Tired of being a people pleaser

Besides the typical ways to please people, I am tired of being people, new or familar, sexual pleaser.

Tonight (I am in China timezone now so it about 11pm), I went out with a guy I met through a friend of a friend. Everything was going fine more or less. He didnt speak English much and I didnt speak Chinese so we was using the translator most of the time. It was fun. Seemingly he or I didnt care about using our phones.
Anyway when we get close to my apartment, he started to touch my hand then my arm and then my legs. And I literally just froze in one spot. He continue this for a while and decided to move closer to my building then he continue what he was doing. Then his hand wander up to my chest and behind for the next few minutes. ( it felt like an eternity). After convincing him that I am tired and how uneasy I felt, I finally got out of the car.

I been in China for little over a year, and I usually do not meet people. Throughout the entire year, I met only one person and he a medical undergrad student. Besides that, I dont try to go out much.
I hate when people say I should go out more and meet new people and/or find a boyfriend, cause then stuff like this happens.

I have a bad history of sexual assault, incest, and rape for over a decade and it made me mentally weak when it come to any sexual activity. I am physically strong for sports and wrestling and other normal stuff. So why can I not be strong and push people like this guy away? I am always afraid that if I do something, they would do something very bad to me.

This is one of my Major triggers and my mind is trying to figure out what to do. While walking back to my apartment, I couldn't feel anything. I feel as if I were dead inside. Cold and worthless.

What can I do? What happned today as well as everything else that happened to me in that similar manner is replaying in my head over and over again and It is driving me crazy.

Hmm, I've been giving your post some thought throughout the day because I have the same problem except not with sex stuff. I'm hesitant to venture into something I haven't experienced (sexual abuse). But I know how it feels to feel absolutely paralyzed and unable to stand up for yourself out of fear that something bad might happen.

Do you feel like you deserve to be respected sexually? Because it sounds to me like you don't. It sounds like you want to be able to assert yourself but it sounds like on some level you don't think you deserve your sexual autonomy. That's probably step one, to be 100% clear on what you deserve. I'll tell you right now that I don't think ANYONE deserves to be treated disrespectfully in a sexual way. If you don't want it, you shouldn't have to do it. Period. And if you stand up for yourself and someone pushes themselves on you anyway, that's on them, not on you. But I know that's much easier said than done.

I heard a quote somewhere once that said "the things we fear the most have already happened to us" and it seems to apply in your case. You have this (extremely justifiable) fear of someone violating you in spite of your protests, but that's already happened. It seems as though you feel that by standing up for yourself and saying "no" you'll end up inviting that sort of treatment, when in reality you're probably more likely to experience something you don't want if you don't make it clear what you will and will not tolerate.

But it makes sense that it would be a scary thing for you, given that you've had such traumatic experiences already. I'm sorry that those things happened to you. I wish I had more helpful things to say. I just know that you deserve better than what you are experiencing, and I hope that you can find the strength within yourself to begin asserting yourself and your right to your physical boundaries.