Is he BPD? Do BPD men like getting chased? (long-ish)

I was diagnosed BPD years ago but somehow over the years have improved a lot....

But visiting this forum reminded me of all my BPD behaviors... and I felt happy to feel that some people understand me!

Anyway - I had been plodding along in my usual chaos and had forgotten about relationships/men for a while apart from the odd drunken one night stand.

Then I met this guy. We instantly connected but not in a sexual/relationship way - more of a great friend or I felt like he was my soul mate. I wasn't attracted to him physically at first. He came to my house (we met in a bar) and he stayed chatting for hours - a day actually.

It is only now that I am starting to think he is BPD or at least has many traits....

Eventually when we met... I decided I wanted to have sex and we did and it was explosive. Not like anything I have ever experienced in my life. For two weeks afterwards - I kept playing it over and over in my mind like a porn movie on a loop.....

Obsessive. Want to see him and want to know him and fell head over heals and wondering where this came from. I realise we are from very different backgrounds and he has never made contact with me since - apart from putting a note in my letterbox to say he'd left his wallet behind!

When I spotted it - I found him on fb and sent him a message and telling him he could drop by. He said he was far away with friends and I could leave it in the bar where we met.

I said ok no problem. I went to the bar a little later and was talking to the bar lady. I gave her the wallet... then went out the back of the bar to the terrace. When I went back inside - the bar lady told me he had been in and she told him that I was out the back - but he didn't say hello or anything.

Of course I was very pissed off. ....

After days of trying to get him out of my mind - I tried to be mature and let go. He obviously didn't want to have contact with me. So I sent him a message on Fb which was genuine - it said that I enjoyed meeting him and thought he was a nice person and that I hoped everything worked out well in his life. I didn't really expect to hear from him again...

So when he wrote back that he thought I was more than nice and that he kept having flashes of the night we spent together - I was very surprised and happy.

I responded that he was always welcome to visit me (we had spoken about this before there was any sex) and he responded that he could possibly come the following week. I said yes... just let me know to make sure I am there.

The following week - he sent no message. I wondered so I sent him one after a few days asking him what was up. He said yes... sorry but he got stuck where he was and had a few issues. He went on to say that he hoped to see me in the future and go on a trip next year but until then...

Then he said he hoped we'd meet up before then. Then we carried on chatting all day - and took each others contact details. He told me he missed me that he wished I was there with him - at least a few times. He said he was happy that we were in contact, that he knew we would meet again and so on.....

The following day I sent a text - saying 'hello - how are you today?" and I never heard from him again. He was online - so obviously nothing bad happened him.

So wondering if he might be BPD? or if I am just off my head? Or what? Any comments/help suggestions that would put me out of my misery are more than welcome!

I feel that I would love to have gotten to know him better - that I messed up by having sex and freaked him out - I never meant to have sex but I am happy I did because it was fantastic but I am upset because I never got to know him and I think he was very interesting and someone that would be important in my life......

Liking being chased...really depends on the person. Personally I would, so long as I was into the person chasing me. In fact that is how I ended up married. The marriage turned out to be a disaster, but that's an unrelated outcome.

As a disorder feature, that sounds more like NPD than BPD, but he was nicer to you than I'd expect an NPD guy to be, so...dunno. Doubt the whole thing was related to any disorder, just that the encounter meant less to him than to you. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but at least you have some good memories.

Yes, men like to be chased.

I have no explanation for why he's screwing with you like this. Sounds horrible. I for one would not play that game.

Sorry you're being brushed off...though that's not really enough to take a guess at what his deal might be.

Personally I like being chased and have loved it the few times it's happened to me...however, I love it in the early stages, and by the time we've had sex, I don't play games at all. But that's just me.

Danieleaf wrote:by the time we've had sex, I don't play games at all. But that's just me.

no it's not.

pirateeye wrote:I feel that I would love to have gotten to know him better - that I messed up by having sex and freaked him out - I never meant to have sex but I am happy I did because it was fantastic but I am upset because I never got to know him and I think he was very interesting and someone that would be important in my life......

I wanted to say that it's my impression covert NPD is more inclined to play "hard to get." It's similar to BPD, sometimes compared to "acting in" BPD. It's not unusual for a covert N to leave it to you to break things off.

He may be relatively normal and simply uncomfortable with the vulgar rush to intimacy. He may not know how to tell you he's not into you. Giving you mixed messages.

Thank you all for the replies. They are all useful..... I had been wondering if he might be a Narcissist.... Most of the men I've been attracted to are if they are not Psychopaths.

Vulgar rush for intimacy? That's an interesting way to put it.... but it was him that pushed all the 'you are more than nice' 'I miss you' 'I've been thinking about coming to visit you since you mentioned it'....

I was not the one that pushed - apart from initiating contact. He is the one that was more emotional and pushy. Or so it seemed to me. I kept the tone more 'friendly'....

That is why I because confused and now I just think I am probably lucky to have escaped. I still think about sex with him every day but eventually that will go away. I suppose.

If he wasn't interested - why pretend he is? What does someone get out of that - if they are not disordered?

pirateeye wrote:If he wasn't interested - why pretend he is? What does someone get out of that - if they are not disordered?

Disorders aren't the catch-all answer to everything. People want this to be the case so they aren't answerable to the other relevant factors that may contribute to a situation playing out.

There could be a hundred reasons why he treated you like this.

He could have a PD, don't rule it out per se.
But that's rather egocentric of you to think that he must just because he treated you this way.

Maybe ... you're not great looking and he was ashamed.
Maybe ... he loves someone else.
Maybe ... he's a jerk and wanted to mess with your head.
Maybe ... he wanted to have sex once and forget you exist.

Don't bother being defensive!!
The situation is, what it is. I am not fond of that expression in general but it certainly applies here.

Yes I agree it could have been any of those reasons - but if it was (except being a jerk) he wouldn't have spent ten hours writing messages telling me how he missed me and so on would he?

Would you not need to be a very damaged or twisted person to spend all that time telling someone one thing and to completely ignore them the next day?

Why pursue me if I am not attractive and he is ashamed? Why pursue if it was a ONS he regretted? There was no need for any of that!

We had a nice time and that was it as far as I was concerned. He pursued almost three weeks later....when we are in different countries. Why bother do that if you are not interested?