concentration way down since I lost my bro-using adhd Rx *TW

Hello, my first topic here,

I'm wondering if anyone else is as crazy as this borderline and has used ADHD pills to concentrate.

They work for me, but also leave me insane;y irritable when i can't find more, and that is often since my impulse control will often leave me taking 10 at the tail end for a high and to forget myself in euphoria... leaving me to wonder if I am making things worse and if maybe there is a better solution.

My brother and I both got borderline from our narcissistic parents, but my mother finally manages to kill my big bro in 2011 via heart attack, and once i'd safely made it past to 45 I cut my parents out since they were obviously trying to kill me too and i didn't see 46 ever coming. in fact, when I expressed this, my mom told me to go kill myself wasn't anything she could do then cut me off from any help financially and hung up the phone when i called in desperation. That I made it this far is a bit of an accomplishment, there have been a few times i was very close to death from not having food.

But still i can't get back to work..I'm alone without anyone at all close to me, and i can't seem to program anymore.. like i lost my mind.. i have been coding 10-15 hours a day for 20 years.. now.. nothing.. i don't feel it.. don't feel like it.. only the adhd pills get me back into the groove.

What happened to me?! I was offered SSRIs but I'd tried them and they put me to sleep. I'm just at a total loss since i'm now totally broke for the first time, and can't imagine taking yet another stupid job with a bunch of assholes who will pay me to be their slave. I feel as if borderline has either become too much to handle with the loss of my brother and family... or it has morphed into adhd or i've become depressed..

I'm just posting mostly because I almost burned my entire face off today, though by accident, i was in a rage over no adhd pill and life in general and not being careful in the kitchen. I'd love somebody's comments because I'm more lost today than i was at any other time in my long, insane, action and emotion drug-filled circus of ups and down.. has it been crazy. But since my brother died crazy has become self-destructive, motivationless and intellectually useless.

I can understand a lot of what you have described. Most of my life I have cut my family out - now we speak again and I am improving.

I have tried just about every drug to medicate - concentrate - focus and escape....

In the end one thing that worked for me - and this is going to sound very strange - a diet of organic raw food - after ten days eating noting but raw food and lots of it..... my mood changed and I became calm and aware of things that I had never noticed before. Lots of very good things happened.

Now - every time I lose myself - I make myself get back on my raw food - even four days makes a massive difference. And now I find it easier. After years of trial and error I am finding the right balance. I found it extremely difficult the first time and had to lock myself in my house with lots of fruit and veg and water... and internet to read about it.

All drugs, alcohol and sugar affect the mind, mood, and body in ways we can not imagine until we clean ourselves completely. I do go off the rails every now and then but get back on track because it is the only thing that really works.

Having a sense of humor helps too. I hope everything works out for you and you get something out of this....

Oh... by the way - yes they diagnosed me with ADHD, bipolar and BPD....... I have serious impulse control problems and more much more.......................getting rid of sugar and junk (processed) food changed everything - I do not trust shrinks and the drugs they give out. They didn't work for me.

-- Sun Sep 20, 2015 4:59 pm --

I can understand a lot of what you have described. Most of my life I have cut my family out - now we speak again and I am improving.

I have tried just about every drug to medicate - concentrate - focus and escape....

In the end one thing that worked for me - and this is going to sound very strange - a diet of organic raw food - after ten days eating noting but raw food and lots of it..... my mood changed and I became calm and aware of things that I had never noticed before. Lots of very good things happened.

Now - every time I lose myself - I make myself get back on my raw food - even four days makes a massive difference. And now I find it easier. After years of trial and error I am finding the right balance. I found it extremely difficult the first time and had to lock myself in my house with lots of fruit and veg and water... and internet to read about it.

All drugs, alcohol and sugar affect the mind, mood, and body in ways we can not imagine until we clean ourselves completely. I do go off the rails every now and then but get back on track because it is the only thing that really works.

Having a sense of humor helps too. I hope everything works out for you and you get something out of this....

Oh... by the way - yes they diagnosed me with ADHD, bipolar and BPD....... I have serious impulse control problems and more much more.......................getting rid of sugar and junk (processed) food changed everything - I do not trust shrinks and the drugs they give out. They didn't work for me.

ADHD meds are stimulants so it makes sense that you would feel like you've lost motivation when you are addicted to them and you run out.

Just because you have to work it doesn't mean that you have to go back to doing the same thing and certainly not for 10-15 hours a day. Take a step down if you can afford it and relax a little.