when people hurt you

How do you respond when people treat you badly? Is it automatically assumed that your feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, abandonment are a manifestation of BPD? There are times when people are hurtful, especially family members. How do you sort it out if your response is due to hurtful people or a BPD 'over-reaction'?

Historically, my response to being hurt or even thinking that I can expect someone to be hurtful in the very near future is to retreat. I would simply sever contact and completely ghost that person.Then maybe, maybe a few years later I would think about it and realize that I probably over reacted. This was all prior to being aware of having any kind of mental health issues.

As far as sorting out how appropriate this kind of behavior has been, now that I know a few more things about myself...I ask myself if I could have such and such person in my life again right now. If the answer is no, I know that somewhere in that scenario I had good reason to decide that this person isn't a good addition to my life. The way I went about it could have been handled better, but in the end, I stick behind my decisions, for the most part.

i get very angry and am immediately full of rage. i dont blame my bpd for it. many people hurt others just for their own insecurity or to feel proud of themselves that they can hurt someone.

i avoid people. it gets lonely but i'd rather be safe.

if i have to meet with someone who i know has the potential to make me angry, i'd wait for some time, rehearse the conversation for five-ten mins and the approach the person.

I usually try to remove myself, I'll go on a walk and try to understand what it was they did that made me feel so hurt and then maybe talk to them about it. It's like, 20 minutes ago I believed this person loved and cared about me and wouldn't try to hurt me. Am I just going to throw that away, even though it doesn't feel like it now? Like I remember that we had a good relationship, I remember that I felt safe. I can barely remember the feelings, but I know they WERE there.

Trust your past self who trusted the one you loved. Assume it will pass eventually. You can feel that love again. Talk to them and be honest. Say something like, "This might be some bogus, but it really really hurts and I think it's important that we come to an understanding." Even if it IS a manifestation of BPD, if they really care about you they won't hold it against you. Your feelings are real, and valid. Even if they are simply sequelae of your condition, you deserve to have them taken seriously.

The funny thing is that I'm going to be meeting a friend for lunch shortly, so that we can have a "talk". We had a falling out a few weeks ago and haven't seen each other since. I'm really not looking forward to it, but I do recognize that this is indeed one of those friendships that is important to me. I've been practicing my communication skills over the past several months, so we'll see how well it goes.

I hope your talk goes well.

Sometimes I'll pretend it didn't hurt me and probably go cry some time at night
Other times I'll take it out on them, if they hurt me I feel like I need revenge to make myself feel better, although it never does help, it just makes it worse

Mrygan wrote:I hope your talk goes well.

Ha, it started out fine, both of us speaking our minds...but then after a while we both had just enough emotion in our voices that out of nowhere I felt myself overwhelmed with self-loathing and panic. We were sitting in a dog park, surrounded by this metal fence-like structure, and I just felt that within seconds I was going to start smashing my head into it (not something I do often, mind you, but it has happened).

All I could do is very quickly explain that our friendship was very important to me, but that I needed to take a break for a while, and that I needed to leave right now. Of course, she was absolutely bewildered by my behavior.

I guess it just goes to show that perhaps I should simply live in the mountains, away from the world because I obviously cannot handle anything just yet.

Mrygan wrote:How do you respond when people treat you badly? Is it automatically assumed that your feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, abandonment are a manifestation of BPD? There are times when people are hurtful, especially family members. How do you sort it out if your response is due to hurtful people or a BPD 'over-reaction'?

I try to remember that every overreaction has a grain of truth to it. Most of our feelings don't actually come from nowhere, there's something in them that needs to be addressed, maybe just not with the intensity that BPD tends to dial it up to. In the moment if someone upsets me I might want to scream at them and break things, but really, if I allowed those emotions to mellow, figured out why I got so dialed up, and then expressed that...it's better that way.

That being said I rarely take that advice and I either overreact or I get myself out of the situation to avoid blowing up, and take all my anger out on myself and make my life worse.

witchessabbath wrote:
I try to remember that every overreaction has a grain of truth to it. Most of our feelings don't actually come from nowhere, there's something in them that needs to be addressed, maybe just not with the intensity that BPD tends to dial it up to.

Thanks, that helps. Of course, it isnt all one way or the other. It's both. I was questioning this in response to doing what I have encountered in a lot of what is written about BPD. It seems judgmental and tinged with dislike. Its as if the BDP label allows complete invalidation of what we feel. I am really not liking this diagnosis, but I think I do need help.

-- Mon Sep 21, 2015 1:25 am --

Danieleaf wrote:

Mrygan wrote:I hope your talk goes well.

I guess it just goes to show that perhaps I should simply live in the mountains, away from the world because I obviously cannot handle anything just yet.

My dream is to live in the mountains, but I am afraid to be alone. Maybe we could start a tiny house BPD community in the mountains with optional opportunities to interact as much or as little as we need.