical day is like for someone with BPD ?
Why does it seem like nothing I do I ever enough ?
Say I name 10 good things and 2 bad things well fixate on the 2 negatives and completely ignore the positives ...
What does giving him space mean? Is that on a regular basis or just when we're having issues ?

-- Thu Oct 08, 2015 9:35 pm --

frosty5 wrote:I am a male with BPD. I often feel lonely...i feel hurt easily I someone I care about is cold or distant. I am very sexual but end up not having a healthy sex life because i was abused in the past so I kind of intimacy. Any more specific questions? I can only speak for myself. I definitely do the splitting thing...and when i am upset with someone, I really really hate, they are scum to me. But I am also exceptionally compassionate in some ways. Also I guess I have kind of "mommy\daddy issues" or something like that...

What would your ideal lover be like ? Do you feel like you'd ever not feel lonely ? How could your lover support you through these issues ?

One day I'm the greatest thing ever the next day I can't do anything right . And I feel as though I'm always walking on eggshells . I can approach a situation in multiple different ways but I know I'll get the same response . So I find myself stuck between not saying anything to avoid an argument and then knowing I have to say something because it hurts my feelings .

SouthernLover wrote:

Danieleaf wrote:SL, I can't speak for your man because I don't know him or his experiences, but I can describe my experiences during a relationship with someone (before being diagnosed with anything).

I had a lot of life/work stresses at the time and was experiencing a great deal of depression, anxiety and anger, mostly anger. When it came to the relationship, I felt very confused, conflicted, loving her dearly one moment and just needing my space the next, pushing her away aggressively. Nothing was consistent emotionally. When she would try to talk to me about these issues (and granted, she always picked the worst moments to do so) I would get extremely defensive and guarded. Looking back on it now, I'd say it was because I felt like I was being attacked. When you're feeling so much in the way of negative emotions, it's hard to take any kind of criticism because it's just another reason to hate yourself, and you simply get overloaded in an instant.

Anyway, these are just broad strokes to give a general description of what I was going through at the time.

Thanks for a reply !

Did you feel attacked because of how she approached the topic or was it because you were already mentally loaded with negative thoughts and you didn't want to hear anymore ? Particiulary from a loved one ?

SouthernLover wrote:Thanks for a reply !

Did you feel attacked because of how she approached the topic or was it because you were already mentally loaded with negative thoughts and you didn't want to hear anymore ? Particiulary from a loved one ?

Apparently my reply wasn't posted properly, so I'll try again...

To be specific about the two big fights we had, they happened when I'd had an especially hard week at work, etc., and we were drinking on the weekend. She was the middle child in a large family, always being the peacemaker and never speaking her mind until she'd reached a boiling point (always when she was drunk), and she would explode. Basically, it was a "perfect storm" in the making.

But basically I felt that the outside world was stressful enough, and I wanted to come home and feel "sanctuary". Having my partner yell complaints at me at home was simply too much.

When you're experiencing daily stress and you have no coping mechanisms in place to deal with it, any comments about your behavior or mental health sound like criticism...and criticism is simply something that's hard to take when you're stressed. If your man isn't already seeing a therapist, he really should be. You can suggest it to him by saying that you think it would really help him to talk to someone because you care about him.